i shoulda been dead by now

i am constantly amazed at my arrogance toward my faith and my lord. why he allows me to take another breath is beyond me.

i sit and remember my life before grace, the life that honored no one. held in bondage to sin and dead. no hope and no direction. i was not supposed to live past 20 or so. the wild life was bound to kill me. living in complete danger and being naive in regards to mortality.

i should have been dead by now.

11Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in the body by the hands of men)— 12remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. Eph 2 11-13

so rich in mercy and grace is our lord. so wonderful in all he does, so beautiful are his ways and his statutes. how can i neglect such a wonderous love? i can't

in reality, i am dead. dead to sin and the power it once had over me. i have been crucified with christ, it is no longer i who lives but christ who lives in me. the life i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the one who loved me and gave himself for me.

death will come to all. i get to experience it here.

thanks lord, for loving me enough to kill me when i was powerless to see the difference.

even though...

we only turn to you in times of pain, please accept our prayer.
we only acknowledge you when we can't make sense of the world, please help us.
we only seek you in times of tragedy, please guide us.
we are arrogant in our thoughts, please have mercy on us.
we are judgemental, please forgive us.
we are bullies, please give us refuge.
we are blind, allow us to see.
we are more interested in financial gain that the poor in the world, please love us.
we are constantly disobedient and selfish, please pursue us.

Lord, you are all we are not. you are above all. let your mercy rain down upon us, allow your word to break our heats, help us to see, lead us to salvation.

you are our only hope.
you and you alone.

justice served?

he was sentenced today. plea was accepted, 2-3 years in a high risk program with intence counseling.

he got off pretty good. should he have been tried as an adult, he would have served 20 years min. his dad has blamed the victims family oddly enough. he thinks they should have stopped it.
not much empathy for the vic. which is quite alarming to me. but eveybody has some blame to pass around.

we are constantly looking for some one to blame for our actions. so much so, we dig deep down in our souls to find a mistreatment, a lack of concern, a moment that would seem to send one off the edge and plumeting down the rabbit hole.

the inner workings of the universe and the ramifications of choices we make seldom give the reason we seek for situations such as these and those in VA. most are left to wonder about the purpose of it all, seldom looking past our own sin and the sand in which we have placed our head.

we blame eveyone but ourselves. we blame god for hunger, death, disasters, and even broken marriages.

we sue for accountability in the market place when we do something stupid like use a hair dryer in the tub, becasue we did not see a warning on the item.
we sue for coffee being to hot and complain when it is to cold.
we blame culture for porn and masterbate over the images in our computer.
we sue a gun maker and pity the shooter.
we sue the beer maker and blame the drunkedness on disease.

all the while seeking justice for everyone but ourselves. we don't deserve this pain, this hurt, this wheel chair, this disease, this std, this pregnancy.

i above all am worthy of death. it is but by the grace that he has so lavishly poured out on me that i can stand humbley and pray in his presence. it is by the sacrifice of another that i can come boldy yet with much respect bowed prostrate before him. it is only getting from him what he should have reserved for his son and giving his son what should have been reserved for me that i can have hope.

the whimisical way in which we approach him saddens me. we trifle with his goodness, and his godness and even his mercy, trying to fit him into a lesser role so we can justify our attitudes and actions.

no answers to this, just faith. no faces to blame, just hope. no bragging, just grace. broken lives hanging on to the only one who can hold.

she is still the light. there was a time when i threw stones and spoke of her with disdain. it was my own doing that caused me to spew insults at her and in my greed and pride hold myself up as right. it is not the case any longer. she is beautiful in all her ways. she and only she is the true tool from which this world will know him. with out her authority and blessing all we try to accomplish outsider her blessing is for personal and ideological gain. she is the hands and feet of him so sent her. for her presence here in the darkness i am eternally grateful.

religious pole dancin

as i begin to unload this truck load of angst, i am sad in my heart at some of the stuff i hear and read concerning modern christianity.

it is the time of year when certain tv outlets have share a thons to raise money. certainly not a bad thing. the concern is that there are promises of health, wealth and fortune that accompany pledges of financial support given by men who all but promise their prosperity if they would only give.

i am wondering if financial prosperity is preached in darfur, central america, africa, and the middle east. i wonder if the message of gods financial blessing is the focus when they preach in areas of poverty.

wondering still, can we preach a different message here than we do in other countries?

still wondering...what if what was preached was holiness and righteous living all over the world, would we then be so concerned with financial gain as a means of gods blessing.

1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good 2 tim 3;1-3

i need to say these things now.

for the time will soon come when sin cannot be uttered as such. lifestyle choices and reletive truth (take what you want and leave the rest), along with complete tolerance for all faiths and all viewpoints...except christianity...is looming large on the horizon.

i do not look outside the church. as paul told the corinthians, one would have to leave the world to escape such things. i speak about inside the church, whom we are to rightly test in matters of faith.

throw your money. i will give you pleasure for a while. away from your life and responsibilities. come and give me money and you shall experience freedom and satisfaction.
give me your money. i will dance for you,. as long as you give me what i want. i look good, you want me, give me your money. pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

we have given what is so dear to us for promises of stuff.

we are essau.

we trade god for a bowl of soup. but now, jacob tells us that with the soup you can have a big fine home, 3.2 kids, 4 cars, no worries, no suffering, no pain and a big bank account. why do we get these things? we deserve them. jesus was born in a trough with the smell of cattle crap in the air, but we deserve them. jesus had no home, but we deserve them. jesus was proclaimed among the poor, but we deserve them.

what they don't tell you is this...if it don't work out for you, it must be your lack of faith. if the cancer comes back, you probably did not give enough. maybe another few hundred and it will be ok.

i feel like i am at a strip club, putting a dollar in the suit jacket of some cheap magician with bad hair and a diamond ring on who is congering up visions of granduer.

any body got change for a 20?

it is official...

i am officially a full patched member of "The Sons of God Motorcycle club"

step 1 to some pretty big things to come in the next few months.

when in doubt...ride it out.

went to see a brother yesterday. great visit. workin on a vision from the one who gives them. got some feed back, talked about some issues, enjoyed the company.

more confident now than ever.

the ride up 3hrs. the ride back 3 hrs.

just enough time to think it through and work it out.

this is my baby. i call her "rosalee". she has a menacing look about her. i am truly smitten.

we worked it out on a clear cool day at 75-85mph on Florida's Turnpike.

Jesus knows where i live. he reminded me this week that there is plenty to do, plenty to reach and plenty ways to do it. he reminded me this week that he is constantly encouraging his children. and when we make him the focus of life, he really will give us the desire of our heart. which in this case is more of him.

meet rosalee.

aint she a beauty?

she and i will be doing some pretty cool stuff in months to come.

God is not slack regarding his promises...

throw away kids

i have spent the last few days observing our judicial system at work.

seldom have i been so discouraged and hopeful at the same time.

kids are cycled in and out of the juvenile system like cattle. parents watch with confusion and anger. hurt and fear. sadness and hopelessness.

i have watched as kids are charged with beating their parents (14 years old), charged with theft, assault (13), drug possesion and dealing (15), aggrivated sex with a child under 12 (16), run aways, just to name a few.

families have lost their kids becasue of addiction, safety issues and pure meanness. one family lost their 2 kids to the state by default. just by not showing up for a hearing...they forfieted their kids like a team loses a game with out enough players. forfeit. you lose. time out. do not pass go.

in my heart their has come to rest a realization of a world most people does not know exists. kids of lower status that are fringe at best, but mostly unseen and un heard. the only noise that is heard is the siren.

a face has been put with the mindless crime that sweeps across our world each day. even in the debauchery that has come from this child and the anger towards him that rises up...i still see a child. a child who needs christ. needs love and needs to know that even in this...his life can matter.

it is so easy to sweep these under the rug. after a while, the pile would eventually wear down.

can we truly be followers of jesus if we only love the lovely? can we be true believers if all we choose to do is help the poor and not the criminal? how does one love the so easily hated becasue of crime? what does it mean to love a child who will not see the light of freedom untill his 22 birthday? even then, his father will most likely be dead.

the sadness that grips my heart and brings tears to my eyes is trumped by hope.

hope that the bride is here. as slow as she may be at times, she shows the way to life. as shallow as she can be, there is always a light on. as easily as she is prostituted out for acceptance, she is here. reflecting her groom.

as difficult as it is to look in this kids eyes and tell him there is an end to his suffering, i can look in his victims eyes and tell her there is hope...there is an end to suffering. because of her...the bride...becasue of the groom.

the paradox of this great love demands that their be a face to look into.

for with out a face to look into, with out eyes to peer into, disposable children become our justification for an ineffective faith.

what we do with the throw away kids reflects what we really think about jesus. how we show mercy to the least of these tells us a lot about what we really believe.

as uncomfortable as it is, a kid who is a sexual deviant is in need of salvation...no less or no more than me.

no one knows the life that is lived behind closed doors away from people...away from church...away from life...away from hope...away from the cross.

away from the cross.

even now i am trying to walk this line that has become so blurred.