you want some of this?

prepping for a talk at the local college. had thought prayer would be the discussion and emphasis, and still may be. but today, my thoughts have been on Phi 3.

i have at times, pursued Christ like a child wanting a cool drink on a hot summer day. other times it has been like a "cocaine addict" messy and helpless. others still, like a minister, seeking some kind of insight for a text i would be teaching on. fear has been a motivation to seek, as has guilt.

but in all my years, as much as i desired, as many times as i may have said it, i have not sought to share in the sufferings of Christ.

i read through Phil 3 earlier. and the text jumped off the page and kicked in the lock i had placed on my heart. i saw it there. in the midst of these words i had seen and heard so many times, the passionate love one man has for his God.

don't get me wrong. i have a love for Him. but it occurred to me today that the courtship that had taken place seemed to have become safe and comfortable. the seeking for just a glimpse of his face had turned into a nice, pleasant affair that was ok...but not all or nothing.

not gonna get all theological here. someone else can do that. that has left me bored and without love for people. especially toward those who need more than theology. what i will get is the fire of a courtship that had beckoned me from all i have and ever wanted. it is certainly not that theology is bad, but the discussion of theology had left me with a faith that had turned inward.

never suffered for faith. i have had people in my life suffer illness, lost loved ones, had difficult things to deal with. but not for the glory of God and the gospel. even now, i am not sure what it would mean to share in Christ's sufferings.

but i do know this. what i have, and there is not much, i surrender it. indeed, that all i am and all i desire would be given for the unsurpassed worth of knowing Christ, and be found in him. what ever that means.

kinda funny how things become simple when we get older.