1.28.2006

'In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey"

I make her so mad sometimes. I am positive there is no one on this earth that can rouse up such anger in her.

I catch her looking at me sometimes, and I give her a hard time. truth is, I like it when she looks at me.

There is forever in her eyes. a love so deep and beautiful, it has to be Other Than. it is from that deep that she looks. She has been touched and covered in her soul, it bursts through her eyes and her smile like a raging river.

She sings a lot. melodious tunes that rise from the well that is her heart. worship, love songs and just songs that have touched her.

her beauty is a wonder.

her smile moves me.

her touch is gratifying and comforting.

her love is a treasure.

she is graceful and lovely in all her ways.

she is loyal. to Christ 1st, then to me.

she is my conscience, my confidant and my whipping post.

25 years.

in the light of her beauty and love, her anger can get quite interesting. I can piss her off.

making up is awesome.

which leads me back to the monkey thing.

I love you babe.

1.26.2006

A Million Little Pieces?

Had I known people like reading about addiction and recovery, i would have penned my memoirs years ago.

Can it be that people really like reading about addiction that much? can it be that poetic words about stealing from family to buy cocaine and allowing my own children to do without so I could get high be really that interesting? does hurting the ones you love because drugs mean more than they do really sell books?

in what flowing prose can one speak of waking up in your own vomit sound so riveting? How can one express the stench of days with out hygene and the yearning that calls for the loss of everything to get the next sensation and release that comes with the needle and the spoon.

how can stories of 5 day speed binges be so powerful? how can smoking rock and shooting up to the point of overwhelming paranoia be as gripping a atory as to leave millions on the edge of their seat? how is it that days spent in hotel rooms tweeking and freaking be such a story as to warrant a best selling book?

as I looked back on 16 years of drug induced stupors, waking up in places I would not dare go in daylight, theft, depresion, withdrawing from family and society, fear of realizing that conversations I thought I was having with my dead brother were actually happening, looking at evil in the eye and craving the darkness that leads to death...there is one thing that remains...redemption by the grace of Jesus Christ.

There is a darkness that is addiction. there is a pulling towards the pit of hell. there is death in addiction.

there is nothing glamorous about it. Scars remain. scars on the wrist, scars in the soul, scars in the memory.

as an addict, I did the things that addicts do.

as a forgiven child of Jesus, I now do the things that His children do. Thank Him daily, tell others about rescue, walk a little taller, and enjoy the Light.

those who would glamorize and try to embellish what has placed millions away from family, from hope, from any sense of normalcy and untlimately in the grave... can kiss a million pieces of my ass.

1.24.2006

Queer Nation and the Florida Baptist Convention

One of my favorite places to go when i am at the mall is Hot topic.
it is an outlaw store that has become quaint because of the style of clothes and the attitudes of the folks who shop there.

I go there because of the stickers and the t shirts. through the years, I have bought several shirts that have raised an eyebrow or two as I walked the halls of church.

"Monkeys steal my underwear at night"

"People like you are the reason people like me take medication"

"Just a pirate chasing booty"

"It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not" my favorite.

anyway, I saw one the other day that I can't get off my mind.

"Against Gay marriage? then don't marry one"

there has been a blitz here in the state of Fl to get enough petitions signed to get a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Divorce in America is lower outside the church than inside, and all we can focus on is banning gay marriage. Porn is viewed by more Christians than ever before and all we are worried about is whether 2 guys or 2 women can get legally married or not. Homelessness and poverty are at all time highs, but gay marriage is all we can focus on. Baptisms are at the lowest point since the 70's, but we can't let the fags get married! Adultry is rampant, but that is not as bad as lesbians getting married.

I have said this many times in many places...I do not need my government legislating morality to me. I, and most believers know that certain things are considered sin, yet, becasue we are so freaked out by homo's we seldom do anything but denounce such lifestyles from a distance, rather than actually putting feet to the Christlike attitudes we talk about.

news flash all you political slash Baptist folks who think Jesus is republican...

JESUS LOVES QUEERS!

God help us to engage rather than judge people.

I read in the Witness (Florida baptist convention paper) where there were last minute pushes in certain churches to get folks to get the petitons signed so we can stop this grevious problem.

I bet that when this church has evangelism night, or has visitation (for lack of a better word), less than 1% of the membership shows up to go out and share.

We have become what we pint the finger at and despise most...pharasee's.

adding onto and taking away from the most beautiful, the most simple, the most wonderful, the most sacrificing, and the most loving story that is redemption.

How can we, who have been "Rescued from the kingdom of darkness and placed into the kingdom of His beloved Son" be so judgemental toward a certain group?

my heart aches. not because I am better. but because I was in need of a savior becasue of my sin that had seperated me from God. He gave Himself that I may know Him, experience so great a love, and be pursued by the one who created me.

If we turn our backs on these folks, then what chance does the whore have? the theif? the liar? the murderer? the adulterer? The one who has been oppressed? the hopeless?

what about the church member? lostness abounds in the halls of Pharaseemerica institutions.

These are purely my thoughts, and do not represent the thoughts of other freaks in the area.

1.21.2006

Wall of Denial

I often think more of myself than I ought.

Sunday, the lesson is about character.

as I have prepared, not as much time as I should, but any way. we often think of character and wonder whether we have it or not. will we have it when it comes to getting by on the small things? free parking over a paid parking lot...a friend told me he once sold his integrity for a 5.oo parking spot. I sold mine for less.

when no one is around, no one looking...what comes out is what is in.

looking for a place that is ours. a plot of ground we can stand and be recognized, or make a stand, I often look at those who have made leeps beyond the norm into sucess and reward. all the while thinking that it is this I should shoot for. at the root of this is what caused my wilderness wanderings.

the following was sent to me a few months ago. laugh and enjoy, as I was encouraged to do, but in the end...faithful obedience and perserverance to the place we have been sent to serve is what burns character into our being. then we have to wonder no more.

Bird Shit Preacher Boy
April 13, 2003 - 9:10pm

Did I mention that I have another job besides being the pastor of a church? I design and host websites for people. That's my other job.
In my circles we call that being bivocational. For some Christians, bivocational is a nice word for a minister who isn't "successful" enough to have a big church and is forced to take another job to survive.

I'm a very unsuccessful minister by all the popular standards. Spectacularly unsuccessful, as a matter of fact. Our church has grown from 17 families to 34 families in the ten years that I've been pastor.

That's not considered fast growth for churches down here in Texas. The Branch Davidian church in Waco <
http://www.religioustolerance.org/dc_branc1.htm> grew faster than ours, and you had to quit having sex with your spouse before you could join them. What's up with that?
I might write a book for ministers. If I do I'll call it, "How to Add 17 Families to Your Church in Only Ten Years of Busting Ass."

You see, we were already into the whole "church thing" before we discovered that all the stuff you have to do if you want your church to grow is exactly all the stuff we hate most in this world. We decided we didn't have to do anything we hated as long as we didn't mind being small and not having much money.

All things considered, it's a pretty good tradeoff. I say "pretty" good because I DO have to have this whole other job, and I drive an old car that's always covered in bird shit.
I admit the bird shit comes from having trees over our driveway and not from having two jobs and a small church. I gotta tell you though, watching my wipers smear through bird droppings while I rush from one job to the other tends to make me feel worse about everything.
At first I thought of myself as a pastor who designed websites on the side. After awhile I began thinking of myself as a web designer who did a little preaching on the side.
Now I think of myself as a guy in a shitty car, doing what he can to get by in this crazy world.
I think this is the price of doing church in ways that are meaningful to us. It's not everyone's way, but it is our way.

So call me Bird Shit Preacher Boy. That's who I am.
The Preacher

1.13.2006

What freedom looks like


A few months ago, my grandson and his parents came for a visit. I love my son and his wife. but when they come...big Jack has the run of the house.

they have a rule at their home that states...DO NOT PLAY WITH THE REMOTE! it is a good rule. one that keeps the remote from being broken and lost. but this day, he was with pop pop. and when he is with pop pop, some rules do not apply.

on this particulat morning, we were up early and playing around on the couch when he saw it. his eyes grew bright and wide as he saw it. he pointed at it and said "noooo." I grabbed it and handed it to him and he looked as if I had given him the moon. a mischevious grin came on his face as he took it from my hand. he pushed the buttons, looked lovingly and just enjoyed the fact he now had the power to turn on the tv. he leaned back against me and seemed to really enjoy the moment.

it was a memorable moment. we laughed together, marvled at the wonder of such a magnificent peice of technology.

he knew he was in uncharted waters. not sure how to handle the freedom of such power, we kept giving it back and forth to each other. he smiled and a deep sense of saftey surrounded him. it was like he knew he could get away with stuff when I was around.

then it happened. busted. mom comes in and he freaks out. knowing she would be upset, he offers the remote to her as apiece offering and looks back at me as if to say..."hey mommy, I know I am not supposed to have this, but pop pop gave it to me and we were having fun and he loves me and and and here, please take this and please do not pop my hand.

of course, it was me who was in trouble. it was the first time, and I am certain it will not be the last, my little man gets more freedom when he is with me.

much has been written about Christian freedom. extremes are to be found very easily at most Christian book stores. so this is not an attempt to nulify or reconcile what others have written.

I used to think freedom meant we were free to do what ever. and in a sense, we are. but somewhere along the journey, we missed the joy of sitting on the lap of Jesus and just knowing that there was safety and freedom there.

sometimes freedom looks a lot like the world. then I ask, what does the world look like? are there lines we should not cross? yes. but the mind set is so different. it then becomes a matter of not what I can do, but what do I want to do. not don't touch, don't eat, don't drink...but how can i honor God with this action. not simply I have the freedom to do this so I am gonna do it.

freedom also having the option not to do.

holiness means more now than it used to. but holiness is not the same as having a stick placed in certain areas either. if we cannot enjoy holiness and be excited about a life of holiness...take my name off the list.

if all we have to look forward to is the end then kill me now.

for the first time in a long time, I am experiencing life. what ever it brings, I want it. to feel deeply, cry with joy, be angry and sit in solitude. try things, go places, enjoy the moment and know He is there, watching, caring for, looking out for. daring us to enjoy life and all it has to offer.

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Paul

we have become so afraid of fear, we seldom try anything new, taste anything new, go any place new or admit our own lack of adventure.

it is like we all put on wussy sweaters and left the primal at the front door of the church.

pick up the remote for crying out loud. Jesus has got your back. enjoy that. live!

be alive! be free!

if all we have as believers is a meeting to go to, then what is the point? (thought taken from my Pastor)

what sets us apart?

should it not be the desire to live a full and more than life?

go ahead...pick it up. I won't tell.

1.12.2006

Mirror Mirror on the wall















Took a good long look in the mirror today. getting grayer. still can't decide if I want to shave my head again. but, most fat guys with goatees look alike. I kinda liked it though. made me look mean and intimidating.

I have actually had some one ask me for an autograph. they thought I was Bart from Mercy Me. that was cool...for a while. we went to a college deal and they led worship. every one looked at me weird all week.

I have spent a lot of time trying to be someone that others would have me be. a kinder gentler more compassionate person. I try at these things, and sometimes, as the Spirit moves, it happens. but most of the time, I am just me. loud, boistrus, funny and honestly blunt. it rubs some folks the wrong way. and sometimes i am sorry for that. other times, I am not.

I am of the mind that churches ought to be what they are created to be. some folks do not like that. I think we baby christian teens. some folks don't like that. I think we ought to be held accountable if we gossip...in front of the same audience we flapped our gums to. some folks dont think that. after all, what we really need is a community of believers who are not accountable or responsible for their actions.

people seldom act themselves in all situations. we get uptite around some folks, freak out in certain situations, kiss major booty in various situations, mean in others.

our kids know us in one way. their friends know us in another.


being comfortable in my skin is where I am. big, a bit too heavy, mouthy and passionate. but I dig it that I am who I am. If I could be I would not desire to be anyone else. Would not trade my life for another, would not change anything.

Pain often causes us to be different. heart pain can do that. lonliness can do that. unrealized expectations and hurt feelings.

as a minister at a couple of large churches, I realized most people would only allow me to deal with the facade they brought with them to church. not many folks let you see them for who they really are. sometimes it was pride, other times it was shame. either was sad.

in a world that pulls us to wear this, live here, drive that, eat here, smell like this, act this way...it is ever so important that we as believers know and understand who we are.

"I have been crucified in Christ. Yet, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in Him who loved me and gave Himself for me." Paul

So, I actually look like Jesus. bet you were'nt expecting that huh?

There is enough pain to have to be someone we are not. there is enough pride outside the church for us to be caught up in it. there is enough status every where we look for us to be worried about our standing in the country club.

People are hungry, lonly, hurting and in need of hope.

if we cannot give them that which we have...Jesus...then we more than all are to be pitied among men.

Someone falls to pieces Sleepin all aloneSomeone kills the pain
Spinning in the silenceTo finally drift away
Someone gets excitedIn a chapel yardCatches a bouquet
Another lays a dozenWhite roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only fame
Someone tries to hide themselfDown inside their selfish brain
Someone swears his true loveUntill the end of time
Another runs awaySeparate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

You can be fading upAnd pulled apart
Or been in loveEvery single memory of
Could have been faces of love
Dont lose any asleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win love
But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Audioslave

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

1.10.2006

Primal Scream


Downloading from the events that took place over the holiday season has me a bit disillusioned, and at the same time memories of my family roots bring a smile to my face.

we went for the red neck deal for Christmas. Mississippi all the way. Red clay roads, directions that involved EST paved to the right, second dirt road to the left kinda deal.

I am proud of my heritage. proud to know my family. saw some folks I had not seen in 7 - years, and we picked up where we left off.

I do find that the tempo of my voice seems to slow down about 3 beats, but there was a relaction that was beautiful. as beautiful and innocent as a Chrisistmas morn.

best visit home in many years.

neither of our kids were with us for the first time. did not like how that came about.

but so leaves the dsisluionment.

I hear the word drama alot lately. when some thing other than normal come into life. extra stuff that seems to catch us off guard. we even have those who we can count on constantly for the blessing of drama. we know when we wee these folks...Drama follows.

different view...Drama is as much as part of life as anything we do...Like socks ans shoes,, waiting in line at the bank, getting cut off in traffic. A loved one being beat on by a spouse, an unmet expectation of a child, death, hurt, pain, frustration.

we look at it as extra. So we use words like drama to make it sound worse than what ITT really is.
it is just life. Daily life in people we know. About 1 inch below the surface of most people we know are hurting, sad, lonely, broke, sex before marriage, extra sex after marriage, marriages falling apart, drugs and drinking....All this is in the chore.

this is not drama. This is life.

where do we go to deal with this life? Some pray gently, although meaningfully for god to change the situation based either on their willingness to follow Him and be obededient. Truth is, our obedience no more causes God to show more affection toward us just for being obedient. That is what we are supposed to do. Be obedient.

where do we then go to deal with all this life we are daily confronted with? Who would Jesus have us deal with the pain in the world?

Scream! Scream for mercy and grace for the father. For with out our daily realizing with out His grace and mercy, we are helpless and useless. All we have to hang on to is His promises.
Seeking first the kingdom keeps us line up with the flowing blessings and mercy, not cause we have done anything to merit favor, for the opposite is true. But because in sin and obedience, all we have is grace and mecry.

we cannot face another to minister grace to unless we know that grace. The fruit of the spirit must be used fresh as rthey are picked from the vine, they cannot be used a jam in the fridge to pull out as we need.

face it. We all have drama in our life. Unexpected realities with kids, career, church, just to name a few.

but when the stuff gets to deep... I SCREAM. A PRIMAL SCREAM that comes in from the depths of my soul. One that shakes the stuff off the wall inmy mind, one that hocks up the flem of typical.

I choose to scream. He is all I got I can rely on. the only one who love me in sin and infake obedience with the wrong motives, and in the scams and games I want to play so I can get back in ministry. He is all I have .

maybe I'll hear you sometime