every now and then

every now and then we have the opportunity to look back.

mine is not the life that has commanded greatness nor seen as one that should be envied...in quiet desperation i have lived beyond my ability and in defiance of all that made any sense at all.

there have been no defining moments that have set me apart from others, or warranted acts of praise from others.

my life has been simple.

it would be nice to say i have learned from most of my mistakes, but it would not be true. i seem to struggle with the same issues i did early on in life.

what i have learned and cant seem to get over is true love and grace.

shown first in salvation through Jesus Christ and renewed each day. undeserving adn wonderful, beautiful and wonderous, complete and difficult to understand. knowing that He knows me, all of me, and trying to understand how He loves me inspite of that, leaves me with out proper words.

shown second in my marriage. my wife is more than i could have asked for. again, given by Him who knows what we need and giving. she is everything i am not. there is no me without her. without her in my life, something is not.

the chance to be a father is daunting at best. fear and faith live hand in hand. fear of my lack ability and faith in His. my son and my daughter have grown into adults, married and each with a child. my love for them is beyond my ability to express. having said that, the expression of that love is multilied when it comes to my grandkids. being pop pop magnifies in me all i have come to appreciate about life.

recently a death in our church family has left me thinking about all my shortcomings and the frailty of life.

all the questions we ask when we are first start out about makeing an impact or being diferent tend to make their way back to the well.

has it mattered? is what i gave my life for paying off in the kingdom? have my efforts been my efforts? are the few who remain enough? did i get it right? have i been faithful? what next? well done?

these are the thoughts of a man who looked back today.