Hurt

The stench of death looms in the atmosphere of my world. thick, heavy and full of sorrow. The air stinks.

Mike died on Monday. As hurricane Wilma swept through South FL, winds driving, breaking and destroying, Mike lay lifeless and alone.

He drank too much. He was in poor health. He had become increasingly undependable at work. He was miserable, yet unresponsive to the Gospel. He was a co worker. He helped me out a great deal when I arrived here. more than I told him. He was here, now, as if a memory from a breif meeting long ago...he is gone. No clue of his eternal destiny. there is huge regret in my heart. I really do not want to dwell on that. I will block this out, as most do, to keep the guilt of silence at bay.

funny how the discussion I have had about church seems meaningless now. traditional, relevant, emerging...all these are words I have spent much time over. throwing rocks at and embracing. trying to change to make my existance seem valid. yet through all the words and discussions, the fact remains...Mike is dead. the church that is me did not reach him.

all the time I had talked down at the church, I was actually talking down to myself. As we are the chucrh, I am the church, I have to take responsibility for the lack of concern and love shown to the least of these. the lack of encouragement needed by people like Mike everyday. people who need. people who are.

funny how when things get personal we decide to act. funny when some one I know dies, I get it. funny how when we deal with something, we think every one should deal with it. funny how I can turn the death of a man I barely knew into something about me. Funny how when I see something Jesus sees every day I get all Jesusy.

not funny how damn selfish I am.

for the first time, the reality of a world that is with out Jesus hits home.

for the first time, the excuses of not sharing Jesus hold no sway.

for the first time, theology has skin.

for the last time, my lips are sealed.


I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Nine Inch Nails