got this from my dear friend Lisa. She is a magnificent writer and follower of Jesus. find her here http://theuprising.typepad.com/ be careful. you may not leave as you arrived.
but i claim it, not as the writer, but the reality of the words in my life. while beautiful, my faith journey has been difficult, messy and downright dirty. there is nothing slick and clean about full sacrifice. blood spews out on everything, drenches the receiver as well the sacrificed.
"I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - No.Mine is a much messier quest. I'm courting Him like a cocaine addict - counting worthless & selling off anything that stands between having what I seek.... Scouring the deep recesses of all my comfort zones for any remnant of change that may have slipped between the cushions... every penny counts & everything that is mine is handed over that I might apprehend Him, know Him, walk in the pleasure of His presence, & in His resurrection life... Even if it means fellowshipping with suffering.
Here, anchored in the sweat & snot & tears & shakes of a morning 'episode' .. my longing overtakes my logic & reason. I curse my brokenness, swear through a vow, & hand over all my gods & goods for another sight of His face, his heart, His soul... Him.I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - This morning my Philippians 3:7-12 is a much, much messier quest - I court Him like a cocaine addict."
because of my messy pursuit, my life and thoughts are a little more raw, little harsh, little blunt. because i am an former addict, this resonates deep. it affects my views on life, religion, politics, and even worship. it affects how i live, my laugh, my passion, my thought.
some are slick, pretty even, romantic in their pursuits. mine is more of a tear soaked, finger nails dirty from grasping at the ground as i lay face down in the dirt and try to peer upward. completely drenched with the blood of not only His sacrifice, but, mercy like rain poured over me. screamin not for material wealth, nor hoping for comfort, or health or safety. screaming for just a glimpse of his greatness from my cleft in the rock. reachin upward to take hold of his hand and willing to go, do, and be what ever it is my willingness and his grace and direction can take me.
thanks L, for saying what i have felt. this, and so much more.
messy. but oh so beautiful.
1 comment:
"you may not leave as you arrived."
snicker...MAY NOT? hahaa...its definitely that woman's writings that have really messed me up and made me hunger for MORE. I think that is one of the first posts i found on her site and it captured me.
...."i court Him like a cocaine addict."
Post a Comment