The fog that is

recently, I posted an event in my life. the event has left me in a fog with no energy and about a 1/2 tick off.

as the fog begins to recede and clearness begins to submerge, I am left with a few questions and thoughts.

My thoughts are, I had a major panic attact. The doctor will have to tell me otherwise on WED.

Stress, from places we do not expect comes out in certain ways in certain people. apparently this has been my deal. undealt with stress.

my mind is clearing, along with other things but it was freaky. very freaky and real.

a few years ago I would have thought this is result of something I had done, and as a result, God is getting my attention. however, it seems as though I have blown a gasket let some pressure out and cleared the air. I am not at all sure the same could have been done mearly with a fart.

lately, there has been much joy and wonder in my daily times of prayer and acripture reading. The Lords spoke to me clearly last wed night and spoke into my heart "You have been restored". after weeping over my pride I had been set free from it. no longer was it needed to walk the wilderness, no longer do I need be ashamed for my lack of not knowing and missing what God had for me.

so. I will not go silently. stress or not.

Kingdon leader and teacher. It is His call on my life.

as I woke the last few mornings with not much sleep, there has been a sence of walking through the forrest, thick with fog and wet with mist. trying desperatly to escape, I realized the dampness was the mist of His Holy Sprit, soaking my mind and heart. As a friend told me...I just wallered around in it for a bit. the smell of holy was sweet in my nostrils, the security was strong and the place was full of grace.

then I look at the mirror and saw the beast that I am...only now the brow was not so furled and there was no stress.

to many times I havetried to leave this place of learning and difficulty. but now it is my desire to stay and let the rain fall on me ...Rain On mE.

difficulties of life are seen by some as coincedience, some see out side powers s the culprit. some are physical, some are just our own stupidity. I am not sure what this was, but I will continue to look into the belly of the beast.

if it is repentance that is needed...it shall be so.

I lay myself on the altar of god asking for Him to trust me with Himself. not for fame or the ability to sway folks with great words, not the gift of anything rather than Himself.

Lord if it be so, I would lay on the altar, no need to be placed there. I submit to you and your plan.

May I be counted worthy of being you kingom person.

The Darkness

Darkness fell. all that was light was covered as my eyes struggled to adjust to the vast emptiness that seemed to pounce on me as a preditor waits for his prey. unprepared for what came and from where it came.

breath seems fleeting. thoughts race searching for understanding, reason.

sweat oozes from my pours. my skin feels hot. I am in flee mode for fear of being caught...but from what?. sounds become louder and closer.

my heart scrambles to keep up with the pace that has quickened becasue of what feels like somekind of attack from the outside. breath is deeper but shorter as I prepare to flee from what ever awaits. I can hear my breathing, hear my heart, feel it in my throte as the quickened pace contiues.

emotion breaks loose as a prisoner held in a dam that has broken and floods my soul. raw emotion. ancient fear from questions I dare not ask yet cannot seem to run away from.

Light breaks through. but I look at the Light from below as if in a box. the Light can be seen but not enjoyed. am I gonna die?

I look up...and there I am. sitting on the edge of my bed looking in the mirror and face to face with the beast that is me.

what the hell just happened to me?

Walk The Line

I woke up thinking about my daddy today. He has been with Jesus for about 14 years. Still seems weird. Every now and then, I get a whiff of him in the air.

Big Jim was a player long before thuglets put on baggy pants and cocked their caps to the side. He was a man of the game. He was a trucker, amoung many other things... Once his truck got reposessed, he broke in the lot, made a trip to calif, and put it back in the lot before they knew he was gone, walked up to the man and gave him a check. He played the game for years. He was a gambler ,He lost more money than I will ever earn in my life. He liked diamond rings, Rolex watches and when he walked into a room, every one knew it. He became very successful in transportation. At one time in the early 80's, he was it in the southeast. It was cool to see.

in the early 70's, there was a movement in California called the "lay renewal movement." he was a big part of that. He came to know Jesus and freaked all his outlaw buddies out. freaked me out.

His life was spent from one extreme to another. On fire or burned out, no in between.

he had the biggest forearms I have ever seen.

my kids have some memories of him. The paw paw memories. But I am afraid they will not know him the way he really was.

as quick as he was to make a buck, he was just as quick to give one away. He was a hardy man with great stories. Rough and wild, but gentle at times. A man of great reputation, not always good, but great in stature. "one of a kind" as his stone says.

people have lived and died and then are forgotten.

Big Jim lives on in my heart because I miss him. My whole life was spent trying to please him. Some after he died I think.

I ran away as a teen, leaving a note saying I had to "find myself." he always asked me if that ever happened.

I broke his heart. Hurt him in personal ways because I was thinking about me and my wants. As a parent, I understand why he took things so personal.

he loved my kids. TJ was his first grandchild. He loved him very much. I hope and pray TJ's son looks at me the way TJ looked at my daddy.

He loved snuggling with Linsey. He tried to hide it, but tears would well up as she kissed his rough face.

he never told me he loved me. "I would not take anything for how you turned out" he said once.

he had a strong hand shake and demanded I had one.

he was a boxer, played catcher for the 3A St. Louis Cardinals, collected money for the mob, spent several nights in the "box" of a southern work camp, could run the table on any pool game, was a carnie for a while, plowed a field with a mule, and I am sure he walked to school up hill both ways in the snow, fished bass tourneys, becacme a avid golfer and for most of the 30 what ever years they were married, he loved my mother.

I saw him knock a man smooth out for trying to tell him how to deal with his business.

I saw him cry when I got married. He knew I was to young, he knew we would struggle...But he was there.

He died too young. 54. for almost 7 years, every sick day I had from work, every vacation day was spent with him at the hospital. heart almost gone. organs to far gone because of heart problems. once a year, he would alost die...then go home.

for as young as he was, he lived more in those 54 years than most do who live to be 100.

I would not trade one moment for any of those days. he could have died any time the doc said, but he held on. after all that, he did not pass away in a hospital room, but home in his sleep. alone...with his stupid poodle that never left his side for 4 years. we all hated that dog.

A movie about Johnny Cash is out. My daddy embodied the spirit of Cash and his rebellious and redemptive ways.

we never had to wait till Christmas to open gifts. His child like excitement never made it that far. With five kids, we were always enjoying the gifts a few days before, against my mothers wishes.

this is for you Big daddy. Of all the memories, I wish I could just sit and talk for a while. Things are different now. I understand a bit more of what life is about. It would be cool just to chat and reminisce. Come to think of it...That is what we are doing. I miss you. I miss you sitting with my son, my grandson, my little girl is not so little anymore.

Walk the Line Big Daddy...Walk the line.

If the house is a rockin...

Dancing has never been my thing. When I was doing lots of chemicals, I always thought I could dance, but I never really could. Slow dancing was cool. I remember holding my wife close, smelling her hair, looking into her eyes trying to sing what ever drunken song that was playing. But as most, I really thought I had a little move or two on the floor. I could keep a beat for a few moments, but in the end, I was like most drunken rednecks and just flailed my hips around like I was some caveman looking for a mate.

Never liked watching dancing either. Dancing with the stars? You gotta be kidding me!!!

Someone mentioned today "waltzing with God's Spirit" on a comment. For a brief moment, I let my mind wander...What follows is the end of that process.

Lately, scripture has been as sweet as Tupelo Honey to my lips. Passion that I thought had been lost during the dispersion seemed to only need be uncovered. desire that rises up in me as I read each day is an ancient longing that can only come from One who died but now is alive.

we are to easy to forget and leave behind that Ancient of days that calls from eternity past in order to embrace a so called newness.

we try and keep in step with the Spirit, or "waltz" if you will, to the soothing melodies of a wild lover calling from beyond our comfort into a world we do not know, with wonder beyond our understanding and the unknown longing as deep calls to deep.

yet the tunes we seek to move to are often not the same tune that supports our form of movement.

I love the blues. Texas Blues. Even more specific, Stevie Ray blues. But I am also drawn to the old black man sitting on a chair tapping his foot and bellowing out hurts from a love gone wrong and a women gone bad. Delta blues.

sometimes, the movement He calls me to involves a different beat, a slow down, or even a speed up. But because I seem to be stuck in my own deal, I miss great opportunities that would allow others to hear and move to His calling and His leading.

I closed my eyes as we worshiped with others and wanted to actually dance around. You remember what it was like as a kid when we could close our eyes, lift our hands and move about like the wind was carrying us? That is how I felt today. Of course, I did not do this. Out of fear of being seen as an idiot, but mostly out of unwillingness to really let myself go and experience worship rather than just do worship.

I love my God. I am deeply in love with Jesus. He asked me to dance today. I pretended like I did not hear him. I stood alongside the back wall with all the other geeks waiting for some action, and when He showed up, I freaked out.

not sure how it will turn out next time. But he did tell me he would be back. Hopefully, my response will be different.

not sure I am into living my life for what could have been.

anybody wanna dance?

"if the house is a rocking, don't bother knockin...come on in" SRV

Night Moves

I love it when Jackson just sits with me. these are times that are fleeting and must be enjoyed with much affection. I like it when he sleeps on my shoulders.

Most of my reading as of late has been spent with John. Each morn about 6 am, I roll my big booty out of bed grab a cup of java, and head to the ole chair under the light.

This morning, I had the priveledge to read again the account of the Last Supper. Small things catch my attention each day as I try and not rush through something my eyes have seen many times before. Hints of danger each day have come as Jesus freaks people out about commitment. You can amost smell the disdain the religious had for Jesus.

but today there was no danger, no deep hidden truth, no theological meaning, just one phrase.

"now there was leaning on on Jesus' bosom one one of His disciples, whom He loved."

open your mind to this for a moment.

we get the picture of all the guys on one side of the table looking all...what ever.

here is what I saw as I gazed into this point and time.

there was a moment in between the bread and the wine, just before judas did his deal...and while there was a moment, this man, whom Jesus loved, laid his head on the chest of Jesus. as a child, he rests on the one who loved him dearly was was loved in return.

sometimes we need to remember the kingship of Jesus and bow before Him in humility.
sometimes we out to bow before Him in His grandure and holiness.
sometimes we need to be broken over ourselves for our stupidity.

and sometimes we need to just lay on His chest. catching a moment, ever how fleeting , just to remind us we can...and he can.

I had no specdial needs today, other than the grace given for what lay ahead. nothing that had me stop everything and seek a miracle. there have been those. this was no day for anxious thoughts over lack of funds, or protection of children. it was a day that I prayed for the Bride...and I simply lay on His bosom.

in the midst of life, may you steal away for a time of rest on the bosom of our Lord.