Walk The Line

I woke up thinking about my daddy today. He has been with Jesus for about 14 years. Still seems weird. Every now and then, I get a whiff of him in the air.

Big Jim was a player long before thuglets put on baggy pants and cocked their caps to the side. He was a man of the game. He was a trucker, amoung many other things... Once his truck got reposessed, he broke in the lot, made a trip to calif, and put it back in the lot before they knew he was gone, walked up to the man and gave him a check. He played the game for years. He was a gambler ,He lost more money than I will ever earn in my life. He liked diamond rings, Rolex watches and when he walked into a room, every one knew it. He became very successful in transportation. At one time in the early 80's, he was it in the southeast. It was cool to see.

in the early 70's, there was a movement in California called the "lay renewal movement." he was a big part of that. He came to know Jesus and freaked all his outlaw buddies out. freaked me out.

His life was spent from one extreme to another. On fire or burned out, no in between.

he had the biggest forearms I have ever seen.

my kids have some memories of him. The paw paw memories. But I am afraid they will not know him the way he really was.

as quick as he was to make a buck, he was just as quick to give one away. He was a hardy man with great stories. Rough and wild, but gentle at times. A man of great reputation, not always good, but great in stature. "one of a kind" as his stone says.

people have lived and died and then are forgotten.

Big Jim lives on in my heart because I miss him. My whole life was spent trying to please him. Some after he died I think.

I ran away as a teen, leaving a note saying I had to "find myself." he always asked me if that ever happened.

I broke his heart. Hurt him in personal ways because I was thinking about me and my wants. As a parent, I understand why he took things so personal.

he loved my kids. TJ was his first grandchild. He loved him very much. I hope and pray TJ's son looks at me the way TJ looked at my daddy.

He loved snuggling with Linsey. He tried to hide it, but tears would well up as she kissed his rough face.

he never told me he loved me. "I would not take anything for how you turned out" he said once.

he had a strong hand shake and demanded I had one.

he was a boxer, played catcher for the 3A St. Louis Cardinals, collected money for the mob, spent several nights in the "box" of a southern work camp, could run the table on any pool game, was a carnie for a while, plowed a field with a mule, and I am sure he walked to school up hill both ways in the snow, fished bass tourneys, becacme a avid golfer and for most of the 30 what ever years they were married, he loved my mother.

I saw him knock a man smooth out for trying to tell him how to deal with his business.

I saw him cry when I got married. He knew I was to young, he knew we would struggle...But he was there.

He died too young. 54. for almost 7 years, every sick day I had from work, every vacation day was spent with him at the hospital. heart almost gone. organs to far gone because of heart problems. once a year, he would alost die...then go home.

for as young as he was, he lived more in those 54 years than most do who live to be 100.

I would not trade one moment for any of those days. he could have died any time the doc said, but he held on. after all that, he did not pass away in a hospital room, but home in his sleep. alone...with his stupid poodle that never left his side for 4 years. we all hated that dog.

A movie about Johnny Cash is out. My daddy embodied the spirit of Cash and his rebellious and redemptive ways.

we never had to wait till Christmas to open gifts. His child like excitement never made it that far. With five kids, we were always enjoying the gifts a few days before, against my mothers wishes.

this is for you Big daddy. Of all the memories, I wish I could just sit and talk for a while. Things are different now. I understand a bit more of what life is about. It would be cool just to chat and reminisce. Come to think of it...That is what we are doing. I miss you. I miss you sitting with my son, my grandson, my little girl is not so little anymore.

Walk the Line Big Daddy...Walk the line.