1.26.2009

the face of worship

i have a cousin named Terry. he is about 50-53 years old. he lives in an institution. Terry has down syndrome. i grew up having terry around all the time. i knew he was different, even as a small kid, but he is family. it was no big deal.

terry had a great laugh, but when we messed with him, he would jack us up.  i miss him, even now as i write this...i see his face, remember his voice. he could not say jeff, so he called me seff.

he went to church with us, loved church. he always cried. wept loudly at times. seemed to me he was responding to the holy spirit. he looked to me like he worshipped. he would sing along...well, he was actually singing his own song, and it was usually loud, often drowning out others around us, overlapping his verses, eyes closed and connecting. i will forever have that face etched in my mind.

terry was not supposed to live past 25 or so. he now has Alzheimer's. forgetting people, short tempered, closing himself off. needs structure now. regimen. it makes me sad really. although i miss him, i have not seen him in 5 years or so. i miss his smile, the way he would ask me for money, the bear hug he would give me, the singing. he loved elvis. he had a walkman he carried with him everywhere. singing. always singing. i probably wont see him again. i keep waiting for the call.

sat night, we went to our usual gathering of fellow believers for worship. great times, great music, great environment.

he sat right down front. a down kid. he was rockin the joint...air guitar, singing loud and completely off key. in a crowd of a couple thousand, he could not be missed. call it what you will, be he was connecting. full blown connection.

not sure what some saw. distraction maybe. not uncommon. it can be. when someone enters in to full on worship, it can be very distracting to non worshippers.

i know what i saw. i saw terry. his smile, his genuineness, his connection, his energy. i saw in this kid what i lack at times. a shameless loss of concern of what is around him. no cares, just connecting. i saw worship in this kids face. at that moment, special needs was what i thought of myself...not him. i needed a touch of what he had, because it was special.

i love you terry. 

may my heart lose interest in those around me and that which would hinder.  

thoughts from the journey.

1.22.2009

motivation

i asked myself this morning, why?

why have i spent all these years serving the church?
why am i so wanting to teach the truths of scripture?
why does small group ministry in our home matter so much to me?
why do i, an opinionated, slightly over weight, middles aged former youth minister really want to get involved in the spiritual issues and situations in the lives of others?
why?

the answer to that question has changed over the last few years, last few months even.

my dogmatic ways early on provided a means for me to confront the smallness of my, and our views of this great God we so non chalantly serve. loved to drop the God bombs, they were called by one, on upper middle class kids. dogma often is seen as passion. at least it was for me early on.

lately though, as i rethink everything in my life, i realized this...as good as i thought i was, as passionate and truthful as i thought i was being, my motivation was not an honest one. granted, i was told this several times, but always rationalized it away.

maybe it is because i am getting older.
maybe it is because i see the error of my arrogance.
maybe it is because i have been part of a systematic tearing down of individuals character and motives, all the while telling folks to love as Christ did.

or maybe, just maybe, ministry was not an avenue for my agendas, political views, meanness, judgemental attitudes toward people, career, denomination, or even service for the greater good

maybe, and this is where i am now, people really matter to God. while i have said that for years, i am not sure i actually believed it. if i did, my actions and words toward them would have been much different.

maybe my motivation was the message, and not the love for them that they would hear it.
maybe i missed the point. not totally, but partly.

in my life, now, people matter. if my words as a minister say love one another, and i don't...
if my words say invest in people and i don't...
if my words say serve one another, and i don't...
if my words say trust in his ways and not mine...and i don't...
if my words say accountability is important for you and there is none in my life...
if my words do not come from a forgiven heart, but expect others to forgive...
then my words are simply that. words. it does not matter how good a communicator i am, if i do not take into account that people matter to God, therefore they matter to me, then i am no more than that which i disdain...typical.

Lord, teach me to love as you do. may my life be a reflection of the love , grace, forgiveness, mercy and trust that you have given me. i don't wanna be that guy anymore. the guy that says one thing and lives another.
thanks for continuing to change me, and allowing me to be part of the process. may your word dwell richly in my life and heart.

thoughts from the journey

1.20.2009

Understanding.

i am a white man. born in the south. taught racism at an early age.
i have no clue what it feels like to be treated differently, negatively, because of the color of my skin. no idea how it feels to be turned away from a place of business, or restaurant because of my skin. no idea how it feels to be labeled based on my skin.

we have freely elected a black man as president of the united states of America. history was made. millions saw it happen live, millions more watched it on tv. history.

i did not vote for this black man.

i do support him.

several months ago, California voted against gay marriage. the folks who pushed so hard for that to pass have been the most despicable in their actions. pickets, nasty attitudes, means spirited shouts of hatred towards those who were responsible for the measure passing. called un-American, homo-phobic, Nazi's elite Christians and out of touch people who desire to beat down the wants of another.

not a pretty picture.

now that we have a black man as president, a Democrat, many who did not vote for him have taken on that same spirit of meanness, hurling Christianise at those who have found hope in his leadership, seemingly in continuing prayer to hold off the very hand of God to stop the coming annihilation of freedom as we know it.

not a pretty picture.

i saw hope today in the eyes of old black men and women. people who in their life time, could not eat with white folks, use the same water fountain, use the same restroom, walk on the same side of the street, shop in the same store, go to the same school, enter by the same door. hope in the eyes of young people, both white and black, not to have to go through what they did, but see the dream of their ancestors while a black man was inaugurated president.

i hope he has great success.
whether he fails or not, he should have our support.

i hope my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will not be the cause of division, but in awe of God pray for his leadership and the salvation of our country. may people look at us as followers of Christ, not anti Democrat, not anti gay, anti abortion, anti drinking...but pro love.

that is what Jesus would do.

1.12.2009

The Look

most of my life i have had the pleasure to live outside the camp. not a complete outlaw, but had had outlaw tendencies. my perspective has been tainted by years of drug abuse, followed by even more indulgent waves of grace.

i get to meet people all over the country, because of what i have been allowed to be part of. kids, teens, college, adults, old folks. all kinds of people remind me regularly that God is so outrageous with his love. we are all so different, so crazy, so independent, so dependent, so in need.

the edgy folks have had most of my attention through the years. with student ministry the skaters caught my eye. rebellious, anti authority, not accepted, always being told to leave. Tattoos, piercings, what ever. the expressions of people amaze me.

so i met this guy the other day. old school guy. been around a long time, loyal, faithful, old school.

he asked me what i did. i tried to make a joke, he did not find it funny, then told him of the plan to reach bikers through the church...using http://primalfaith.net a curriculum we are trying to develop. I told him the status has left these folks out of the conversation. as i finished my sentence, he looked at me, then turned away.

did i just get the look? i asked my self...the look of disdain from a fellow laborer? i felt so disrespected. it took me by surprise, off guard.

i laughed it off. then, realized how selective we really are as a faith community.

funny. i got the look when i was a junkie, a thief, and outside the faith community. i got it because most folks did not bother to look past that. natural response actually. people like that scare us.

but when those kinds of people...junkies, tattooed folks, rough, raw, junkies find Christ, the look is supposed to disappear...should have never been there actually, right?

the look just made me realize how important it is that i remember all people are made in his image. all people need Christ's love. all people are in need of a saviour. like me.

glad Jesus looked at me. and this guy reminded me of it.

1.09.2009

role models and Nirvana

so it is 2009, and i have, against my better judgement, decided to resolve to eat better and exercise. so far so good.

the other day, Sheri and i go to the gym to do our daily routine. my favorite place to do the tread mill is the "theater room". BA screen and ESPN. or, at least that is what is supposed to be on.

this particular day, i get saddled up and look up and i am surrounded my 15 women all watching Oprah. and my luck? she is talking about getting healthy for the new year.

we need role models. we need people in our culture that reflect right living, faith and diligence. but give me a break! Oprah as a weight loss role model? i may be wrong, but she is the one who has shrunk and ballooned up more times than a hot air balloon...right? i get the fact she desires to empower women, but the fact we all seem to give a crap about listening to her about weight loss when she cant seem to get it right, just freaks me out a bit.

i walked and listened as she encouraged her listeners to "put themselves back on their priority lists."

anyone else kinda think that is why we are so jacked up as a country? we have all BEEN on our priority list. that is why we are fat and selfish. i say that, cause i am fat and selfish.

it reminded me of a song by Nirvana, Smells like teen spirit

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

hello, how low?
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now Entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Yeah

And I forget
Just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind

heard some conversation about church the other day.
people want what they want. mostly relief from life, and what is left, some flavor. so we add Jesus like salt. it tastes like the American Dream.

no sacrifice, no giving.
just taking and entertainment.
like a fat guy at the buffet. gorging myself because i can.

here we are now, entertain us.

as the Gospel becomes about making me number 1 on my priority list, the hole in our hearts grows and is endlessly filled with object of my affections...me.

not sure if Jesus ever told us to become a priority so as we could find balance.

thoughts from the journey.