I have been living under the guilt and heaviness of being an an American and the disaster in Asia.there is an aching in my bones over the realization of the world.
rarely have I realized the extent of our Americanism as I have listened to folks talk about the devestation. "poor folks, so, what are you guys doing for New Year's Eve?"
God that you would help us see past ourselves and our plenty to see the real world.
God bless America? what ever
12.27.2004
12.23.2004
crackheads and Christmas
I find myself trying to recapture a little of the old Christmas majic that used to overcome me as a kid. Not having much luck. Fact is, I am not sure what purpose it would accomplish. I am selfish enough as it is.
What I am realizing is this. After 16 years as a junkie, 10 years a a youth minister, (still can't seem to figure out when I was treated worse...as a druggie or a youth minister) Christmas is more about reflection than anything. Finances are non existent this year, so pondering the meaning is not just a basic "christianized event" that it had come to be. Gifts are great, but I never seem to give or get something that will last the ages and be as precious then as it is now.
Death has been a topic of thought lately. Jesus was born to die. He expects me to die. Not a whole lot of giddiness with that whole deal. But, death brings life. And for the first time, as I ponder this wondrous event, I have less and am more content than ever. Funny how that works out.
My wife of 24 years is truly the gift that keeps on giving. My kids are blessings. Although I am a bit over weight, the health issue is OK. The opportunity to begin a new work with a raw attitude is something I have given my life for. I could not say that before. Ministry was a job and a career, now it is a passion.
So. As a former crackhead still searching for the ultimate feel good high...I can honestly say I have been filled, satisfied and set free. The scars are there, in plain sight. I limp, but can still walk...If He holds my hand.
Thanks Jesus. For birth, death, and life.
New Wine anyone? Lift your glass to the One who died and is alive again, sitting at the right hand of the Father! Merry Christmas!
What I am realizing is this. After 16 years as a junkie, 10 years a a youth minister, (still can't seem to figure out when I was treated worse...as a druggie or a youth minister) Christmas is more about reflection than anything. Finances are non existent this year, so pondering the meaning is not just a basic "christianized event" that it had come to be. Gifts are great, but I never seem to give or get something that will last the ages and be as precious then as it is now.
Death has been a topic of thought lately. Jesus was born to die. He expects me to die. Not a whole lot of giddiness with that whole deal. But, death brings life. And for the first time, as I ponder this wondrous event, I have less and am more content than ever. Funny how that works out.
My wife of 24 years is truly the gift that keeps on giving. My kids are blessings. Although I am a bit over weight, the health issue is OK. The opportunity to begin a new work with a raw attitude is something I have given my life for. I could not say that before. Ministry was a job and a career, now it is a passion.
So. As a former crackhead still searching for the ultimate feel good high...I can honestly say I have been filled, satisfied and set free. The scars are there, in plain sight. I limp, but can still walk...If He holds my hand.
Thanks Jesus. For birth, death, and life.
New Wine anyone? Lift your glass to the One who died and is alive again, sitting at the right hand of the Father! Merry Christmas!
12.22.2004
Mamma's Boy
My son and his family has been with us for a few days. We spent some time with my mother this past week end. I watched my mother with my grandson (being only 42, that sounds weird) and I realized why I love my mother so much. I was a good kid, but turned into somewhat of a criminal later on. But she always loved me, never turned away from me. Watching her with Jackson was amazing.
as I thought on, my son turned out a lot like me. His mother loved him through some pretty rough times as well. Now, he has a family and his wife is loving his son the same way. There is nothing quite like the love of your mother.
funny things about babies and Christians. As a 6 month old, Jackson is completely dependent on others for every need. Food, clothing, diaper changes. We make faces at him trying to get him to laugh. I look like an idiot sometimes, but I love him with a passion. A laugh or a smile from a little one is amazing.
at some point in my walk with Jesus, I began to try and retake some things I had depended on Him for. Just like my grandson will do, I wanted to "do it myself." in doing so, I have lost that dependence I had really wanted so much. As Jesus takes me through the process of total submission and total dependence (again) I can see the love in His eyes and feel the tenderness of His touch as He picks me up as I fall...Again. He is so amazing.
the simplicity of a relationship with our great God is beyond me sometimes. Yet, as I watch my grandson it is not so hard to understand. The innocence of a child needs to be remembered, sought after, desired. Theology is awesome, I love to study and learn more of scripture and grow in knowledge of Jesus. But I find that when we try to grow up in ways we are not ready for, we loose the innocence.
resting in the wonder that is our God.
as I thought on, my son turned out a lot like me. His mother loved him through some pretty rough times as well. Now, he has a family and his wife is loving his son the same way. There is nothing quite like the love of your mother.
funny things about babies and Christians. As a 6 month old, Jackson is completely dependent on others for every need. Food, clothing, diaper changes. We make faces at him trying to get him to laugh. I look like an idiot sometimes, but I love him with a passion. A laugh or a smile from a little one is amazing.
at some point in my walk with Jesus, I began to try and retake some things I had depended on Him for. Just like my grandson will do, I wanted to "do it myself." in doing so, I have lost that dependence I had really wanted so much. As Jesus takes me through the process of total submission and total dependence (again) I can see the love in His eyes and feel the tenderness of His touch as He picks me up as I fall...Again. He is so amazing.
the simplicity of a relationship with our great God is beyond me sometimes. Yet, as I watch my grandson it is not so hard to understand. The innocence of a child needs to be remembered, sought after, desired. Theology is awesome, I love to study and learn more of scripture and grow in knowledge of Jesus. But I find that when we try to grow up in ways we are not ready for, we loose the innocence.
resting in the wonder that is our God.
12.21.2004
Traffic and the glory of God
I am at my worst when I drive, or my most vulnerable. No patience for bad driving. So when I got into a little altercation with someone yesterday, it was no surprise. All the stuff that had been boiling up in me over the last few days was looking for an escape. I was more than wiling to provide that pressure release.
after a few words and a smart ass "have a great day" remark, I left feeling that I was on my way to letting go of some of the baggage I had been carrying around. But as it usually goes I received more than I had wanted.
I felt sick to my stomach. It felt like I had quit smoking all over again, craved a cigarette after 15 years, and smoked one...Full inhale and all. The taste in my mouth was vile, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was not as intoxicating as it used to be. Confrontation was once my return to rage, the remembrance of marking my territory, being a man, showing that I can still give out fear and in return get respect.
I realized as I continued to drive, I was not that person anymore. What was once a ticking bomb looking for an excuse to go off on anyone, was now a servant of the most high God. Although it did not seem so a few min before, I was different.
the tyrant that is me rises up from time to time, looking to return to the throne he had so faithfully sat in for so many years. Sneaking around looking for the opportunity to raise his head, to take over, to reign once again. He is not dead. Because I have not killed him. He stays around because I feed him. I feed him just enough to keep him alive.
Jesus reminds me daily that He is running the show now. I have heard it said "Jesus is a gentleman, He will not take over your life, you must submit it to Him." I guess to a point, that is true. But the Jesus I have come to know recently does not fit that white collar, mamby pamby, no confronting Jesus that I have heard about. He has kicked the door down to my life, come in and changed everything. I have tried to wrestle with Him, but leave limping each time. "I believe, help my unbelief."
as the holidays approach, I realize birth is the first step to death. For me, my wife, my kids, and my grandkids. We are all closer to death. Each day we grow closer to death. Never has there been so much a need for death at the holidays.
Long Live the King!
after a few words and a smart ass "have a great day" remark, I left feeling that I was on my way to letting go of some of the baggage I had been carrying around. But as it usually goes I received more than I had wanted.
I felt sick to my stomach. It felt like I had quit smoking all over again, craved a cigarette after 15 years, and smoked one...Full inhale and all. The taste in my mouth was vile, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was not as intoxicating as it used to be. Confrontation was once my return to rage, the remembrance of marking my territory, being a man, showing that I can still give out fear and in return get respect.
I realized as I continued to drive, I was not that person anymore. What was once a ticking bomb looking for an excuse to go off on anyone, was now a servant of the most high God. Although it did not seem so a few min before, I was different.
the tyrant that is me rises up from time to time, looking to return to the throne he had so faithfully sat in for so many years. Sneaking around looking for the opportunity to raise his head, to take over, to reign once again. He is not dead. Because I have not killed him. He stays around because I feed him. I feed him just enough to keep him alive.
Jesus reminds me daily that He is running the show now. I have heard it said "Jesus is a gentleman, He will not take over your life, you must submit it to Him." I guess to a point, that is true. But the Jesus I have come to know recently does not fit that white collar, mamby pamby, no confronting Jesus that I have heard about. He has kicked the door down to my life, come in and changed everything. I have tried to wrestle with Him, but leave limping each time. "I believe, help my unbelief."
as the holidays approach, I realize birth is the first step to death. For me, my wife, my kids, and my grandkids. We are all closer to death. Each day we grow closer to death. Never has there been so much a need for death at the holidays.
Long Live the King!
12.15.2004
Darkness Abounds
discouragement has covered me like a heavy blanket. sometimes the heaviness of it is suffocating.
prayer seems like bricks falling from my mouth building walls of seperation between me and my Love. longing for His touch and embrace.
emotion is a very dangerous lover. she prods and pokes at goodness and happiness to draw me in to her trap. all at once she turns on me like an enemy crouching at the door.
Tozer calls this the "dark night of the soul." funny how these times drain me from all joy and contentment. the situation looms large, but is not that big. rest and patience are words of direction but...we all know that word...but.
In my seemingly state of desperation I call out to the Deliverer. seeking once again to be rescued from self.
today, I would lay my self on the Altar and be consumed by Jesus, ro be completely and consumed by my God. may all that remains is a desire to die again. die to self.
Death to the tyrant! Long live the King.
prayer seems like bricks falling from my mouth building walls of seperation between me and my Love. longing for His touch and embrace.
emotion is a very dangerous lover. she prods and pokes at goodness and happiness to draw me in to her trap. all at once she turns on me like an enemy crouching at the door.
Tozer calls this the "dark night of the soul." funny how these times drain me from all joy and contentment. the situation looms large, but is not that big. rest and patience are words of direction but...we all know that word...but.
In my seemingly state of desperation I call out to the Deliverer. seeking once again to be rescued from self.
today, I would lay my self on the Altar and be consumed by Jesus, ro be completely and consumed by my God. may all that remains is a desire to die again. die to self.
Death to the tyrant! Long live the King.
12.14.2004
Well drinks...2 for 1
Well drinks...2 for 1
discovery is an awesome thing. we seldom get excited about the uncovering of a truth long hidden by the veil of self righteousness. I find myself drinking much at the well today. Jesus has fixed my buckett that I may draw from the refreshing spring that is His word.
The Primal Jesus I am seeing is much different than the one I had created for myself. the Warrior and the King. the Lion and the Lamb. both mighty, both gentle. all loving and all glorious. I am learning to love this Jesus with more passion and fervor. it is personal now.
but through the joy of discovery comes the pain of realization. the realization of misrepresentation of who He really is. for years as a so called "youth minister" I helped to perpetuate the myth that has become the American dream. meaning that we have got it in our minds that Jesus love America more than say Sudan. after all, we are blessed, they are not. and really, 9/11 was simply a day when God withdrew His hand of protection from us cause we are flirting with other gods.
BULL CRAP!
The very fact that Jesus spent more time with the poor and dejected of society and less time with the religious must be a hint for us. the fact that we have built huge castles for our worship and gathered unto ourselves lands and furnishings as a sign of Gods blessings shows us one thing...we have come to believe that we are Gods favorite. as one bumper sticker read..."Jesus loves you, but I am His favorite."
we have become drunk with our own piety and sucess. and we are misrepresenting God in the process. Mission endevors become little more than attempts to offer to God our good works rather than show People who Jesus is.
"The Church is a whore and it is my mother." St. Augustine
with all her problems and shortcomings she is my mother. and my heart breaks when she runs off after the next pretty smile, the next political thought, the next program, the next compromise, the next what ever.
Oh that we would be faithful unto He that has saved us
discovery is an awesome thing. we seldom get excited about the uncovering of a truth long hidden by the veil of self righteousness. I find myself drinking much at the well today. Jesus has fixed my buckett that I may draw from the refreshing spring that is His word.
The Primal Jesus I am seeing is much different than the one I had created for myself. the Warrior and the King. the Lion and the Lamb. both mighty, both gentle. all loving and all glorious. I am learning to love this Jesus with more passion and fervor. it is personal now.
but through the joy of discovery comes the pain of realization. the realization of misrepresentation of who He really is. for years as a so called "youth minister" I helped to perpetuate the myth that has become the American dream. meaning that we have got it in our minds that Jesus love America more than say Sudan. after all, we are blessed, they are not. and really, 9/11 was simply a day when God withdrew His hand of protection from us cause we are flirting with other gods.
BULL CRAP!
The very fact that Jesus spent more time with the poor and dejected of society and less time with the religious must be a hint for us. the fact that we have built huge castles for our worship and gathered unto ourselves lands and furnishings as a sign of Gods blessings shows us one thing...we have come to believe that we are Gods favorite. as one bumper sticker read..."Jesus loves you, but I am His favorite."
we have become drunk with our own piety and sucess. and we are misrepresenting God in the process. Mission endevors become little more than attempts to offer to God our good works rather than show People who Jesus is.
"The Church is a whore and it is my mother." St. Augustine
with all her problems and shortcomings she is my mother. and my heart breaks when she runs off after the next pretty smile, the next political thought, the next program, the next compromise, the next what ever.
Oh that we would be faithful unto He that has saved us
12.13.2004
What If?
What if?
Returning to the Primal has not been easy. Decompressing after years of religious education and life can be a daunting task. It is always been easy just to coast. But when you coast, you find out if all your wheels are aligned. When I allow my Jeep to coast, there is an ever so slight pull to the right. I can switch lanes slowly just by taking my hands off the wheel.
Being in the drivers seat of a new start is scary enough, especially when you realize that if we begin to coast, we return to that which we have always done or known. Some one asked me earlier today “what makes us different?” after thinking through that and not being able to come up with a ground shaking answer, I realized something. I have no gimmick to push to the masses.
No tricks, no dog and pony show, no magic potent. What I bring to the table is not as opulent as others. It is not worthy of notice and will never make the front page of Churches are us. I am certainly not swell to look at, my words are not worthy of more than this blog, and the truth is, I am a little more than freaked out by this whole deal. Nothing in me is capable of leading a spelling bee much less, a church.
As my Father whispered in my ear, He reminded me what He is looking for. Not a fresh new dynamic speaker that will woo thousands into submission to following Jesus. There are plenty of those. Not some one whose oratory can mystify. Not an eloquent man who knows folks and can get things done. “Remember”, I hear…”what I desire is obedience”
So as we return to the Primal, all I bring to the gig is submission. A willingness to do what He says do, when He says do it, and a desire to follow.
The desire to latch on to that one thing that sets us apart is what gets us in trouble. Big church, big organ, big music ministry, big youth group, big children’s ministry. Exciting senior adult ministry. These things are what most churches sell as their deal. The bait that gets you there.
I have been in several churches…worked in 2 very large churches. What I have seen is they specialize in one thing and struggle with the rest. All the while folks leave because they are missing something. They never find what they are looking for, cause we mostly fail to look where the problem is…with in.
Fresh obedience is key to reclaiming the purpose of the church. We are so full of religious stuff and formulas that we cannot see that we need to deal with our inability to be obedient. We have filled the church with so much unneeded furniture and programs so people will stay and give, we miss the original point. Change the world.
We have gotten so bogged down in throwing rocks at Homosexuals and abortionists that love has become a sort of currency we use to make our selves feel like we are accomplishing something. But we have missed it.
What if…we missed it completely? Can we change? Can we restore the Primal love? Can we become once again what we were intended? Can we overcome so many years of us against them mentality?
Yep…He can
Returning to the Primal has not been easy. Decompressing after years of religious education and life can be a daunting task. It is always been easy just to coast. But when you coast, you find out if all your wheels are aligned. When I allow my Jeep to coast, there is an ever so slight pull to the right. I can switch lanes slowly just by taking my hands off the wheel.
Being in the drivers seat of a new start is scary enough, especially when you realize that if we begin to coast, we return to that which we have always done or known. Some one asked me earlier today “what makes us different?” after thinking through that and not being able to come up with a ground shaking answer, I realized something. I have no gimmick to push to the masses.
No tricks, no dog and pony show, no magic potent. What I bring to the table is not as opulent as others. It is not worthy of notice and will never make the front page of Churches are us. I am certainly not swell to look at, my words are not worthy of more than this blog, and the truth is, I am a little more than freaked out by this whole deal. Nothing in me is capable of leading a spelling bee much less, a church.
As my Father whispered in my ear, He reminded me what He is looking for. Not a fresh new dynamic speaker that will woo thousands into submission to following Jesus. There are plenty of those. Not some one whose oratory can mystify. Not an eloquent man who knows folks and can get things done. “Remember”, I hear…”what I desire is obedience”
So as we return to the Primal, all I bring to the gig is submission. A willingness to do what He says do, when He says do it, and a desire to follow.
The desire to latch on to that one thing that sets us apart is what gets us in trouble. Big church, big organ, big music ministry, big youth group, big children’s ministry. Exciting senior adult ministry. These things are what most churches sell as their deal. The bait that gets you there.
I have been in several churches…worked in 2 very large churches. What I have seen is they specialize in one thing and struggle with the rest. All the while folks leave because they are missing something. They never find what they are looking for, cause we mostly fail to look where the problem is…with in.
Fresh obedience is key to reclaiming the purpose of the church. We are so full of religious stuff and formulas that we cannot see that we need to deal with our inability to be obedient. We have filled the church with so much unneeded furniture and programs so people will stay and give, we miss the original point. Change the world.
We have gotten so bogged down in throwing rocks at Homosexuals and abortionists that love has become a sort of currency we use to make our selves feel like we are accomplishing something. But we have missed it.
What if…we missed it completely? Can we change? Can we restore the Primal love? Can we become once again what we were intended? Can we overcome so many years of us against them mentality?
Yep…He can
12.10.2004
when it hits the fan
a funny thing happens when we ask God to become the absolute focus of our lives. He begins to prune, remove, kill, and take away all those things we have come to lean on for support, security and acceptance. some would take this to be a bad thing...but if the ultimate desire is complete intamacy with Jesus, complete trust in His provision, communion with the Father...then bring it!
Imago Dei is the name of our new Church. Image of God. I dig that. having been created in His image, it is vital that we begin to display that image through love and good deeds.
3 months ago, we started meeting in homes for Bible study. we commited to remove our religious glasses that we had worn for most of our lives and look fresh at scripture and see it possibly for the first time. what we learned and saw was not the idealistic church we hear so much about from our modern pulpits, but a raw get your hands dirty church that was full of difficulty from almost day one. God actually killed a few folks in the begining. that should mess us up.
prayer became a sweet time of communion, with each other, but especially with God. real. honest. sincere. these words flowed and these actions drew us closer.
begining in Jan, we will begin to meet in a place to worship with music. a free place...provided by God. pretty cool how it all happened. as we began to grow closer to each other, as our community began to look forward to seeing each other, we realized something was missing...worship through music. w long to worship toether, to come before Him as a community, as a family.
the question is thie..."can we begin a church, use ancient principles, reflect who God truly is, minister to modern people and a modern society and maintain biblical integrty?" most would say that that is already happening. and it is...in some places. but our country is full of "white wash" churches who look good on the outside and are full of programs and "other" focised on the inside.
there is a rumbeling moving across our land today. people are screaming for real, raw, honest relationships...real honest churh...and most of all for something greater than what they have been given. people want the God of the bible. notthe god of society who is akin to a cosmological santa who is at our beckon call, dishing out wealth, good looks, and sucess on all fronts.
no one wants to admit they struggle in our churches, especially amoung the staff. people want to know that the process is ok. to long have we given formulas and steps to be happy wealthy and wise...IN THE CHURCH!!!
join us in this Primal Experiment. join us as we seek to return to reality and not fantasy. Join us as we seek to make much of God.
we exist to make much of God...He does not exist to make much of us...
Imago Dei is the name of our new Church. Image of God. I dig that. having been created in His image, it is vital that we begin to display that image through love and good deeds.
3 months ago, we started meeting in homes for Bible study. we commited to remove our religious glasses that we had worn for most of our lives and look fresh at scripture and see it possibly for the first time. what we learned and saw was not the idealistic church we hear so much about from our modern pulpits, but a raw get your hands dirty church that was full of difficulty from almost day one. God actually killed a few folks in the begining. that should mess us up.
prayer became a sweet time of communion, with each other, but especially with God. real. honest. sincere. these words flowed and these actions drew us closer.
begining in Jan, we will begin to meet in a place to worship with music. a free place...provided by God. pretty cool how it all happened. as we began to grow closer to each other, as our community began to look forward to seeing each other, we realized something was missing...worship through music. w long to worship toether, to come before Him as a community, as a family.
the question is thie..."can we begin a church, use ancient principles, reflect who God truly is, minister to modern people and a modern society and maintain biblical integrty?" most would say that that is already happening. and it is...in some places. but our country is full of "white wash" churches who look good on the outside and are full of programs and "other" focised on the inside.
there is a rumbeling moving across our land today. people are screaming for real, raw, honest relationships...real honest churh...and most of all for something greater than what they have been given. people want the God of the bible. notthe god of society who is akin to a cosmological santa who is at our beckon call, dishing out wealth, good looks, and sucess on all fronts.
no one wants to admit they struggle in our churches, especially amoung the staff. people want to know that the process is ok. to long have we given formulas and steps to be happy wealthy and wise...IN THE CHURCH!!!
join us in this Primal Experiment. join us as we seek to return to reality and not fantasy. Join us as we seek to make much of God.
we exist to make much of God...He does not exist to make much of us...
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