The last 2 weeks have been sort of a pleasure pain kind of deal. The new job is gonna be great, once the kinks are worked out. But the pain has been being away from my wife. 24 years in 2 weeks. Being away from her for 10 of the last 14 days have been more than difficult.
one thing I look forward to is coming home.
she sees me pull in the driveway and comes running out to meet me. Her face is glowing with love and commitment. Her eyes filled with joy, her smile as bright as her face. She loves me. Truly, madly and deeply.
she has walked all the difficult roads by my side. She has been a rock and a place of comfort. She amazes me with how much she looks like Jesus. I imagine Him smiling as she does. She is faithful, honest, loyal and full of life. I long for her when we are apart. I get extremely emotional when I see her coming out to meet me. A tear wells up in my eye. I try to hide it, because after all, I am a man. She means more to me that I could ever had thought or dreamed.
I have learned lately that Jesus loves me the same way. inspite of my shortcomings and my mistakes, He loves me completely. He longs to see me, to hear from me, to listen to me, to teach me.
I am also learning that He wants me to love Him with more than controlled reverence. He desires for me to dance in His presence, to bow at His holiness, yet be free to jump around with Joy at what he has already done.
tears come to my eyes when I think of how I have tried to love with my mind and left my emotions out. I have wasted so much time trying not to be emotional about my love for the Lord.
how can I be overcome with emotional love for my wife and my children and not be overcome with that same excited love for Jesus? The Lord Jesus is a wild lover. How can I give Him less than He gives me?
I suppose all this has a lot to do with where I am now. The newness of life and opportunity is a good thing. I like where I am now. As I try to come to grips with all that has happened, this remains. Love.
all this from a guy who built a ministry on confrontation and not compassion. Based on what some anon posters have written I have hurt some folks, left them to deal with some things. I am sorry for that.
however, if you want to know what real pain I have caused in my life, talk to my wife. Words cannot express how I have hurt her. During those many years of drug addiction she was the brunt of all things that came from me. But now...She wants to see me. Ask her why she looks at me the way she does when she sees me.
in a few moments, I will get up from here, walk into the living room, and she will be looking at me. Her face lights up like the Son. Her smile will be beautiful and she will say those words..."I love you."
after 24 years, neither of us will be used to adorn the cover of any magazines. But she is more beautiful today than the first time I saw her.
here's to my wife. My crutch when I cannot walk, my wisdom when I am confused, my helper when I am weak, my comfort when I need a hug. She is the tool in the hands of a loving God.
and when I go home to be with Jesus, I can only imagine Him looking at me that way.
4.30.2005
4.29.2005
No Habla...
I work with three folks from different parts of Latin America. Brazil, Columbia, and one other country I cannot recall. I can barely speak English, so dealing with folks who struggle with that has been a little difficult. The language barrier is not as bad with 2 as is with Melvin. He speaks very little English and all the Spanish I know is not for use in most situations. So this week, many of the conversations we had involved some translation. It was difficult at first, but we have been able to communicate. Hand motions, finger pointing and a little explanation seem to go a long way. Truth is, all would be good if I could speak Spanish, or he could speak more English.
sometimes when I deal with Christians, I feel like we speak 2 different languages. The funny thing is, nothing I have ever said has been a completely original thought, so it has been heard before.
both sides struggle trying to understand what the other is saying. Even with a middle man or a translator, things get way out of hand and can sometimes lead to frustration and even anger. Things would be better if we all spoke the same language...Or would it?
the problem arises when both sides fail to try and really listen to the point.
we all have so much baggage that we carry that we seldom look at the agenda we are trying to push as a liability. So we are stuck trying to unlock the code of hand signals and finger pointing.
my back ground and passions and giftedness cause me to see the world in a certain way. The glasses I see the world through are not rose colored, but psychedelic. So it is difficult for me to explain to someone why I say what I say. It is difficult for me to understand why certain folks react the way they do. Best I can figure some folks just like pointing out how wrong you are for doing what you are doing and saying what you are saying. I do that, so I should expect others to do it to me.
I get the weirdest feelings when folks respond in certain ways to what I write. I guess because they do not get why I am where I am, or where I have been. And the stiff collar person or a legalist will never understand why freedom is so important to an addict. Ever want to really understand freedom...Ask someone who has really understood bondage.
my mistakes have been many. There will be many more to come. Especially in traffic.
for what ever the reason, my life has taken a huge turn. From a staff member position in 2 prominent churches to sales manager with a building supply company. Both are different. I miss the church deal. I really loved teens. Some of their parents were the problem...Never the kids. But I still miss it. I miss preaching, I miss the attention. I am vain that way. And I miss the big group sometimes. Talk about your dichotmy. (sp?)
so here is my dilemma...
do I stop living out my calling because I am not a staff member? No. How can I?
is what I am doing now any less important? No. If it does, all the lay people I have met and ministered along side with have been lied to.
did I make some wrong choices? Yes. Although I hate regret...There is some of that.
do I feel a little weird because I am not doing what I have been trained to do? Yes.
Andy Stanley said "sometimes, you have to get out of the ministry in order to get back to ministry." I don't want to be the rebel guy on staff any more. But that desire to ask why has not left either.
and finally...I am cool with who and where I am. For now.
trying to learn the language.
sometimes when I deal with Christians, I feel like we speak 2 different languages. The funny thing is, nothing I have ever said has been a completely original thought, so it has been heard before.
both sides struggle trying to understand what the other is saying. Even with a middle man or a translator, things get way out of hand and can sometimes lead to frustration and even anger. Things would be better if we all spoke the same language...Or would it?
the problem arises when both sides fail to try and really listen to the point.
we all have so much baggage that we carry that we seldom look at the agenda we are trying to push as a liability. So we are stuck trying to unlock the code of hand signals and finger pointing.
my back ground and passions and giftedness cause me to see the world in a certain way. The glasses I see the world through are not rose colored, but psychedelic. So it is difficult for me to explain to someone why I say what I say. It is difficult for me to understand why certain folks react the way they do. Best I can figure some folks just like pointing out how wrong you are for doing what you are doing and saying what you are saying. I do that, so I should expect others to do it to me.
I get the weirdest feelings when folks respond in certain ways to what I write. I guess because they do not get why I am where I am, or where I have been. And the stiff collar person or a legalist will never understand why freedom is so important to an addict. Ever want to really understand freedom...Ask someone who has really understood bondage.
my mistakes have been many. There will be many more to come. Especially in traffic.
for what ever the reason, my life has taken a huge turn. From a staff member position in 2 prominent churches to sales manager with a building supply company. Both are different. I miss the church deal. I really loved teens. Some of their parents were the problem...Never the kids. But I still miss it. I miss preaching, I miss the attention. I am vain that way. And I miss the big group sometimes. Talk about your dichotmy. (sp?)
so here is my dilemma...
do I stop living out my calling because I am not a staff member? No. How can I?
is what I am doing now any less important? No. If it does, all the lay people I have met and ministered along side with have been lied to.
did I make some wrong choices? Yes. Although I hate regret...There is some of that.
do I feel a little weird because I am not doing what I have been trained to do? Yes.
Andy Stanley said "sometimes, you have to get out of the ministry in order to get back to ministry." I don't want to be the rebel guy on staff any more. But that desire to ask why has not left either.
and finally...I am cool with who and where I am. For now.
trying to learn the language.
4.28.2005
Low down dirty shame...
Having transitioned from one thing to the other has left a hole in my heart. It is like an old friend who has moved away. The incomplete feeling I am dealing with leaves me asking more questions than I want answers from.
yet, the sense of drive and desire to mingle with and get to know those who are not in the fold fills my heart with joy.
it is as if I am in a foreign place with the opportunity to do something new.
it is a shame that I did not want to spend time with lost folks before. It is a shame that most of my time in my other work was spent soothing folks with issues about hurting feelings rather than dealing with truth. It is a shame we spend more time calming pissed off Christians than telling pagans of the love of the father.
it is a shame we have turned a movement into a destination.
it is exciting we get to do what we do...Infiltrating the area for the King...
new challenges. New passions. Old mandate for the newness.
I am ashamed of my self for then. Excited about now.
yet, the sense of drive and desire to mingle with and get to know those who are not in the fold fills my heart with joy.
it is as if I am in a foreign place with the opportunity to do something new.
it is a shame that I did not want to spend time with lost folks before. It is a shame that most of my time in my other work was spent soothing folks with issues about hurting feelings rather than dealing with truth. It is a shame we spend more time calming pissed off Christians than telling pagans of the love of the father.
it is a shame we have turned a movement into a destination.
it is exciting we get to do what we do...Infiltrating the area for the King...
new challenges. New passions. Old mandate for the newness.
I am ashamed of my self for then. Excited about now.
4.10.2005
Living life...or holding it in like a...what???
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a baked bean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a
time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing
on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside
him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
-Leo Bebb in Frederick Beuchner's Treasure Hunt
after the Braves had a meltdown, I decided to clean out some of my old e-mails. The quote above was sent to me a couple of years ago.
it was encourageing then...and mostly convicting now.
things are weird here. My job is about to be done. My wife's lost her job last week. there is a possibility about some future employment, but nothing is certain yet. I am confident of only one thing...Jesus is on the throne. What ever may come our way, we will live life. Being sullen over the lack of makes no sense...Jesus is on the throne.
things happen. Jobs are lost every day. People die. What I am finding out is this...People who know we are believers could care less if we say a curse word from time to time. The fact that we may drink a beer does not bother them. Living a perfect life is out of reach and they know it. What does matter to them is how we deal with the difficulty that comes our way.
it is the Christian that is anal about language and drinking and perfection. What the pagan wants to know is if we really believe God will care for us when all we have has been taken from us. They want to know there is hope in death. They want to know we do not judge them for their imperfections, and are willing to admit ours.
the experiences of life should be taken in like a deep breath. Held in and enjoyed as long as possible. How can we know the goodness of life unless we can experience the rough patches. Most of us seldom put our selves in the hands of God to take care of us anyway. That kind of abandon is so freeing. When we have nothing it is so much easier to lean on Jesus for sustenance.
I heard it said that there were not many Christian adventurers. That most of the people who risk it all for the joy of experience and life are mostly non believers. I find that odd.
I find it odd that we, who have been called to die daily, to follow Christ to the ends of the earth, who know that the "earth is the Lords, and the fulness thereof", the sons of the "most high God", are the ones least likely to take a risk. Especially at church.
shouldn't we be the ones who have the most vigor and desire to see the world, live with abandon and try new things? Or are we to "hold their life in like a baked bean fart at a Baptist cook out and only let it slip out sideways a little at a
time when they think there's nobody noticing."
go ahead...Live as you were meant to...Let it out. If it stinks, it will only be for a moment. Especially if the wind is blowing.
time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing
on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside
him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
-Leo Bebb in Frederick Beuchner's Treasure Hunt
after the Braves had a meltdown, I decided to clean out some of my old e-mails. The quote above was sent to me a couple of years ago.
it was encourageing then...and mostly convicting now.
things are weird here. My job is about to be done. My wife's lost her job last week. there is a possibility about some future employment, but nothing is certain yet. I am confident of only one thing...Jesus is on the throne. What ever may come our way, we will live life. Being sullen over the lack of makes no sense...Jesus is on the throne.
things happen. Jobs are lost every day. People die. What I am finding out is this...People who know we are believers could care less if we say a curse word from time to time. The fact that we may drink a beer does not bother them. Living a perfect life is out of reach and they know it. What does matter to them is how we deal with the difficulty that comes our way.
it is the Christian that is anal about language and drinking and perfection. What the pagan wants to know is if we really believe God will care for us when all we have has been taken from us. They want to know there is hope in death. They want to know we do not judge them for their imperfections, and are willing to admit ours.
the experiences of life should be taken in like a deep breath. Held in and enjoyed as long as possible. How can we know the goodness of life unless we can experience the rough patches. Most of us seldom put our selves in the hands of God to take care of us anyway. That kind of abandon is so freeing. When we have nothing it is so much easier to lean on Jesus for sustenance.
I heard it said that there were not many Christian adventurers. That most of the people who risk it all for the joy of experience and life are mostly non believers. I find that odd.
I find it odd that we, who have been called to die daily, to follow Christ to the ends of the earth, who know that the "earth is the Lords, and the fulness thereof", the sons of the "most high God", are the ones least likely to take a risk. Especially at church.
shouldn't we be the ones who have the most vigor and desire to see the world, live with abandon and try new things? Or are we to "hold their life in like a baked bean fart at a Baptist cook out and only let it slip out sideways a little at a
time when they think there's nobody noticing."
go ahead...Live as you were meant to...Let it out. If it stinks, it will only be for a moment. Especially if the wind is blowing.
4.06.2005
I aint Skeered
I wonder sometimes why it really matters what I say. In the grand scheme of things, my words are more like a bit of sweat from a mosquito falling into the ocean. The things I have written and said have made more people mad than anything. So what does it matter?
why is what I say so important that others will rise up and attack? Most of the things written here and other places are simply a commentary on what I see. What I see in my self and in others like me. American Christians.
most folks, me included, are full of pride. The scary thing about pride is that it is almost invisible to most. So when I say something that comes against the broad way of thinking, pride gets ruffled and the rocks come out.
so. Here we are again. Trying to work through something and having to write it out so it can make a little sense to me.
rather than let a few folks who seem to be really anal about certain things stop me from my desire to comment on life, culture and other stuff, we will try this again.
the fear of offending the brethren has always been difficult. The reason is we all are so stinking narrow minded. Most of us are so afraid to ask the hard questions about what we see and hear. When someone does ask those questions, it freaks the status quo out.
most of us are afraid to look inside at who we really are. First time I looked in the depths of my heart it freaked me out. The brightness of Salvation overwhelms me, but the relentless draw of sin makes me tremble.
a few years ago I went to New Orleans the week after the Southern Baptist Convention for a Promise Keepers deal. When I was checking in to the motel, the person asked me about having adult movies in my room. I said no and asked him why he would ask that. He told me the week before there were a "bunch of church people who rented the movies on their remote but lied about it and would not pay." "we had more porn rented that week than any other week that year."
the truth is, there are thousands of people, ministers included, who live a dual life. They live in fear of being found out for who they really are.
people are scared to drink a beer in a restaurant yet, their fridge is full of it. People are scared some one is gonna see the history on the web browser. People are scared they are gonna be found out that they are stealing money where they work. People are freaked out about the divorce rate in church, yet immorality runs rampant in the halls of faith. Folks are gossiping about others and have to lie to keep it from sticking to them. WE ALL go to places of worship each week full of things we have not repented from...Friendships are failing, families are struggling, children are fatherless, and the finger of judgment looms heavy in our places of religion.
my heart grows heavy from the realization that the best place for sinners to be is often the last place most will come because they are scared...scared they will be found out. Instead of under the conviction of love and the kindness of the brethren to address and welcome them back into the fold with forgiveness and security.
the fear of being found out drives us away. It drives us to the wilderness where the heaviness of loneliness and sin covers us like a thick and heavy blanket.
I aint skeered about being found out. Are you?
what I am skeered of is not seeing the one who needs to be reassured about the kindness and tenderness of a loving Father.
what I am skeered of is not hearing the whimpers of pain from those who have been kicked at church, or by friends, or by the tribe of the holy who have set up such difficult rules to play by no one could possibly get in.
I am skeered of getting disgusted by those who would silence the ones who ask the hard questions. The ones who keep trying to remind us "There is no spoon."
I am skeered about becoming so self involved that we forget the purpose of going out rather than getting them to come in.
I am skeered that the young folks today are getting a smaller watered down deity that does not look like the massive, Holy, beautiful, wonderful, mighty, full of wrath, full of love and mercy that Scripture represents.
I am skeered that most folks here actually believe Jesus was a white man and He is an American. And if He were here would live in a 3-2 ranchstyle home with a pickett fence and drive an SUV to the big meeting halls, rather than actually being where the homeless and lost were...Like the bars and tattoo joints.
I am skeered we may have mis understood.
I am skeered I ask the wrong questions...But mostly I am afraid I will stop asking them at all.
why is what I say so important that others will rise up and attack? Most of the things written here and other places are simply a commentary on what I see. What I see in my self and in others like me. American Christians.
most folks, me included, are full of pride. The scary thing about pride is that it is almost invisible to most. So when I say something that comes against the broad way of thinking, pride gets ruffled and the rocks come out.
so. Here we are again. Trying to work through something and having to write it out so it can make a little sense to me.
rather than let a few folks who seem to be really anal about certain things stop me from my desire to comment on life, culture and other stuff, we will try this again.
the fear of offending the brethren has always been difficult. The reason is we all are so stinking narrow minded. Most of us are so afraid to ask the hard questions about what we see and hear. When someone does ask those questions, it freaks the status quo out.
most of us are afraid to look inside at who we really are. First time I looked in the depths of my heart it freaked me out. The brightness of Salvation overwhelms me, but the relentless draw of sin makes me tremble.
a few years ago I went to New Orleans the week after the Southern Baptist Convention for a Promise Keepers deal. When I was checking in to the motel, the person asked me about having adult movies in my room. I said no and asked him why he would ask that. He told me the week before there were a "bunch of church people who rented the movies on their remote but lied about it and would not pay." "we had more porn rented that week than any other week that year."
the truth is, there are thousands of people, ministers included, who live a dual life. They live in fear of being found out for who they really are.
people are scared to drink a beer in a restaurant yet, their fridge is full of it. People are scared some one is gonna see the history on the web browser. People are scared they are gonna be found out that they are stealing money where they work. People are freaked out about the divorce rate in church, yet immorality runs rampant in the halls of faith. Folks are gossiping about others and have to lie to keep it from sticking to them. WE ALL go to places of worship each week full of things we have not repented from...Friendships are failing, families are struggling, children are fatherless, and the finger of judgment looms heavy in our places of religion.
my heart grows heavy from the realization that the best place for sinners to be is often the last place most will come because they are scared...scared they will be found out. Instead of under the conviction of love and the kindness of the brethren to address and welcome them back into the fold with forgiveness and security.
the fear of being found out drives us away. It drives us to the wilderness where the heaviness of loneliness and sin covers us like a thick and heavy blanket.
I aint skeered about being found out. Are you?
what I am skeered of is not seeing the one who needs to be reassured about the kindness and tenderness of a loving Father.
what I am skeered of is not hearing the whimpers of pain from those who have been kicked at church, or by friends, or by the tribe of the holy who have set up such difficult rules to play by no one could possibly get in.
I am skeered of getting disgusted by those who would silence the ones who ask the hard questions. The ones who keep trying to remind us "There is no spoon."
I am skeered about becoming so self involved that we forget the purpose of going out rather than getting them to come in.
I am skeered that the young folks today are getting a smaller watered down deity that does not look like the massive, Holy, beautiful, wonderful, mighty, full of wrath, full of love and mercy that Scripture represents.
I am skeered that most folks here actually believe Jesus was a white man and He is an American. And if He were here would live in a 3-2 ranchstyle home with a pickett fence and drive an SUV to the big meeting halls, rather than actually being where the homeless and lost were...Like the bars and tattoo joints.
I am skeered we may have mis understood.
I am skeered I ask the wrong questions...But mostly I am afraid I will stop asking them at all.
4.01.2005
Confession
Things have got out of hand.
I was wrong for lashing out at the hidden ones. it is their right to be such.
if I have offended anyone, I apologize.
if you were hurt, I seek your forgiveness.
dialogue is not worth this. my words have been a judgement on myself more than anyone.
open and transparent writing has become the target of some who wish to point out everything but the point. I am cool with that. that is what it is there for. however, it seems as though we are headed down the road that leads to something other than dialogue.
for that...I am sorry...and done
I was wrong for lashing out at the hidden ones. it is their right to be such.
if I have offended anyone, I apologize.
if you were hurt, I seek your forgiveness.
dialogue is not worth this. my words have been a judgement on myself more than anyone.
open and transparent writing has become the target of some who wish to point out everything but the point. I am cool with that. that is what it is there for. however, it seems as though we are headed down the road that leads to something other than dialogue.
for that...I am sorry...and done
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