That Smell

"Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you"

Lynyrd Skynyrd

A few years ago, I as at a youth camp with a couple of other churches. The speaker for the week, and I were standing around talking about stuff. Then it happened. They came walking around the corner. He was pimped out in the normal teen garb, hat turned sideways, and pants falling off his arse, wearing a "wife beater." She, scantily clad and snuggled up close while his well placed hand cradled her left cheek. When they saw us, they parted, only to get closer as they thought we were out of sight. The air reeked of cologne and perfume as they passed.

My friend took a deep breath of air and said "do you smell that?" "what, the perfume?" I asked. "No my friend, that is the unmistakable smell of depravity." He took another stong breath and said "Smell the depravity."

I laughed. But the comment has stayed with me through the years.

Being a recovering addict, I often refer to the lyrics above. Years of abuse left me all but hopeless, with the stench of death looming, waiting to crouch at my every display of addictive actions.

But the smell of depravity is quite different. What I have learned is that most of the time, when I would get a whiff of it, it came from an outside source. Not the case this week.

I have been in conversations with Mike about life, marriage, faith and addictions. While we are making some progress, he is not yet been rousted by the Holy Spirit. and all the conversations we have had has opened up a memory bank that i had only refered to in the past, actually thought I had locked away, looking back from time to time so as to check the door to make sure it was still locked.

Redemption is a gloriuos act of a loving and pursuing God. with out cause, but by His own greatness and grace, He has saved me.

Sometimes, when the relationship is clicking on all cylenders, there is a sweetness in the air. An odor of the wondrous, a smell of the Holy.

the last year of my life has been filled with the stench of pride and depravity. I tried to cover the odor with perfumes, actions and other things, just as I tried to cover the smell of weed in my room when my mother would knock on the door. it did not work then, it does not work now.

but like death, depravity has an overpowering smell. It cannot be covered. If ignored it can affect food, simple daily things and family. thoughts, actions and reality.

I have been beating my self with out mercy for my actions in the past year. Leaving and turning away from ministry, running away with my tail between my legs in shame. I missed something. somewhere i missed a road sign, did not listen to direction. and it cost me, dearly.

enough is enough.

forgiveness and restoration are not mythical acts of a distant God, nor are they theoretical thoughts we cannot understand. They are truths found in Scripture and concrete places I am standing...Firm, with great resolve. The games I have played with my self in order to play out this self imposed exile are over. And I lost.

Wilderness wanderings can teach great lessons. IF we look truthfully at the cause.

The sweetness of a Honey Suckle flower on a spring day fills the air as the breeze sends it across the area. The same is true of That Smell of Presence. It is permeating the room in which I sit. It over powers even the smell depravity, death and pride.

simple lessons learned from a scared past, laced with pride, salvation and forgiveness.

Take a deep breath...Breathe deep. Breathe in all that He is and all that we are not. Breathe in all He has given and exhale all He is not.

just breathe. Can you smell it?

I can. Finally.