the year of my discontent

have not written much as of late. not that i have a following, but it helps me to lay it out.

today is a year since i began this journey. not one situation has turned into what i had hoped for. nothing. but then again, all i had to go on was the idea, the vision, the passion. some say timing is key, others say location. me? all i know it this. every part of my life has been poked into, prodded, kicked, cut, stretched and beaten. i got scars from battles, battles i was not expecting to have to fight. but fight we did. and survival was not just taken for granted, darkness covered so thick at times, i could taste it, touch it. it was heavy, and it seemed i would be lost there. wandering around, feeling for a way out.

i was present at every attack, every attempt, and every fall. i can say now, that although it was difficult, it was good. although it hurt, at least i can feel it. although i wept, at least i had tears. i never really understood his presence till i wondered if he was there. he was. just quiet.

the year has been difficult. i found peace in being allowed to serve. given to me i think as a way to keep what little bit of sanity that remains.

visions of grandeur and wonder. over thought and over played...as usual.

as i look back on the years events, rather than chaos, i find purpose. i was told that once. "i need you to find purpose in this." i have. it mattered.

can't really say what happened for the clouds and fog to clear. i lost some things, issues, attitudes, friends, part of myself along the way. seems to be part of the purpose. i found a trueness inside a team of guys, a fear of loss, an understanding of my own arrogance, a loving community, an acceptance and honesty.

we have always been willing to be used and go anywhere for the one we serve. but this time, i actually made myself think...this one is for me. we are doing this for me and my hopes and dreams, my future, my ability. not so much.

i am ready. clear headed. still abit unsure, but ready. sword drawn, heart rate elevated a bit, skin cooled by the breeze, excited about what comes. ready to face my own frailty and fear. ready to swing on the next attempt at falling back.

darkness and discontent. not so much anymore.