1.30.2007

12 hours in the ER



it seems as i grow older, along with becoming just a bit more wise, my body seems to be breaking down more and more.

yesterday was the culmination of 3 days of agonizing pain in my gut. it seems that there are things that i cannot eat. and if I do, my body rails me with gut wrenching pain that reminds me not to do so.

I spent 12 hours in the ER at our local Hospital. this place, along with the DMV are just 2 places where MOST, not all, but most people are on level ground. helpless and waiting. waiting to be next.

we are not sure what lies on the other side of the double doors, but it is one step closer to a solution to tormenting pain and frustration. we all believe that because through out the day, those who were blessed to have gone in before us returned. returned with paper in hand and a sense of accomplishment on their face. still hurting in some cases, but more able to weather what remained. they knew.

people came in all day. chest pains gets to to the front of the line. I wish my chest were hurting. people who were confused, old folks not sure why they were there, who those who were with them, babies crying, and people like me.

we all wanted one thing. relief.

one couple came in. the wife was in severe pain. she was weeping. after the triage, she and her young husband joined us in the bull pen. she tried to maintain but was unable to. her husband tried to get the nurse to expedite her. she hurt so bad and there was nothing he could do. so many people. she cried. sobbed.

after an hour, they left. seeking help from somewhere with less people. hope she is ok.

turns out that it was a record day in the ER. had to turn people to another hospital.

so many people, so much pain, so much waiting.

while I waited, my Father did some needed surgery on my heart. have been given a week to deal with some issues. part of the overall pruning I have been in need of. and asked for. I want more than anything to know Him. really know Him. and everything that comes with that thought. desire often comes with the unwelcome question..."how serious are you?"

I struggle with that more than ever. of course I am serious. look at all I have given up to follow you. look at all i have done. "oh yea, I remember your life before Me. remind me again, weren't you an addict, a thief, a liar, a swindler, and a self indulgent fool?"

"yes"

"so again. this time with your soul. how serious are you?"

"completely."

while I waited for relief from the stabbing pain in my gut, He dealt severely with me in ways I had taken for granted. simple looks into culture that my eyes need not roam. the ease at which i had become comfortable with certain movies I tend to call personal areas. freedom to watch my favorite genre because I am a mature believer. I always wanted to be a wise guy. even from a kid. sadly, i have become way to wrapped up in entertainment of the eyes. forgetting the images that burn into the mind. it has always been difficult to justify, but i have done it.

"be holy even as I am holy"

it is funny. freedom always tends to look more like bondage when we make excuses for it.

surgery complete and I still got 10 more hours to go

1.17.2007

American idiot

as has been the habit of my home the last 2 years, we began las evening with the anticipation of yet a new season of American Idol.

it has been fun in the past. fun watching folks with talent get a shot, and deep inside, fun watching people who are delusional come to hear truth about their lack of talent.

but I fear I may have lost a portion of my intelligence over the last nights.

as Americans, we have become so full of self desires for fame and fortune that we have whored ourselves out for the price of 2 min of retardation.

I can't help but think that we do the same in our houses of worship.

we go each week thinking one way but being seen as another.

we hide our true selves with veils that cannot keep His roaming eye from peering in.

I troll the blogosphere looking for a nugget to nibble on...yet am quick to go simon on self diluted believers who have not a clue of a holy God nor a sacrificial life...much less a heritical faith.

I laugh at those who are self medicating on the mirror each day.

yet, tonight I stood in front of 70 students and spoke passionately about living an inspired life.

the world auditions for me each day and I pass judgement on their worth.

I am not sure who is more diluted.

me for my arrogance...

or those who I watched on TV tonight.

1.04.2007

"You don't know Me like that..."

My mind is begining to hunger for something more than the trivial lip service about culture and making people feel good about their sin.

I picked up A.W.Pinks "Attribute of God" this morning.

right off the bat I realized this is where the hunger would be met. a simple, reminder of thoughts gone by and a deep longing for Holy.

"Aquaint now thyself with Him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee." Job 22:21

I read somewhere yesterday about one who had a moment with the father. a moment that turned into moments. I read and became envious. got busy with stuff and it slipped into memory.

this morning after time in the Word, standing in the shower I remembered that moment.
"Lord, I want that spontanious love for you that flows from my soul at un expected times in the day."

"You don't know me like that..."

as my heart stopped and I struggled for a breath...silence...then...

"but you can."

tears flooded my eyes.

not that I had not known this, but reality often has a way of taking our breath.

Jer 9:23-24
23 Thus says the LORD, " Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.

I spend much time throwing rocks. hell, I figure that i deserve to be able to throw em. they have been thrown at me. mostly at the bride, more at people who claim to run the bride.

I am done with that.

I reslove to know Him.


Phil 3:7-11
7 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, 9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; 11 in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

like that...


like that.