motivation

i asked myself this morning, why?

why have i spent all these years serving the church?
why am i so wanting to teach the truths of scripture?
why does small group ministry in our home matter so much to me?
why do i, an opinionated, slightly over weight, middles aged former youth minister really want to get involved in the spiritual issues and situations in the lives of others?
why?

the answer to that question has changed over the last few years, last few months even.

my dogmatic ways early on provided a means for me to confront the smallness of my, and our views of this great God we so non chalantly serve. loved to drop the God bombs, they were called by one, on upper middle class kids. dogma often is seen as passion. at least it was for me early on.

lately though, as i rethink everything in my life, i realized this...as good as i thought i was, as passionate and truthful as i thought i was being, my motivation was not an honest one. granted, i was told this several times, but always rationalized it away.

maybe it is because i am getting older.
maybe it is because i see the error of my arrogance.
maybe it is because i have been part of a systematic tearing down of individuals character and motives, all the while telling folks to love as Christ did.

or maybe, just maybe, ministry was not an avenue for my agendas, political views, meanness, judgemental attitudes toward people, career, denomination, or even service for the greater good

maybe, and this is where i am now, people really matter to God. while i have said that for years, i am not sure i actually believed it. if i did, my actions and words toward them would have been much different.

maybe my motivation was the message, and not the love for them that they would hear it.
maybe i missed the point. not totally, but partly.

in my life, now, people matter. if my words as a minister say love one another, and i don't...
if my words say invest in people and i don't...
if my words say serve one another, and i don't...
if my words say trust in his ways and not mine...and i don't...
if my words say accountability is important for you and there is none in my life...
if my words do not come from a forgiven heart, but expect others to forgive...
then my words are simply that. words. it does not matter how good a communicator i am, if i do not take into account that people matter to God, therefore they matter to me, then i am no more than that which i disdain...typical.

Lord, teach me to love as you do. may my life be a reflection of the love , grace, forgiveness, mercy and trust that you have given me. i don't wanna be that guy anymore. the guy that says one thing and lives another.
thanks for continuing to change me, and allowing me to be part of the process. may your word dwell richly in my life and heart.

thoughts from the journey