sometimes...I think

there is a zone we find ourselves in.

last week, I went on a 5 day fast. sweet times in prayer and preaching. had the blessing to speak to 400 kids twice over the weekend. the Spirit was thick like a cloud. it was like i was standing beside myself hearing someone else speak. often times I find i am most excited about Jesus when i am speaking. such was the case here.

tonight, I thought I would have some of that left over. not

my prep was not honoring to Him. it was like i was walking in chest deep mud. nothing connected. I could have built a dog house with the bricks that left my mouth and hit the floor.

fruit of the spirit is not meant to be canned, or frozen for use another day.

prep for a word from him must be taken not from an overflow but fresh from the well.

sometimes...I think.

I wonder why it is so easy for me to be a slacker.

I think my efforts are that...my efforts.

laziness is a drug that I inhale and wheeze from its toxicity.

pride lifts me up and I like how it feels. at least on the way up. not much for the trip down.

the sorrow of self satisfaction sends me to a bitter pool and I am seemingly forced to drink till I am ill. then I look around and no one is there.

I am most afraid of being typical.

being ineffective for the kingdom scares me more than cancer.

I settle for leftovers when a fresh meal is right in front of me.

I repent.

sometimes.

Finally.

what I needed.

some hollywood film director to tell me jesus did not rise from the tomb, but rather, he actually made a film about where his, his wife and his sons bones are...in a box he found.

wow...I am glad that is over.

now if he can tackle some more issues that I need some clarification on...

like...

why what he has to say about anything really matters. especially matters of faith.

maybe next, he can find hoffa. or may be he can clear up the misunderstanding on loch ness. or, maybe, just maybe, he can tell me why I cant seem to find a good watermellon down here.

but, I digress

emerging from emergence

whispers from deep that call me back.
back from the journey towards newness.
an off ramp taken
a flashy sign. attention...go here.
what seemed new was shallow and without depth.

the journey seemed all laid out for me in the begining. simple, full of life and hope. the vehicle was used but in decent shape. a hand me down but it had proven faithful and up for any task.

for some reason distractions came from others who had traded up, as it seemed, to a sleeker, more refined model. nice paint, nice tunes, nice interior. and people noticed. it felt good, like this is how it was meant to be.

the old one was parked. gathered dust but always worked. turns out the upgrade was not up for the long haul. it took more to operate than before and while pleasing to look at, there was no juice. not used to dirt roads and rough terrain, the exact thing that was needed.

not every one lives on a paved road.

back on the narrow road again. weary, dis-allusioned and gun shy. still trying to get my bearings. wasted time, effort and energy on the exit that really never went anywhere. the seat has the familiar comfort of belonging, classic, or even original. not restored but original.

the wears I was told I needed for the upgrade are not needed, no particular look is needed, no slang, no disdain for those who came before. only simplicity.

the heaviness of reality peirces my soul. not from a friend that I have missed, but the life giver and sustainer.

no need to search for what others are doing, although the story of Him encourages, but complete focus on my part in my place in my world for his glory. titles that wink and call me away have wasted time and passion. for him and him alone do I cry, for his way and his method and his purpose.

this thought came from another...this one has a place at the table. living and working on the otherside of the narrow gate. for when we go through the gate, the journey is not over.

I feel like a need a cleansing form the mediocre, skin peeled back to get to the original flesh, original glory.

innocence lost

The prince of the kingdom has blessed us for the past week with his presence. life as i know it stops when he is in town. grandkids are more than.

I watch him each day as he bounces from thought to thought, toy to toy, smile to smile. he is so what I miss.

I think we lose so much as we grow older.

we spend a life time trying to become more independent. funny though, at the begining and at the end, we are more dependant on others. we can't do for ourselves as children, so parents do. we can do for ourselves when we become old and invalid, so kids do...hopefully. all the while God desires us to trust him, lean on him, learn from him.

he already wants to do for himself. i find myself wanting to do more for him just to be close to him. he's not having any of that though. I really want him to want to be with us. and he does. he has not cried once for mom and dad in 7 days. 2 1/2 years old.

we love him so. ask for him to be the one. the one who changes things. the one whose life is fully devoted to the Lord.

sounds like my father.

I spend more time than I should thinking about what is not rather than what is. theory rather than reality.

we have the opportunity to be fed from the riches of his storehouse each day, yet we strive over what we have no control over.

we are blessed with intimacy in the throne room, yet we often look for new ways, new books, new thoughts about ancient realities that seldom need "newness."

I belive part of why Eve was so easily lied to, was Adam's shirking his responsibility to convey the wonder of such a sweet relationship.

yet...all is not lost.

Spiritual Lust

"But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel. Indeed, besides all this, it is the third day since these things happened." Luke 24:21

I have spent a great deal of time and effort lusting after the faith of other people.

the reality is this. God never intended me to have Paul's faith, Peter's faith, my Pastor's faith, or anyone elses faith.

"to each is given a measure of faith."

I have read so many post modern emerging modernchurch books my freakin eyes hurt. spent time following the creedo of the modern movement.

by the way, what kind of place in life do you have to be in, or what certification process do you go throuh to be able to call your self a "futurist?" or what about "cultural visionary?"

anyway...I digress.

I read this passage and it hit me. listen to these guys walking along and conversing with each other as Jesus comes along and asks what they are talking about. it all came down to "we were hoping it was He that was going to reddem Israel."

we had hoped.

"what did you go out to see? a reed shaken by the wind? a man dressed in fine clothing?"

we all have an idea of what His work ought to look like. and if we don't we borrow some one elses version. especially if it has a good hook, or resides a bit outside our normal travels.

such has bene the case for me.

I saw something, read some ideas and became jealous for what they had. not wanting to develop my own relationship, rather try to get what they had.

pitiful.

I have lusted after women, cars, motorcycles, money, my wife, big screen TV's, computers, freedom, houses, drugs, sleep, weight loss, sex and now as a sort of icing to the crap cake of lust, I add some one elses faith.

Job said that he "made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at another woman."

today, my wandering eyes days at the faith of another, or my version of how I think the whole deal should play out...are over.

so let it be written...so let it be done.

Daytona Bike Week

most of my ministry, for lack of a better word, has always been an outflow of my job. being a staff member with the Bride has afforded me great opportunity, along with great responsibility. I have done my job with passion and integrity for the most part. all except for the part that requires me to love my neighbor. although I am getting better at that.

however, every outreach I have done over the last 11 years has been under the umbrella of my job. until now. nothing from a personal passion for people in need has ever caused me to be thinking about me doing ministry outside my job and off the clock...if there is such a thing. a ppastor being off the clock.

I am a prospective member of The Sons Of God Motorcycle Club. going through the whole deal to become a full patched member. why? to do something with my faith besides keep it at the church.

for 1 week in March, we will go to Bike Week in Daytona. in the midst of bikers babes and debauchery, we will hope to minister to bikers with the Gospel. walk around and share Christ. feed the hungry, give a drink to the thirsty. pray for the drunk and lift up the downcast.

I may have to call in sick for this.

smell the depravity. sorry, that may be me.

I hate my life

"If any one comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple

Luke 14:26

can I hate that which I seem to lust after?
can I hate that which has imprisoned me in the walls of mediocrity?
can I hate you?
can I hate the simple things that keep me from the vestibule of heaven?
can I hate the gifts that make my life more pleasant?

I have to.
nothing less will suffice.