the reality of being in a situation where one is being remade is very daunting. things that were are no more. confidence that existed has turned to pause and caution.
being 47 and being re-worked from the ground up is kinda scary. should be enjoying a chosen career. should be dealing with connections, making plans for retirement, looking at some time shares, planning out long road trips.
not.
so the question is this...will my attitude be that of the "Christian Hipster" that seems to reflect the emergent cool look, rely on connections, conferences and clothes (disqualified already)?
saw an interview once of a guy who had been on a boat from Haiti for 3 weeks. he was asked how he felt (a question that i was asked today). he said in his deep Haitian accent..."i am just happy to be here."
I'm just happy to be here. still allowed to be involved in a vibrant church, creative people to work along side, and "my wife still lets me in at night."
kinda sums it all up.
attitude?
I'm just happy to be here.
6.02.2009
sometimes...i remember
it all started last night when i was channel surfing. came across this show called Crossroads. Jamey Johnson and Shooter Jennings hooked up and sang each others tunes.
not a country music guy, but when hard livin outlaws sing about the old outlaw days, it always brings me back to the heartache i lived through for so many years.
this song, was my life for so long. set free from that now. no desire to go back. but the honesty here is so close to my actions it was scary. especially the part about the church...well all of it. it was as if he had taken a year out of my life and put it down to music.
The High Cost of Living
I was just a normal guy
Life was just a nine to five
With bills and pressurePiled up to the sky
She never asked She knew
I’d beHangin’ with my wilder friends
Looking for some other way to fly
And three days straight was no big feat
Could get by with no food or sleep
And crazy was becoming my new norm
I’d pass out on the bedroom floor
And sleep right through the calm before the storm
My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
That southern Baptist parking lot
Is where I’d go to smoke my pot
Sit there in my pickup truck and pray
Staring at that giant cross
Just reminded me that I was lost
And it just never seemed to point the way
As soon as Jesus turned his back
I find my way across the track
Lookin’ just to score . . . another deal
With my back against that damn eight ball
I didn’t have to think or talk . . . or feel
My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
My whole life went through my head
Layin’ in that motel bed
Watchin’ as the cops kicked in the door
I had a job and a piece of land
My sweet wife was my best friend
But I traded that for cocaine and a whore
With my new found sobriety
I’ve got the time to sit and thinkOf all the things I had . . . and threw away
This prison is much colder than
That one that I was locked up in just yesterday
My life is just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
Hell I can’t even tell if I’m alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
Jamey Johnson
http://www.cmt.com/videos/unplugged/jamey-johnson/264138/high-cost-of-living.jhtml
not a country music guy, but when hard livin outlaws sing about the old outlaw days, it always brings me back to the heartache i lived through for so many years.
this song, was my life for so long. set free from that now. no desire to go back. but the honesty here is so close to my actions it was scary. especially the part about the church...well all of it. it was as if he had taken a year out of my life and put it down to music.
The High Cost of Living
I was just a normal guy
Life was just a nine to five
With bills and pressurePiled up to the sky
She never asked She knew
I’d beHangin’ with my wilder friends
Looking for some other way to fly
And three days straight was no big feat
Could get by with no food or sleep
And crazy was becoming my new norm
I’d pass out on the bedroom floor
And sleep right through the calm before the storm
My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
That southern Baptist parking lot
Is where I’d go to smoke my pot
Sit there in my pickup truck and pray
Staring at that giant cross
Just reminded me that I was lost
And it just never seemed to point the way
As soon as Jesus turned his back
I find my way across the track
Lookin’ just to score . . . another deal
With my back against that damn eight ball
I didn’t have to think or talk . . . or feel
My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
My whole life went through my head
Layin’ in that motel bed
Watchin’ as the cops kicked in the door
I had a job and a piece of land
My sweet wife was my best friend
But I traded that for cocaine and a whore
With my new found sobriety
I’ve got the time to sit and thinkOf all the things I had . . . and threw away
This prison is much colder than
That one that I was locked up in just yesterday
My life is just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
Hell I can’t even tell if I’m alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
Jamey Johnson
http://www.cmt.com/videos/unplugged/jamey-johnson/264138/high-cost-of-living.jhtml
5.05.2009
gypsy roots uncovered.
thought the other day about wandering. read somewhere about wanderlust. i am that. always have been. been wandering for years, though not without purpose or meaning.
prepared this week to give a talk about connection. the journey of discovery through scripture on the thought of community has been eye opening. oddly enough, as i have prepared, several connections that were made 10-12 years ago or more have been rekindled.
recent connects with people here have been amazing. challenging. real. but that happens everywhere we go. would not have it any other way. these true connections that touch the soul are never broken. time, situations, distance. these things cannot stop that.
so we carry our tent from place to place. sharing life, events, love, journey along the way. leaving bits of ourselves, gathering parts from others, so that our makeup changes just a bit each time.
without fail, we are welcomed, loved and encouraged where ever the path leads. he has always guided, corrected, smacked, and gently persuaded. the bride is more beautiful now than ever. although she may be more stationary than she was meant to be, i love her all the same.
turned 47 today. prolly lived longer than i am going to. insert smile here, for a life full of Grace and pain. love and frustration. fear and loathing. wonder and stupidity.
it is comforting to know that these roots i call my own can be traced so far back in antiquity. sojourner, wanderer, journeyman, freak and zealot, court jester and pot head. junkie and thief. all these have been my title at one time or another. but they have never defined me. neither will a building, or a thought, or a political system. what has defined me has been love. i like that.
roll gypsy role.
4.16.2009
jacked up...again
obviously, the following are my own thoughts. if they rattle you, sorry.
over the years, i have had many opportunities to attend conferences, read various books, and be friends with people who ascribe to one common theme...something is wrong and someone, or something is to blame.
words and phrases like God is moving, resurgence, emergent, tradition, worship style, culture, post modern and relevance are just a few of the descriptives that have been used to tell us what the problem may be, how to address it, and how to solve it.
i have heard great men of God speak on these issues. i have been moved, and blessed by wisdom and education that is far beyond me and my dismal attempt at intellect.
there seems to be lots of blame to go around.
the new breed blames the old school for not getting it.
the old school blames the new breed for not respecting it.
leaders at educational institutions admonish their graduates to tackle it, yet they seem so ill equipped to do so. we go to these gatherings to refresh and rekindle what may be sleeping deep within, yet the tide continues to erode away what we cannot quite put our finger on. they continue to encourage us with what is wrong and how to fix it. but classes did not quite cover this issue.
the fact the Jesus is not republican still escapes us, and even though we think he is, all the government help we thought we had did not outlaw abortion, so we blame the new guy. and we seem surprised when a culture turns against us because we are judgemental and display a lack of understanding and grace towards them.
so. i had just about had enough. really. left wing, right wing, i mean wtf?
then yesterday i was in a meeting, a long meeting mind you, and it all became clear.
15 years of asking how, and what had become so heavy, so sad, so tiring, so weak, so typical.
and in 3 min time, i was reminded. not what the problem was, or even how to address the issues of philosophy that could deal with such a daunting task. but why.
i watched a guy weep over why. why she is here. why we do what we do.
in that moment, i was cleansed and all that is wrong gave way to why he came. i was warmed by the mercy and grace that was in his eyes. glory rested on him. almost like Moses when he saw God.
all the books about how to deal with an emerging culture (i have read more than i would like to admit), all the conferences on what the problem is, and what kind of leaders we need to address it (i have wasted many a church dollar on that as an excuse to get away...sorry), never flashed before my eyes or entered my mind.
what came to mind was this..."it is his kindness that leads us to repentance."
over the years, i have had many opportunities to attend conferences, read various books, and be friends with people who ascribe to one common theme...something is wrong and someone, or something is to blame.
words and phrases like God is moving, resurgence, emergent, tradition, worship style, culture, post modern and relevance are just a few of the descriptives that have been used to tell us what the problem may be, how to address it, and how to solve it.
i have heard great men of God speak on these issues. i have been moved, and blessed by wisdom and education that is far beyond me and my dismal attempt at intellect.
there seems to be lots of blame to go around.
the new breed blames the old school for not getting it.
the old school blames the new breed for not respecting it.
leaders at educational institutions admonish their graduates to tackle it, yet they seem so ill equipped to do so. we go to these gatherings to refresh and rekindle what may be sleeping deep within, yet the tide continues to erode away what we cannot quite put our finger on. they continue to encourage us with what is wrong and how to fix it. but classes did not quite cover this issue.
the fact the Jesus is not republican still escapes us, and even though we think he is, all the government help we thought we had did not outlaw abortion, so we blame the new guy. and we seem surprised when a culture turns against us because we are judgemental and display a lack of understanding and grace towards them.
so. i had just about had enough. really. left wing, right wing, i mean wtf?
then yesterday i was in a meeting, a long meeting mind you, and it all became clear.
15 years of asking how, and what had become so heavy, so sad, so tiring, so weak, so typical.
and in 3 min time, i was reminded. not what the problem was, or even how to address the issues of philosophy that could deal with such a daunting task. but why.
i watched a guy weep over why. why she is here. why we do what we do.
in that moment, i was cleansed and all that is wrong gave way to why he came. i was warmed by the mercy and grace that was in his eyes. glory rested on him. almost like Moses when he saw God.
all the books about how to deal with an emerging culture (i have read more than i would like to admit), all the conferences on what the problem is, and what kind of leaders we need to address it (i have wasted many a church dollar on that as an excuse to get away...sorry), never flashed before my eyes or entered my mind.
what came to mind was this..."it is his kindness that leads us to repentance."
3.30.2009
the year of my discontent
have not written much as of late. not that i have a following, but it helps me to lay it out.
today is a year since i began this journey. not one situation has turned into what i had hoped for. nothing. but then again, all i had to go on was the idea, the vision, the passion. some say timing is key, others say location. me? all i know it this. every part of my life has been poked into, prodded, kicked, cut, stretched and beaten. i got scars from battles, battles i was not expecting to have to fight. but fight we did. and survival was not just taken for granted, darkness covered so thick at times, i could taste it, touch it. it was heavy, and it seemed i would be lost there. wandering around, feeling for a way out.
i was present at every attack, every attempt, and every fall. i can say now, that although it was difficult, it was good. although it hurt, at least i can feel it. although i wept, at least i had tears. i never really understood his presence till i wondered if he was there. he was. just quiet.
the year has been difficult. i found peace in being allowed to serve. given to me i think as a way to keep what little bit of sanity that remains.
visions of grandeur and wonder. over thought and over played...as usual.
as i look back on the years events, rather than chaos, i find purpose. i was told that once. "i need you to find purpose in this." i have. it mattered.
can't really say what happened for the clouds and fog to clear. i lost some things, issues, attitudes, friends, part of myself along the way. seems to be part of the purpose. i found a trueness inside a team of guys, a fear of loss, an understanding of my own arrogance, a loving community, an acceptance and honesty.
we have always been willing to be used and go anywhere for the one we serve. but this time, i actually made myself think...this one is for me. we are doing this for me and my hopes and dreams, my future, my ability. not so much.
i am ready. clear headed. still abit unsure, but ready. sword drawn, heart rate elevated a bit, skin cooled by the breeze, excited about what comes. ready to face my own frailty and fear. ready to swing on the next attempt at falling back.
darkness and discontent. not so much anymore.
today is a year since i began this journey. not one situation has turned into what i had hoped for. nothing. but then again, all i had to go on was the idea, the vision, the passion. some say timing is key, others say location. me? all i know it this. every part of my life has been poked into, prodded, kicked, cut, stretched and beaten. i got scars from battles, battles i was not expecting to have to fight. but fight we did. and survival was not just taken for granted, darkness covered so thick at times, i could taste it, touch it. it was heavy, and it seemed i would be lost there. wandering around, feeling for a way out.
i was present at every attack, every attempt, and every fall. i can say now, that although it was difficult, it was good. although it hurt, at least i can feel it. although i wept, at least i had tears. i never really understood his presence till i wondered if he was there. he was. just quiet.
the year has been difficult. i found peace in being allowed to serve. given to me i think as a way to keep what little bit of sanity that remains.
visions of grandeur and wonder. over thought and over played...as usual.
as i look back on the years events, rather than chaos, i find purpose. i was told that once. "i need you to find purpose in this." i have. it mattered.
can't really say what happened for the clouds and fog to clear. i lost some things, issues, attitudes, friends, part of myself along the way. seems to be part of the purpose. i found a trueness inside a team of guys, a fear of loss, an understanding of my own arrogance, a loving community, an acceptance and honesty.
we have always been willing to be used and go anywhere for the one we serve. but this time, i actually made myself think...this one is for me. we are doing this for me and my hopes and dreams, my future, my ability. not so much.
i am ready. clear headed. still abit unsure, but ready. sword drawn, heart rate elevated a bit, skin cooled by the breeze, excited about what comes. ready to face my own frailty and fear. ready to swing on the next attempt at falling back.
darkness and discontent. not so much anymore.
2.09.2009
28 thoughts from 28 years with 1 woman
Feb 14 is the 28th anniversary of my marriage proposal to my wife Sheri. as scattered, here are a few thoughts that have been running through my mind...
1. wow! 28 years! guess we proved them wrong huh babe?
2. as rough as it was early, it is that much better now.
3. it scares me how bad i suck with out you.
4. it is gonna be fun getting old(er) with you.
5. i love watching you with the grand kids. your eyes sparkle as you play with them, and they chase you around.
6. the way you look at me moves me deeply.
7. you still can't drive.
8. you are now a better cook than my mother...have been for a while. don't tell her.
9. it has been cool to watch you grow. you are not afraid of life anymore.
10. i enjoy being with you.
11. i love hearing you laugh.
12. i am still convinced you make up stuff i did not say.
13. you have always been a good mother.
14. "when you are around you take my blues away"
15. i wish i could give you more jewelry, although you have never asked for any.
16. you are an example of a good friend. others are seemingly drawn to you.
17. you have always been supportive. even when you did not have to.
18. it has always amazing to walk into a room with you.
19. when i pick you up from work, i love it that you smile when you see the car.
20. thank you for the memories.
21. i will never forget the first time i kissed you.
22. what do you want for supper tonight?
23. thanks for being loving about how i lost all that time at church, and reminding me not to do it again.
24. i like watching you sleep.
25. you smell good.
26. there has been lots of pain in our lives. but if changing that would change who we are now, then i would not change anything.
27. when we get old(er) and retire, i am not going to let you drive.
28. i love you Sheri. i love you more now than ever. i love being married to you, i love that you are truly my best friend, i love how you take care of me when i am sick, how you make me feel like a man, how you understand me, how you know me, i love how you love Jesus, i love how you wake me up in the morning...but mostly, i am still in love with you.
2.04.2009
lip service.
for several weeks, our life group has been going through a series called "they like Jesus, but not the church." by dan kimble.
the discussion tonight was especially needed and welcome.
we have a wide variety of people in our group, as we have had the blessing to have in the last few years. it is what we do, and have done. living life together, sharing, learning, enjoying life.
is the church homophobic?
well, the answer we came away with is yes.
the discussion was well represented and well thought out. it all changed for me when i realized a few years ago that along with the word homosexual, came a lot of baggage, lot of fear, lot of judgement and a lot of condemnation.
people matter to God. they always have. people who are pursued, loved and made in his image. in reality, we came to understand that people are loved no less for their sexual orientation than a recovering addict (which i am), a liar (which i am), a thief (which i have been), a racist (which i was), an idolater (which we all have been), or an arrogant Pharisee.
the problem is that we have placed ourselves above others and have not taken on a reflection of who Jesus has commanded us to be. while not condoning any known sin, we realized the sad thing is that we are even having the conversation. when Jesus invades a persons life, he does what he does, makes us new. celibacy is no difference in this situation than in a heterosexual lifestyle, and we don't look at that with disdain.
sexuality should not define who we love nor who we extend the grace of Jesus to. nor should race, creed, religion, hair color or class.
we all realized our lack of compassion at one point or another, lack of understanding at why we are the way we are, sadness at the church's treatment of people in general who are different from the "normal" definition of a christian.
forgiveness. grace. mercy. love. acceptance. these are words that define our Lord Jesus. these same words should define his children...the same children who bear his name, his likeness, his mission. how dare us demand they, these who are labeled for a specific sin, come to Christ in any way but as they are, in need of a savior. it is his responsibility to do with sin as he will in the lives of his children. it is our call to treat them as he does...the same as he treats us.
it was not our mission to solve the theological battles that rage on between scholars and teachers of scripture. nor was it our mission to sweep sin away like a pile of sand. it was not our purpose to change the entire view in which we are seen as judgmental, backward, unforgiving people who are not aware of changing times. it was not our plan to develop a statement to apologize for actions of people who hate people.
it was our desire to see where we have failed to love others and decide to change ourselves as we advance the kingdom of God as lovers of his Son, and reflections of his glory.
we all agreed on that.
2.02.2009
you want some of this?
prepping for a talk at the local college. had thought prayer would be the discussion and emphasis, and still may be. but today, my thoughts have been on Phi 3.
i have at times, pursued Christ like a child wanting a cool drink on a hot summer day. other times it has been like a "cocaine addict" messy and helpless. others still, like a minister, seeking some kind of insight for a text i would be teaching on. fear has been a motivation to seek, as has guilt.
but in all my years, as much as i desired, as many times as i may have said it, i have not sought to share in the sufferings of Christ.
i read through Phil 3 earlier. and the text jumped off the page and kicked in the lock i had placed on my heart. i saw it there. in the midst of these words i had seen and heard so many times, the passionate love one man has for his God.
don't get me wrong. i have a love for Him. but it occurred to me today that the courtship that had taken place seemed to have become safe and comfortable. the seeking for just a glimpse of his face had turned into a nice, pleasant affair that was ok...but not all or nothing.
not gonna get all theological here. someone else can do that. that has left me bored and without love for people. especially toward those who need more than theology. what i will get is the fire of a courtship that had beckoned me from all i have and ever wanted. it is certainly not that theology is bad, but the discussion of theology had left me with a faith that had turned inward.
never suffered for faith. i have had people in my life suffer illness, lost loved ones, had difficult things to deal with. but not for the glory of God and the gospel. even now, i am not sure what it would mean to share in Christ's sufferings.
but i do know this. what i have, and there is not much, i surrender it. indeed, that all i am and all i desire would be given for the unsurpassed worth of knowing Christ, and be found in him. what ever that means.
kinda funny how things become simple when we get older.
i have at times, pursued Christ like a child wanting a cool drink on a hot summer day. other times it has been like a "cocaine addict" messy and helpless. others still, like a minister, seeking some kind of insight for a text i would be teaching on. fear has been a motivation to seek, as has guilt.
but in all my years, as much as i desired, as many times as i may have said it, i have not sought to share in the sufferings of Christ.
i read through Phil 3 earlier. and the text jumped off the page and kicked in the lock i had placed on my heart. i saw it there. in the midst of these words i had seen and heard so many times, the passionate love one man has for his God.
don't get me wrong. i have a love for Him. but it occurred to me today that the courtship that had taken place seemed to have become safe and comfortable. the seeking for just a glimpse of his face had turned into a nice, pleasant affair that was ok...but not all or nothing.
not gonna get all theological here. someone else can do that. that has left me bored and without love for people. especially toward those who need more than theology. what i will get is the fire of a courtship that had beckoned me from all i have and ever wanted. it is certainly not that theology is bad, but the discussion of theology had left me with a faith that had turned inward.
never suffered for faith. i have had people in my life suffer illness, lost loved ones, had difficult things to deal with. but not for the glory of God and the gospel. even now, i am not sure what it would mean to share in Christ's sufferings.
but i do know this. what i have, and there is not much, i surrender it. indeed, that all i am and all i desire would be given for the unsurpassed worth of knowing Christ, and be found in him. what ever that means.
kinda funny how things become simple when we get older.
1.26.2009
the face of worship
i have a cousin named Terry. he is about 50-53 years old. he lives in an institution. Terry has down syndrome. i grew up having terry around all the time. i knew he was different, even as a small kid, but he is family. it was no big deal.
terry had a great laugh, but when we messed with him, he would jack us up. i miss him, even now as i write this...i see his face, remember his voice. he could not say jeff, so he called me seff.
he went to church with us, loved church. he always cried. wept loudly at times. seemed to me he was responding to the holy spirit. he looked to me like he worshipped. he would sing along...well, he was actually singing his own song, and it was usually loud, often drowning out others around us, overlapping his verses, eyes closed and connecting. i will forever have that face etched in my mind.
terry was not supposed to live past 25 or so. he now has Alzheimer's. forgetting people, short tempered, closing himself off. needs structure now. regimen. it makes me sad really. although i miss him, i have not seen him in 5 years or so. i miss his smile, the way he would ask me for money, the bear hug he would give me, the singing. he loved elvis. he had a walkman he carried with him everywhere. singing. always singing. i probably wont see him again. i keep waiting for the call.
sat night, we went to our usual gathering of fellow believers for worship. great times, great music, great environment.
he sat right down front. a down kid. he was rockin the joint...air guitar, singing loud and completely off key. in a crowd of a couple thousand, he could not be missed. call it what you will, be he was connecting. full blown connection.
not sure what some saw. distraction maybe. not uncommon. it can be. when someone enters in to full on worship, it can be very distracting to non worshippers.
i know what i saw. i saw terry. his smile, his genuineness, his connection, his energy. i saw in this kid what i lack at times. a shameless loss of concern of what is around him. no cares, just connecting. i saw worship in this kids face. at that moment, special needs was what i thought of myself...not him. i needed a touch of what he had, because it was special.
i love you terry.
may my heart lose interest in those around me and that which would hinder.
thoughts from the journey.
1.22.2009
motivation
i asked myself this morning, why?
why have i spent all these years serving the church?
why am i so wanting to teach the truths of scripture?
why does small group ministry in our home matter so much to me?
why do i, an opinionated, slightly over weight, middles aged former youth minister really want to get involved in the spiritual issues and situations in the lives of others?
why?
the answer to that question has changed over the last few years, last few months even.
my dogmatic ways early on provided a means for me to confront the smallness of my, and our views of this great God we so non chalantly serve. loved to drop the God bombs, they were called by one, on upper middle class kids. dogma often is seen as passion. at least it was for me early on.
lately though, as i rethink everything in my life, i realized this...as good as i thought i was, as passionate and truthful as i thought i was being, my motivation was not an honest one. granted, i was told this several times, but always rationalized it away.
maybe it is because i am getting older.
maybe it is because i see the error of my arrogance.
maybe it is because i have been part of a systematic tearing down of individuals character and motives, all the while telling folks to love as Christ did.
or maybe, just maybe, ministry was not an avenue for my agendas, political views, meanness, judgemental attitudes toward people, career, denomination, or even service for the greater good
maybe, and this is where i am now, people really matter to God. while i have said that for years, i am not sure i actually believed it. if i did, my actions and words toward them would have been much different.
maybe my motivation was the message, and not the love for them that they would hear it.
maybe i missed the point. not totally, but partly.
in my life, now, people matter. if my words as a minister say love one another, and i don't...
if my words say invest in people and i don't...
if my words say serve one another, and i don't...
if my words say trust in his ways and not mine...and i don't...
if my words say accountability is important for you and there is none in my life...
if my words do not come from a forgiven heart, but expect others to forgive...
then my words are simply that. words. it does not matter how good a communicator i am, if i do not take into account that people matter to God, therefore they matter to me, then i am no more than that which i disdain...typical.
Lord, teach me to love as you do. may my life be a reflection of the love , grace, forgiveness, mercy and trust that you have given me. i don't wanna be that guy anymore. the guy that says one thing and lives another.
thanks for continuing to change me, and allowing me to be part of the process. may your word dwell richly in my life and heart.
thoughts from the journey
why have i spent all these years serving the church?
why am i so wanting to teach the truths of scripture?
why does small group ministry in our home matter so much to me?
why do i, an opinionated, slightly over weight, middles aged former youth minister really want to get involved in the spiritual issues and situations in the lives of others?
why?
the answer to that question has changed over the last few years, last few months even.
my dogmatic ways early on provided a means for me to confront the smallness of my, and our views of this great God we so non chalantly serve. loved to drop the God bombs, they were called by one, on upper middle class kids. dogma often is seen as passion. at least it was for me early on.
lately though, as i rethink everything in my life, i realized this...as good as i thought i was, as passionate and truthful as i thought i was being, my motivation was not an honest one. granted, i was told this several times, but always rationalized it away.
maybe it is because i am getting older.
maybe it is because i see the error of my arrogance.
maybe it is because i have been part of a systematic tearing down of individuals character and motives, all the while telling folks to love as Christ did.
or maybe, just maybe, ministry was not an avenue for my agendas, political views, meanness, judgemental attitudes toward people, career, denomination, or even service for the greater good
maybe, and this is where i am now, people really matter to God. while i have said that for years, i am not sure i actually believed it. if i did, my actions and words toward them would have been much different.
maybe my motivation was the message, and not the love for them that they would hear it.
maybe i missed the point. not totally, but partly.
in my life, now, people matter. if my words as a minister say love one another, and i don't...
if my words say invest in people and i don't...
if my words say serve one another, and i don't...
if my words say trust in his ways and not mine...and i don't...
if my words say accountability is important for you and there is none in my life...
if my words do not come from a forgiven heart, but expect others to forgive...
then my words are simply that. words. it does not matter how good a communicator i am, if i do not take into account that people matter to God, therefore they matter to me, then i am no more than that which i disdain...typical.
Lord, teach me to love as you do. may my life be a reflection of the love , grace, forgiveness, mercy and trust that you have given me. i don't wanna be that guy anymore. the guy that says one thing and lives another.
thanks for continuing to change me, and allowing me to be part of the process. may your word dwell richly in my life and heart.
thoughts from the journey
1.20.2009
Understanding.
i am a white man. born in the south. taught racism at an early age.
i have no clue what it feels like to be treated differently, negatively, because of the color of my skin. no idea how it feels to be turned away from a place of business, or restaurant because of my skin. no idea how it feels to be labeled based on my skin.
we have freely elected a black man as president of the united states of America. history was made. millions saw it happen live, millions more watched it on tv. history.
i did not vote for this black man.
i do support him.
several months ago, California voted against gay marriage. the folks who pushed so hard for that to pass have been the most despicable in their actions. pickets, nasty attitudes, means spirited shouts of hatred towards those who were responsible for the measure passing. called un-American, homo-phobic, Nazi's elite Christians and out of touch people who desire to beat down the wants of another.
not a pretty picture.
now that we have a black man as president, a Democrat, many who did not vote for him have taken on that same spirit of meanness, hurling Christianise at those who have found hope in his leadership, seemingly in continuing prayer to hold off the very hand of God to stop the coming annihilation of freedom as we know it.
not a pretty picture.
i saw hope today in the eyes of old black men and women. people who in their life time, could not eat with white folks, use the same water fountain, use the same restroom, walk on the same side of the street, shop in the same store, go to the same school, enter by the same door. hope in the eyes of young people, both white and black, not to have to go through what they did, but see the dream of their ancestors while a black man was inaugurated president.
i hope he has great success.
whether he fails or not, he should have our support.
i hope my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will not be the cause of division, but in awe of God pray for his leadership and the salvation of our country. may people look at us as followers of Christ, not anti Democrat, not anti gay, anti abortion, anti drinking...but pro love.
that is what Jesus would do.
i have no clue what it feels like to be treated differently, negatively, because of the color of my skin. no idea how it feels to be turned away from a place of business, or restaurant because of my skin. no idea how it feels to be labeled based on my skin.
we have freely elected a black man as president of the united states of America. history was made. millions saw it happen live, millions more watched it on tv. history.
i did not vote for this black man.
i do support him.
several months ago, California voted against gay marriage. the folks who pushed so hard for that to pass have been the most despicable in their actions. pickets, nasty attitudes, means spirited shouts of hatred towards those who were responsible for the measure passing. called un-American, homo-phobic, Nazi's elite Christians and out of touch people who desire to beat down the wants of another.
not a pretty picture.
now that we have a black man as president, a Democrat, many who did not vote for him have taken on that same spirit of meanness, hurling Christianise at those who have found hope in his leadership, seemingly in continuing prayer to hold off the very hand of God to stop the coming annihilation of freedom as we know it.
not a pretty picture.
i saw hope today in the eyes of old black men and women. people who in their life time, could not eat with white folks, use the same water fountain, use the same restroom, walk on the same side of the street, shop in the same store, go to the same school, enter by the same door. hope in the eyes of young people, both white and black, not to have to go through what they did, but see the dream of their ancestors while a black man was inaugurated president.
i hope he has great success.
whether he fails or not, he should have our support.
i hope my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will not be the cause of division, but in awe of God pray for his leadership and the salvation of our country. may people look at us as followers of Christ, not anti Democrat, not anti gay, anti abortion, anti drinking...but pro love.
that is what Jesus would do.
1.12.2009
The Look
most of my life i have had the pleasure to live outside the camp. not a complete outlaw, but had had outlaw tendencies. my perspective has been tainted by years of drug abuse, followed by even more indulgent waves of grace.
i get to meet people all over the country, because of what i have been allowed to be part of. kids, teens, college, adults, old folks. all kinds of people remind me regularly that God is so outrageous with his love. we are all so different, so crazy, so independent, so dependent, so in need.
the edgy folks have had most of my attention through the years. with student ministry the skaters caught my eye. rebellious, anti authority, not accepted, always being told to leave. Tattoos, piercings, what ever. the expressions of people amaze me.
so i met this guy the other day. old school guy. been around a long time, loyal, faithful, old school.
he asked me what i did. i tried to make a joke, he did not find it funny, then told him of the plan to reach bikers through the church...using http://primalfaith.net a curriculum we are trying to develop. I told him the status has left these folks out of the conversation. as i finished my sentence, he looked at me, then turned away.
did i just get the look? i asked my self...the look of disdain from a fellow laborer? i felt so disrespected. it took me by surprise, off guard.
i laughed it off. then, realized how selective we really are as a faith community.
funny. i got the look when i was a junkie, a thief, and outside the faith community. i got it because most folks did not bother to look past that. natural response actually. people like that scare us.
but when those kinds of people...junkies, tattooed folks, rough, raw, junkies find Christ, the look is supposed to disappear...should have never been there actually, right?
the look just made me realize how important it is that i remember all people are made in his image. all people need Christ's love. all people are in need of a saviour. like me.
glad Jesus looked at me. and this guy reminded me of it.
i get to meet people all over the country, because of what i have been allowed to be part of. kids, teens, college, adults, old folks. all kinds of people remind me regularly that God is so outrageous with his love. we are all so different, so crazy, so independent, so dependent, so in need.
the edgy folks have had most of my attention through the years. with student ministry the skaters caught my eye. rebellious, anti authority, not accepted, always being told to leave. Tattoos, piercings, what ever. the expressions of people amaze me.
so i met this guy the other day. old school guy. been around a long time, loyal, faithful, old school.
he asked me what i did. i tried to make a joke, he did not find it funny, then told him of the plan to reach bikers through the church...using http://primalfaith.net a curriculum we are trying to develop. I told him the status has left these folks out of the conversation. as i finished my sentence, he looked at me, then turned away.
did i just get the look? i asked my self...the look of disdain from a fellow laborer? i felt so disrespected. it took me by surprise, off guard.
i laughed it off. then, realized how selective we really are as a faith community.
funny. i got the look when i was a junkie, a thief, and outside the faith community. i got it because most folks did not bother to look past that. natural response actually. people like that scare us.
but when those kinds of people...junkies, tattooed folks, rough, raw, junkies find Christ, the look is supposed to disappear...should have never been there actually, right?
the look just made me realize how important it is that i remember all people are made in his image. all people need Christ's love. all people are in need of a saviour. like me.
glad Jesus looked at me. and this guy reminded me of it.
1.09.2009
role models and Nirvana
so it is 2009, and i have, against my better judgement, decided to resolve to eat better and exercise. so far so good.
the other day, Sheri and i go to the gym to do our daily routine. my favorite place to do the tread mill is the "theater room". BA screen and ESPN. or, at least that is what is supposed to be on.
this particular day, i get saddled up and look up and i am surrounded my 15 women all watching Oprah. and my luck? she is talking about getting healthy for the new year.
we need role models. we need people in our culture that reflect right living, faith and diligence. but give me a break! Oprah as a weight loss role model? i may be wrong, but she is the one who has shrunk and ballooned up more times than a hot air balloon...right? i get the fact she desires to empower women, but the fact we all seem to give a crap about listening to her about weight loss when she cant seem to get it right, just freaks me out a bit.
i walked and listened as she encouraged her listeners to "put themselves back on their priority lists."
anyone else kinda think that is why we are so jacked up as a country? we have all BEEN on our priority list. that is why we are fat and selfish. i say that, cause i am fat and selfish.
it reminded me of a song by Nirvana, Smells like teen spirit
I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
hello, how low?
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now Entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Yeah
And I forget
Just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind
heard some conversation about church the other day.
people want what they want. mostly relief from life, and what is left, some flavor. so we add Jesus like salt. it tastes like the American Dream.
no sacrifice, no giving.
just taking and entertainment.
like a fat guy at the buffet. gorging myself because i can.
here we are now, entertain us.
as the Gospel becomes about making me number 1 on my priority list, the hole in our hearts grows and is endlessly filled with object of my affections...me.
not sure if Jesus ever told us to become a priority so as we could find balance.
thoughts from the journey.
the other day, Sheri and i go to the gym to do our daily routine. my favorite place to do the tread mill is the "theater room". BA screen and ESPN. or, at least that is what is supposed to be on.
this particular day, i get saddled up and look up and i am surrounded my 15 women all watching Oprah. and my luck? she is talking about getting healthy for the new year.
we need role models. we need people in our culture that reflect right living, faith and diligence. but give me a break! Oprah as a weight loss role model? i may be wrong, but she is the one who has shrunk and ballooned up more times than a hot air balloon...right? i get the fact she desires to empower women, but the fact we all seem to give a crap about listening to her about weight loss when she cant seem to get it right, just freaks me out a bit.
i walked and listened as she encouraged her listeners to "put themselves back on their priority lists."
anyone else kinda think that is why we are so jacked up as a country? we have all BEEN on our priority list. that is why we are fat and selfish. i say that, cause i am fat and selfish.
it reminded me of a song by Nirvana, Smells like teen spirit
I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
hello, how low?
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now Entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Yeah
And I forget
Just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind
heard some conversation about church the other day.
people want what they want. mostly relief from life, and what is left, some flavor. so we add Jesus like salt. it tastes like the American Dream.
no sacrifice, no giving.
just taking and entertainment.
like a fat guy at the buffet. gorging myself because i can.
here we are now, entertain us.
as the Gospel becomes about making me number 1 on my priority list, the hole in our hearts grows and is endlessly filled with object of my affections...me.
not sure if Jesus ever told us to become a priority so as we could find balance.
thoughts from the journey.
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