caught in a trap.

cant really put words to it, but the transformation that has overtaken me has been amazing.

each morning i have the privilege to read scripture over my wife, and our relationship has become more Christlike.

i have spent time thinking over what i missed in ministry because of my view that theology was the goal and not loving God and loving people. i came away from those thoughts turning to anger and sadness. angry that i left out and did not let affect me what it truly means to be loved by God.

sad that from all of about 40 ministers i worked with in 13 years (all staff, not just pastors) there were about 7 who ever asked me about what Jesus was doing in my life, how my family was and where i was spending time in scripture. sad because mostly what we talked about was doing church, trying to figure out how we can get the sheep to become like the shepherds. after all, we knew what they needed. rather than God invading their lives.

my heart has broken over my lack of true love and acceptance of people. people created in His image. even to the point of talking down to folks in certain situations.

i repent.

truth is, we all come into situations all idealistic. have not met a minister that was not idealistic at one point. desirous of meeting people, loving them, changing the status quo, challenging kids and their parents. we soon realize that we play down to our surroundings and loose zeal for the ideal. it must be about more than love...right? it has to be more about what i say each week. this is why we do the same thing, wondering why volunteers are not plenty, wondering why commitment is lacking, wondering why tithes are weak, wondering what to next to get them in to hear what i have to say. after all, that is the most important thing. what i have to say. no invasion, no community change, no evidence of that in my own life, how can i speak it into the lives of others?

i repent.

this week i spoke to 2 students. one a former part of my ministry, who is 21 now and in a hard way. chose a life she now has to learn to deal with. burned bridges, parents cant trust her, yet all she needed was hope. she did not call to remind me of the awesome message i spoke on a wed night, or the camp we attended...she needed some one to listen. some one to tell her she was not alone. that she was loved.

the other was a child of a friend. home life in the toilet because of a dad who could care less and screams all the time. wanted to leave. she did not call casue she remembered the cool jokes i told, or the games or even the motorcycle ride. all she needed was hope. some one to listen, remind her Jesus was with her. hope. she needed to know she was loved.

hope from a man named Jesus who is always with them, and will never leave in spite of their circumstances.

they will never remember a message i spoke, only that there was a direction uncovered that gave hope.

i repent.

i learned this...

we are more like Jesus, love Jesus more, look more like Jesus, when we are put in situations where people need to know there is a God that truly loves them. they seldom remember what we say, but will always remember what we do when they are in need of a word, or a hug, or an ear, or just a bit of hope, or love. non judgemental unconditional Christlike love.

kindness leads to repentance. not theology. not philosophy. not judgement. kindness.

thank God for heart transplants.