The fog that is

recently, I posted an event in my life. the event has left me in a fog with no energy and about a 1/2 tick off.

as the fog begins to recede and clearness begins to submerge, I am left with a few questions and thoughts.

My thoughts are, I had a major panic attact. The doctor will have to tell me otherwise on WED.

Stress, from places we do not expect comes out in certain ways in certain people. apparently this has been my deal. undealt with stress.

my mind is clearing, along with other things but it was freaky. very freaky and real.

a few years ago I would have thought this is result of something I had done, and as a result, God is getting my attention. however, it seems as though I have blown a gasket let some pressure out and cleared the air. I am not at all sure the same could have been done mearly with a fart.

lately, there has been much joy and wonder in my daily times of prayer and acripture reading. The Lords spoke to me clearly last wed night and spoke into my heart "You have been restored". after weeping over my pride I had been set free from it. no longer was it needed to walk the wilderness, no longer do I need be ashamed for my lack of not knowing and missing what God had for me.

so. I will not go silently. stress or not.

Kingdon leader and teacher. It is His call on my life.

as I woke the last few mornings with not much sleep, there has been a sence of walking through the forrest, thick with fog and wet with mist. trying desperatly to escape, I realized the dampness was the mist of His Holy Sprit, soaking my mind and heart. As a friend told me...I just wallered around in it for a bit. the smell of holy was sweet in my nostrils, the security was strong and the place was full of grace.

then I look at the mirror and saw the beast that I am...only now the brow was not so furled and there was no stress.

to many times I havetried to leave this place of learning and difficulty. but now it is my desire to stay and let the rain fall on me ...Rain On mE.

difficulties of life are seen by some as coincedience, some see out side powers s the culprit. some are physical, some are just our own stupidity. I am not sure what this was, but I will continue to look into the belly of the beast.

if it is repentance that is needed...it shall be so.

I lay myself on the altar of god asking for Him to trust me with Himself. not for fame or the ability to sway folks with great words, not the gift of anything rather than Himself.

Lord if it be so, I would lay on the altar, no need to be placed there. I submit to you and your plan.

May I be counted worthy of being you kingom person.

The Darkness

Darkness fell. all that was light was covered as my eyes struggled to adjust to the vast emptiness that seemed to pounce on me as a preditor waits for his prey. unprepared for what came and from where it came.

breath seems fleeting. thoughts race searching for understanding, reason.

sweat oozes from my pours. my skin feels hot. I am in flee mode for fear of being caught...but from what?. sounds become louder and closer.

my heart scrambles to keep up with the pace that has quickened becasue of what feels like somekind of attack from the outside. breath is deeper but shorter as I prepare to flee from what ever awaits. I can hear my breathing, hear my heart, feel it in my throte as the quickened pace contiues.

emotion breaks loose as a prisoner held in a dam that has broken and floods my soul. raw emotion. ancient fear from questions I dare not ask yet cannot seem to run away from.

Light breaks through. but I look at the Light from below as if in a box. the Light can be seen but not enjoyed. am I gonna die?

I look up...and there I am. sitting on the edge of my bed looking in the mirror and face to face with the beast that is me.

what the hell just happened to me?

Walk The Line

I woke up thinking about my daddy today. He has been with Jesus for about 14 years. Still seems weird. Every now and then, I get a whiff of him in the air.

Big Jim was a player long before thuglets put on baggy pants and cocked their caps to the side. He was a man of the game. He was a trucker, amoung many other things... Once his truck got reposessed, he broke in the lot, made a trip to calif, and put it back in the lot before they knew he was gone, walked up to the man and gave him a check. He played the game for years. He was a gambler ,He lost more money than I will ever earn in my life. He liked diamond rings, Rolex watches and when he walked into a room, every one knew it. He became very successful in transportation. At one time in the early 80's, he was it in the southeast. It was cool to see.

in the early 70's, there was a movement in California called the "lay renewal movement." he was a big part of that. He came to know Jesus and freaked all his outlaw buddies out. freaked me out.

His life was spent from one extreme to another. On fire or burned out, no in between.

he had the biggest forearms I have ever seen.

my kids have some memories of him. The paw paw memories. But I am afraid they will not know him the way he really was.

as quick as he was to make a buck, he was just as quick to give one away. He was a hardy man with great stories. Rough and wild, but gentle at times. A man of great reputation, not always good, but great in stature. "one of a kind" as his stone says.

people have lived and died and then are forgotten.

Big Jim lives on in my heart because I miss him. My whole life was spent trying to please him. Some after he died I think.

I ran away as a teen, leaving a note saying I had to "find myself." he always asked me if that ever happened.

I broke his heart. Hurt him in personal ways because I was thinking about me and my wants. As a parent, I understand why he took things so personal.

he loved my kids. TJ was his first grandchild. He loved him very much. I hope and pray TJ's son looks at me the way TJ looked at my daddy.

He loved snuggling with Linsey. He tried to hide it, but tears would well up as she kissed his rough face.

he never told me he loved me. "I would not take anything for how you turned out" he said once.

he had a strong hand shake and demanded I had one.

he was a boxer, played catcher for the 3A St. Louis Cardinals, collected money for the mob, spent several nights in the "box" of a southern work camp, could run the table on any pool game, was a carnie for a while, plowed a field with a mule, and I am sure he walked to school up hill both ways in the snow, fished bass tourneys, becacme a avid golfer and for most of the 30 what ever years they were married, he loved my mother.

I saw him knock a man smooth out for trying to tell him how to deal with his business.

I saw him cry when I got married. He knew I was to young, he knew we would struggle...But he was there.

He died too young. 54. for almost 7 years, every sick day I had from work, every vacation day was spent with him at the hospital. heart almost gone. organs to far gone because of heart problems. once a year, he would alost die...then go home.

for as young as he was, he lived more in those 54 years than most do who live to be 100.

I would not trade one moment for any of those days. he could have died any time the doc said, but he held on. after all that, he did not pass away in a hospital room, but home in his sleep. alone...with his stupid poodle that never left his side for 4 years. we all hated that dog.

A movie about Johnny Cash is out. My daddy embodied the spirit of Cash and his rebellious and redemptive ways.

we never had to wait till Christmas to open gifts. His child like excitement never made it that far. With five kids, we were always enjoying the gifts a few days before, against my mothers wishes.

this is for you Big daddy. Of all the memories, I wish I could just sit and talk for a while. Things are different now. I understand a bit more of what life is about. It would be cool just to chat and reminisce. Come to think of it...That is what we are doing. I miss you. I miss you sitting with my son, my grandson, my little girl is not so little anymore.

Walk the Line Big Daddy...Walk the line.

If the house is a rockin...

Dancing has never been my thing. When I was doing lots of chemicals, I always thought I could dance, but I never really could. Slow dancing was cool. I remember holding my wife close, smelling her hair, looking into her eyes trying to sing what ever drunken song that was playing. But as most, I really thought I had a little move or two on the floor. I could keep a beat for a few moments, but in the end, I was like most drunken rednecks and just flailed my hips around like I was some caveman looking for a mate.

Never liked watching dancing either. Dancing with the stars? You gotta be kidding me!!!

Someone mentioned today "waltzing with God's Spirit" on a comment. For a brief moment, I let my mind wander...What follows is the end of that process.

Lately, scripture has been as sweet as Tupelo Honey to my lips. Passion that I thought had been lost during the dispersion seemed to only need be uncovered. desire that rises up in me as I read each day is an ancient longing that can only come from One who died but now is alive.

we are to easy to forget and leave behind that Ancient of days that calls from eternity past in order to embrace a so called newness.

we try and keep in step with the Spirit, or "waltz" if you will, to the soothing melodies of a wild lover calling from beyond our comfort into a world we do not know, with wonder beyond our understanding and the unknown longing as deep calls to deep.

yet the tunes we seek to move to are often not the same tune that supports our form of movement.

I love the blues. Texas Blues. Even more specific, Stevie Ray blues. But I am also drawn to the old black man sitting on a chair tapping his foot and bellowing out hurts from a love gone wrong and a women gone bad. Delta blues.

sometimes, the movement He calls me to involves a different beat, a slow down, or even a speed up. But because I seem to be stuck in my own deal, I miss great opportunities that would allow others to hear and move to His calling and His leading.

I closed my eyes as we worshiped with others and wanted to actually dance around. You remember what it was like as a kid when we could close our eyes, lift our hands and move about like the wind was carrying us? That is how I felt today. Of course, I did not do this. Out of fear of being seen as an idiot, but mostly out of unwillingness to really let myself go and experience worship rather than just do worship.

I love my God. I am deeply in love with Jesus. He asked me to dance today. I pretended like I did not hear him. I stood alongside the back wall with all the other geeks waiting for some action, and when He showed up, I freaked out.

not sure how it will turn out next time. But he did tell me he would be back. Hopefully, my response will be different.

not sure I am into living my life for what could have been.

anybody wanna dance?

"if the house is a rocking, don't bother knockin...come on in" SRV

Night Moves

I love it when Jackson just sits with me. these are times that are fleeting and must be enjoyed with much affection. I like it when he sleeps on my shoulders.

Most of my reading as of late has been spent with John. Each morn about 6 am, I roll my big booty out of bed grab a cup of java, and head to the ole chair under the light.

This morning, I had the priveledge to read again the account of the Last Supper. Small things catch my attention each day as I try and not rush through something my eyes have seen many times before. Hints of danger each day have come as Jesus freaks people out about commitment. You can amost smell the disdain the religious had for Jesus.

but today there was no danger, no deep hidden truth, no theological meaning, just one phrase.

"now there was leaning on on Jesus' bosom one one of His disciples, whom He loved."

open your mind to this for a moment.

we get the picture of all the guys on one side of the table looking all...what ever.

here is what I saw as I gazed into this point and time.

there was a moment in between the bread and the wine, just before judas did his deal...and while there was a moment, this man, whom Jesus loved, laid his head on the chest of Jesus. as a child, he rests on the one who loved him dearly was was loved in return.

sometimes we need to remember the kingship of Jesus and bow before Him in humility.
sometimes we out to bow before Him in His grandure and holiness.
sometimes we need to be broken over ourselves for our stupidity.

and sometimes we need to just lay on His chest. catching a moment, ever how fleeting , just to remind us we can...and he can.

I had no specdial needs today, other than the grace given for what lay ahead. nothing that had me stop everything and seek a miracle. there have been those. this was no day for anxious thoughts over lack of funds, or protection of children. it was a day that I prayed for the Bride...and I simply lay on His bosom.

in the midst of life, may you steal away for a time of rest on the bosom of our Lord.

Last wish or life's desire?

I am sure this will make it way across blog world. but having dealt with the recent death of a co-worker, the truth here is universal.

Live. And Live Well.

BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life.
Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.


From Kyle Lake's last sermon as read at his funeral and exactly as he wrote it (via Dan Kimball at Vintage Faith)

"Shorter of Breath and One Day Closer to Death"

A few years ago, there were some posters that came out that were pictures in a picture so to speak. The thing was to let your eyes relax as you stared at this thing, and another totally different picture would emerge...Sort of a 3d kinda deal. Sometimes I would see the hidden picture, other times I would look like an idiot staring at the wall.

I have been tryin to look at life as a whole for the past few years. Sometimes I get messed up by getting real close to the canvas and focusing on one little detail for a while, but mostly, I have tried to look at the big picture.

There are certain things that are clearer in my life since I am no longer a staff member of the local Body.

most of my time spent on staff was spent with other believers. I was constantly surrounded by those who believed as I did. While there were some minor differences, it was pretty much the same. Hours were spent looking at a particular part of the canvas, discussing and pointing out difficulties we saw on the actual mural. At the end of the day, we seldom looked very far back, nor did we spend much time looking very far forward.

the farther I walk away from the canvas, in order to get a better look at the bigness of life, I find myself running to people who are focused on a different part of the picture. While it is interesting to try and dialogue with those who see the canvas different than I do, it has been difficult realizing I may have been focused on the wrong thing.

many believers will spend more time looking at a bizarre color on Revelation and miss the picture all together. Many will spend way to much time on another area than I would. But we all tend to look at one part of the canvas to justify our own individual thought process.

More and more I try and read stuff that is different from what I actually believe. Understanding another's ideals may be difficult, but it can help us to understand folks. As hard nosed as I am about certain things, I find there are others that are the same in their understanding.

Scripture for me has been more than an old book of stories. I have found with in its pages life, understanding and confrontation. From the beginning to the end, the picture of redemption is a beautiful painting painted with care, purpose and desire by the most wonderful of Artists.

many lose the completeness of the painting by simply treaing is not as a work of beauty and purpose, but as a super wal-mart. With so much stuff, you cannot buy it all, so we can pick and choose which parts we may want to take home.

the good thing about buffet style thinking is having the ability to look and choose what one wants, what one can use, what seems to be needed.

we cannot apply the same thoughts to what is to be taken as complete.

Bargain shopping at the mall of convenience cannot be the attitude we take when dealing with the Words of Scripture. Nor can we use excuses with what is breathed and inspired by Him who is seated on the Throne above the Earth.

As a young man, I have shaken my fist at the establishment leaders while crying out "you do not understand! There has to be more to this! You cannot take what is given to man and twist it into your own agenda!"

as an older man. "shorter of breath and one day closer to death", I am finding that it is those who are against Christ as Judge, but for Christ as love. For Christ as savior, but against Christ as divider of men. For John 3:16, but against John 3:18.

my point is this.

we cannot pick and choose based on convenience, what parts of the whole picture we will take and which we will leave behind.

we were created to give glory to God. We cannot do that by reading scripture as if it is a irrelevant dated book written by people who were somewhat ditzy. Nor can we look at part of redemption history as children stories and object lessons. Nor can we try and take the edge of what is "sharper than any two edged sword." nor can we pick and choose truths and directions like picking grapes off while leaving others since they are not to our liking.

I desire to know what it means to be in it but no of it. I desire to know the full life I was promised. I desire to be part of a greater cause. I desire to know Him, His character, His heart and His face. I desire to walk in transforming resurrection power that reanscends problems and issues that distract.

in a country that has embraced weak and easy faith, it is vital we become people of the Word.

I read about Wycliffe. He was burned at the stake for what he did by translating scripture. Years later, they still hated him so bad, they dug up his bones and burned them again.

today, Americans treat scripture as a Harry Potter book. It is nice to read, but all these stories can't possibly be real...Can they?

Show me how to live

Sometimes life smaks of emotion and adrenaline. Sometimes darkness is heavy. Sometimes we grieve. Sometimes we overflow with good. Sometimes paperwork is a pain in the left cheek.

life rolls on. Day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. Many have come before and many will come after. Not all will ask the questions that raise issue. Most will live and die. For the road is narrow. Much more narrow than I realized before this morning.

I try to get the most out of the day. Headaches and work, breakdowns and situations often try and steal away those precious moments when we forget we are alive.

being challenged by the faith of another or lack thereof, being challenged by the beliefs of another, or lack thereof, being reminded of how little I know keeps a bit of the fire raging in my head and heart.

Lately, as I told a friend, a majestic Lord has beckoned me to His presence. A great king, full of glory and wonder seated on His throne, ruling absolutely has called me out of slumber. The enormity of this One who spoke into existence all that is quite humbling to say the least. But for Jesus, I could not approach...But not for Jesus, I am not sure I would want to. Holiness cause me to tremble at times, as I get a glimpse of the floor before Him.

I had thought at one point in life that it was all good. Figured out and laid out. It did not work out as I had planned.

so this morning, I am in John, digging the Canaan visit. Digging the fact Jesus was at a wedding and digging the fact His mom was trying to do her mom deal. For a moment, I realized why I am loving Him so much. For a moment, I am picturing Jesus and a few of His boys hanging out drinking a glass of wine, talking about life, picturing Him smile as He puts His arm around someone and asks how they are. And unlike us, really wanting...And already knowing. It was cool to meditate on that. Soak it all in.

then...This...

John 2:23-25
23 Now when He was in Jerusalem at the Passover, during the feast, many believed in His name, beholding His signs which He was doing. 24 But Jesus, on His part, was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men, 25 and because He did not need anyone to bear witness concerning man for He Himself knew what was in man.

is it possible that this still happens?

ok. I think I trust Jesus. But turns out that is not all to the equation. I trust Him, because...(insert stuff here).
cause He saved me?
cause he loves me?
cause he forgave me?
cause he blesses me?
cause he brought my son home from Iraq?
cause my daughter is safe?
cause my family is healthy?
cause my life is good?

turns out, I trust Him, but He may not trust me. He withheld Himself from men because he knew them. What the freak? This really smaks out the universalism view of all roads leading to God.

he knows us. The games we play, the lies we tell and keep secret. He knows us better than we realize.

now obviously, there are some He did not withhold himself from. Obviously, this is a light look at a very serious and heavy thought.

next time you wonder why the Holy Spirit is not moving in your life and the transformation power of the resurrection is not visible to those around you, the next time you wonder why you don't desire God, or why He does not allow you to play a bigger part in the kingdom...Ask yourself this question...

Does Jesus trust me? why or why not?



In with the early dawn
moving right along
I couldn't buy an eye of sleep
and in the aching night
under satellite
I was not received
with the stolen parts
a telephone in my heart
someone get me a priest
to put my mind to bed
this ringing in my head
is this a cure is or is this a disease

hey hey I said
near as I can figure
you gave me life now
show me how to live
hey hey I said
near as I can figure
you gave me life now
show me how to live
in the afterbirth
on the quiet earth
let this things remind me
you thought you made amend
you better think again
before my row defines you

hey hey i said
near as i an figure
you gave me life now show me how to live
hey hey i said
near as i can figure
you gave me life now
show me how to live

and in your waiting hands
i will land
and roll out of my skin
and in your final hours i will stand
ready to begin
ready to begin
ready to begin
ready to begin

hey hey i said
near as i can figure
you gave me life now
show me how to live
hey hey i said
near as i can figure
you gave me life now
show me how to live
show me how to live
show me how to live
show me how to live
show me how to live


AudioSlave