What is left?

Several years ago things began to change in my life. My Spirit began to crave more than I was offered from the current administration. I had become restless and uncomfortable with the current state of American Christianity. Because of my desire to change that, I set out on a pilgrimage of sorts that soon turned into a assault on the place where I was serving as had served as a student minister. Why? It seemed like the thing to do. Rather than look within and come to an understanding, it was easier to look out at what needed to be changed.

for several years, I assumed the role of instigator and resident rock thrower. It was important that every one knew, at my telling, that the current state of things was in crisis mode and something needed to be done. My prayers quickly turned to a plea to our great God for permission to be part of the right way, the correct way.

5 months into this awesome journey, I have learned some incredible things.

-when you base your life on what is not, the targets for the rocks disappear.
-the process of pruning hurts.
-when we ask God to change us...He will.
-He should have fired me a long time ago.
-it is easier for me to tell others how to forgive than for me.
-I have allowed a few people to spoil my view of others.
-what people need is still Jesus, not anti what ever.
-when Jesus begins to rip away the outer shell, He cleans the wounds left behind.
-I have resigned as ruler of all knowledge.
-obedience is really better than sacrifice.
-Jesus is patient, He really allows for our time to understand.
-this whole love thing has me speechless.
-Jesus is my desire.

I call this deal the primal experiment. Mainly because I wanted to try some things I had not tried. I wanted to try for the first time to be honest with my walk. Sadly, honesty in my walk was not an issue before. My agenda, as good as I thought it was, was still that...My agenda.

but as Jesus has shown me who I am, and as I realize the shortcomings I have, He has also shown me who He is. After 10 years of "professional ministry" an honest walk is very refreshing and painful at the same time. After spending the last few years throwing rocks at the institution and calling for change, the truth is, now Jesus is calling for me to change. All the targets I was so eager to throw rocks at are now gone. Slipped into the shadows. Not because they do not exist, but because they have nothing to do with my current path.

so what is left? What is left of my ministry after the targets have all gone? What is left of me after all the ammo has been used? What is there for me to say after the realization that my words have mostly been used to tear down and satisfy my own rebellious attitude?

when the rocks are all gone, and the targets are of no concern, then all that remains is the truth. And that is hard to deal with. The realization that I am as much of the problem and those who I have aimed my attacks is devastating. As I look in the mirror, the tree, not log, that is growing out of my eye becomes visible.

true words can also be misguided. Yes. This has been an experiment. And up to this point, there have been several difficulties. But all in all, the experiment has been a success. The result is an honest walk with not skeletons to be concerned about coming out, no fear of secret sin, no holding back resources and learning to be content, no not doing something when told, a willingness to be open and willing to accept truth...Even about me, and a passion and love that I have not known.

what's left? Not much of me...But more of Jesus. I am cool with that.