5.25.2006

Soul Scratch


deep down in the recesses of my soul lurks an itch. From time to time, it rises to the surface demanding to be reckoned with. Some days, no matter how flexible I am, I can not seem to reach it. I read, pray, even rub up against other disciplines in order to satisfy it. Some days it is easier to deal with than others.

today, it itches.

sometimes it is scratched with the word. A deep scratch that goes beyond the surface. The deep muscles are reached and as good as it can feel, sometimes it actually makes it worse.

sometimes the itch is calmed by iron. The dullness of life can take the edge off. But there are irons in my life that keep me sharp. Some are dear friends that know the map of the land. Some are fellow brethren who are in the trenches. Dealing with the work of spreading the good news. Still others are fellow journeymen whom I see along the narrow way.

sometimes, she calms the anxious twitch.

discussions of faith sometimes relaxes the nerves. Like a cool lotion on a burned scalp, it can soothe the itch. Adding to the discussion can be very rewarding, but most are not willing to be open for true dialogue. Most of us are dogmatic about not being dogmatic. The right dialogue can be soothing. But those are seldom.

The Bride, as twisted as She has become, has been a source of comfort. She is beautiful and current. She will not be made into what She is not. She still has Her Lover's jealous eye.

we all seem to have those things that help us deal with the uneasiness that looms large on the horizon of our journey. If we do not, we are doomed. Restlessness and uneasiness are always croutching at the door. Ready to pounce on our desire to be comfortable and live the typical.

sadly enough, many have turned a blind eye to those feelings and situations for so long, they have become silent and out of the main line of sight.

the mystery that is our God is beyond us, yet so close we can touch. We make less of Him, of His Son, and His Spirit in most discussions we have. The uneasiness and restlessness often comes when we try and see Him for who He is not.

we say this or that, rather than ok. We stand less than in awe and more in the darkness of our own glory. We turn an act of mercy and grace into a self fest.

many of my kind sit comfortably behind a computer screen and type out thoughts and views that compel many to lash out and point the finger of pride and wisdom. We talk about one thing the Bride is not doing, all the while, these things are lacking in our own lives.

we don't love as He does, so we think everyone is that way.
we don't share as He did, so we think every one is that way.
we don't give as we know we should, so we point out that nobody is giving.
we don't read or pray as we should, so we lay that blanket on every one.
we are prideful, full of the world, focusing on gifts rather than the Giver, so every one else is as well.
we seldom are, so everyone else is not.
we troll around looking for opportunities to berate and confront, with not much desire to get to know.
we lash out in ways that show we are deceived and with out discernment.

yet, it is the scratch of forgiveness that makes us all His. No acts of understanding, no works of goodness, no places of acceptance and certainly no sacrifice can be greater than that which has been given to us.

satisfaction can only be found when Mercy gives rest.

an itch will not go away till it is scratched.

Rom 11:33-36
33 Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! 34 For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? 35 Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? 36 For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

5.12.2006

Life together


got an anniversary coming up next week. it is always bitter sweet though. my brother was killed on my brothers anniv and buried on mine. and in the middle...mothers day.

25 years together. 1st 15 were hard years. addiction was the issue. all that mattered was getting high.

I love my wife with all the love Jesus has given me to love another.
there is eternity in her eyes. I love the way she looks at me and smiles. never saw jesus, but I bet sheri looks a lot like him. she sure acts like him.

I like the way she rubs my bald head at night when we are winding down. I love the way she smells.

she has given herself to her kids (still does) in a way that is unselfish and complete. I can only hope they love their children as deeply as she does hers.

I am thankful for being allowed to live with and love such a woman of god.

from eternity past, god chose her. according to scriptsure. from eternity past, god chose me to love her, according to scripture. I know we will not be married in heaven, but I am confident i will look at her and know the wonder that was our life together.

the passion for her is exeeded only by a love for christ. a wild unbridled love that has called me from the deep. a yearning that has caused us to leave everything on several occasions and follow him. for he is a wild lover, and the intimacy i have been allowed to share with him is beyond measure or often times explanation.

he remains in my thoughts and never fails to challenge, push, call, and chastize me on a daily basis. his strong hand of guidance looks different to me than some, but it is he that has shaped me and my thoughts and my desires.

his word comforts me and cuts me. it calls to me and casts me away from my selfishness. he loves me and has on several instances shown me his wrath. I am like peter who longs to be at his feet, but asks that he leave me for fear of what he may require. I am like judas who has betrayed him with word and deed. I am like thomas who is willing to die with him, yet doubts his existance. I am like the woman at the well, spitting out excuses rather than worship. I am the thief on the cross hanging on both sides, asking for deliverance, cursing when it does not happen and seeking a place in paradise. i am the prideful publican in the temple and the wretched sinner calling out in desperate humility. I am the rich young ruler who seeks a pleasant life yet is called to sacrifice.

he is other than. other than my words can do justice. other than earthly. other than explanation. other worldly. other than wonder. other than beauty, yet wonderful to bow before.

he is more than. more than we have been taught. more than a sunday school lesson. more than a sermon. more than a savior. more than a prophet. more than a healer. more than a teacher.

he is all things. he is god. and my love for him comes from a place I cannot find lest he show me the way. it is deep, eternal, full of passion and wonderful to me.

life together.

together with jesus. together with my wife.

oh the depth of riches that belong to our god.

5.11.2006

Space...the final frontier

I used to be a huge star trek fan. funny how kirk got more hair the older he got.

turned 44 the other day. I get more hair on my back the older I get. life is funny, but people are funnier. I used to think that the final frontier was outer space. now I believe it is the space between our ears.

I am amazed at how dogmatic people are. not about scripture, cause most of their beliefs are not based on that. but on feelings, thoughts, and what stuff is not. even the ones who claim orthadoxy is antique thinking, are dogmatic about not being dogmatic.

charismatic folks, or pentecostals where I am from, baptists, presbyterians, methodist, and various other denominational institutions refuse to find common ground on which to stand. so they divide and gather. gather for themselves a hord of folks who stand on the same minuteness as they do.

the space between our ears is filled with so much religous rattle we seldom here from or can react to the nudging of the Spirit to feed a hungry man, call a lonly friend, comfort a homeless woman, pray for an inmate, or read the word. rather than being filled with wisdom and salt, our words bite and scratch from personal hurts that we continually pick at like a scab we will not let heal.

as a man thinks, so he is.

when the space that fills our head is filled with thoughts of better than, rather than other than, we get messages and thoughts that can only divide.

here is the deal.

whetehr or not you agree that you can see jesus, or have him talk to you matters for naught.
whether or not you believe jesus went to india and studied with llamas, is meaningless
whether or not you believe jesus is the only way to salvation does not matter...

what matters is what you do.

what you do is more important than what you believe.

so come on in. all freaks are welcome. but if you aint got the satchel to spread the faith, keep the space under your nose closed, and let the space between your ears be filled with scripture.

I was thinking about what jesus would say to me if he talked directly to me. he would quote scripture.

I was thinking what jesus would tell the llamas. he would tell them to repent, for the kingdom of heaven is here. the same thing he told the jews.

I was thinking about how I have been anti church for some time. well, mostly anti american church. and I realized I am part of the problem. look at how we so maturely handled it. we all left and took our toys to another sand box. great idea. I am glad my grand parents did not do that.

the whole post modern thing still looks like a bunch of dissatisfied white men who are mad at their parents cause they made them go to church. (ewrin mcmanus)

we have grown into a bunch of spiritual sissies who got our feelings hurt cause some preacher told us masterbating to porn was sin, or sleeping with anothers spouse was adultry, or taking stuff home from the office was stealing, or we should not cheat on our taxes. so what we did was get a bunch of folks who had their feelings hurt and had a cry session at the coffee sop over an espresso and talked about how much the church sucks.

then we blame. parents mostly.

truth is, we cheat on our wives, casue we settle for a lover less than Jesus.
we are addicted to porn casue there is no excitement or passion with jesus.
we steal casue we are not satisfied.
we are terrible fathers cause we dont care about anything but us.
our wives leave casue we don't love them
our kids never see us, seldom hear our voice...casue we like it that way.
integrity? only till I get caught.
lust? I am unhappy at home. she doesnot understand me.

it is always something. always something. anything but sin. that would make us sinners. and if we are sinners, we need forgiveness. and if we need forgiveness, then we need God. and if we need God...that means we have been wrong.

john the baptist would laugh at us today. and that makes me sad. paul would cry becasue we have turned a movement into a freaking wimp fest. oh poor me. I hurt, my soul is hurting, I'm broken.

guess what? we all hurt! sin does that

nothing gets me more angry than grown men who whine about lack of passion for life and love, but they refuse to know god or love their wives. so they wimp off into the forrest and find a new car or a boat to fill their pain.

what we may need is a space heater. something so hot it can melt the crap off the walls of our mind. but wait...that is what the holy spirit does.

break us god. from our pride as men. humble us under your mighty hand. to be men of the living God. husbands and fathers of integrity. employees that are honest. and believers who want to change the world.

rise us up from our slumber