Tears and scars

This morning emotion flowed through me like an artic wind. Chilling and real. I wept. Not the sniffle tears but the sobbing kind. I had to pull over to regain my composure.

the following is what has come from the emotion.

My first born is a Marine. nuff said.

I bear the scars of professional ministry. Scars that have come from those who would personally attack because of my blunt attitude and willingness to be honest. It is hard to be honest sometimes, but we give what we get. For me it has been rawness. It is not comfortable to many. So they attack. Not full frontal attacks, but the ones where stealth hides motives and actions. I say this to give insight.

I too attack. The institutional way of thinking. I would like to say it all evens out, but I find myself limping more than I used to. Maybe it is because I am getting old.

having the reputation is both good and bad. As with most things I have abused it and used it for my own pleasure. It does not negate the scars. Some heal quicker than others, some have not healed because I continue to open tha bandage.

I would gladly take these and many more scars for the safe return of my son. I would gladly go so he would not have to. I would gladly die that he would live a full life unto our great God. However, this cannot be the case. Willingness does not always allow for opportunity. Alas, I cannot bargain. Their is nothing I have worth as much as the voice and presence of my son.

I cannot take his place. So I weep. Not so much for lack of trust in Jesus to care for and protect, but for my inability to do the same.
trust and faith is all we have. It is all we have ever had. So we trust and we pray.

I cannot take his place, so I weep. I cannot take his place, so I pray.

I am glad He took my place. I am glad He has taken my sons place.

The package

I have been preaching through John, so my studies as of late have had to do with background and time spent on Jon the Baptist. The original freak. Outcast, mad man, fashion guru, confronter, and bird dog. It has been a great study.

here is what has me in a sad mood today.

I have seen and been a part of a certain package that is being presented to people as the way in which God has chosen to reveal Himself to the people. In certain places, the whole "post-modern" package is what is popular. Angry white guys (this is what Erwin McManus calls post modernism)getting their message out that this is the way church should look today. A slick, pretty, eye catching package that includes visuals and moods that complete a certain look.

the traditional package is no different. There is a certain look and an attitude that points to the rightness of the package. Old ways they say, need not be forgotten. True that! The problem with some tradition is it is not old enough...Some even package up both and try to mold them together in order to meet all the requirements that tickle some part of people to get them to buy the product.

when Jesus burst on the scene, He turned all expectations upside down. And the one who was called from birth to herald the coming Messiah was not part of the current status quo or any package religion. JTB did not have meetings in the local synagogue or services in the Temple. He did not go after the young crowd nor did he appeal to the old folks. Age did not seem to be part of his whole deal. He cam proclaiming the coming Messiah and Kingdom of God. Dressed like a circus freak and eating foods that would make all the no carb folks freak out.

it strikes me funny and sad at the same time as I write this...The way that Jesus was brought into the world was not what we would expect, yet it was foretold by the prophets. The way in which Jesus was heralded was not what we would expect, yet it is what was foretold.

how is it that we have forgot how the Word was presented as Anti package? How is it that we have assumed the role of presenter of a slick pretty and attractive nicely put together product as if we were selling a "ronco home product?"

I too have put together my own way of presenting Jesus. My own way of wrapping Him up and telling people about Him as if I were a barker at the local carnival.

we do this because we have an idea that Jesus is more along the lines with our personal thoughts than others. We also do this because we want to believe Jesus is a blonde haired blue eyed American who if He were here would live in our nice neighborhood and drive our kind of car. More than anything though, I think we do this so we can make Jesus attractive so our friends will like Him. After all, no one wants to follow a not so good looking unattractive God...Right?

Truth is, what we say and how we dress Him up cannot make him any cooler, more attractive or any more God than He is. He is either God, or He is not. (paraphrase of a quote of a member of DC TALK)and honestly, Isaiah said Jesus was not a handsome guy. Especially in our mullet haired, skinny bulemic model, Tommy Hilfiger, Gap, sex sells everything even rice and biscuit commercial culture.

maybe we all need a return to the camel hair clothes and leather belt days. Maybe we all need to eat some locusts and wild honey. Maybe we all need to spend some time in the wilderness and recapture that which was originally heralded as the coming Messiah. Maybe we all need to remember the message JTB preached..."Repent! For the Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand!"

Locust anyone?

Today

Today...

"I prayed a strange prayer today. I prayed that Jesus would magnify Himself in me to the utmost, or slay me. By His grace, I shall not have His second best."
Jim Elliot

the truth is, Jesus can never give less than His best. It is who He is, His character. Do you realize what kind of love for Him we need to actually pray a prayer like this with real honesty?

I desire a relationship with Jesus that is so intimate that to not have it would cause me to ask Jesus Himself to take me out because I cannot live with out Him.

or do I?

daily the same stuff, attitudes, junk, people, sin... I have always dealt with in one form or another, seem to beckon for my attention. A look or admiration of something less beautiful, something less passionate, something less wild seems to rise up in the peripheral of vision.

while the desire to die seems noble enough, the simplicity of death is evident in Scripture. Paul reminds us the importance of "dying to self" and the importance of "He who lives in me" as a reality for us to strive for.

the problem is this. For me (certainly not what Jim Elliot is saying), the menial death of wants and desires seem less a glorious death than to be consumed on the altar of God. The former has way to much for me to sacrifice, which means that I must stand a vigilant watch over my soul. The other implies a hostile take over from God as to save me from the process actually seeing me for who I really am. A lazy slug when left alone would just as soon watch the "Soprano's" as love some one with action and not just words.

so I, and most of us, pray prayers like "God change me, God, make me do better." when what He rally wants from us is to surrender and be willing to stop making excuses and dancing around with sin and laziness.

so. Today. May the less visible form of death take place. The form that takes on a surrender to His desire and not mine. After all, it is one thing to crawl up on the altar with the desire to be consumed, and altogether different to lay a part of myself on the altar and watch it burn and feel the pain as it dies.

yea. I am cool with that. As long as He is seen.

anonymous

talk about OUCH!

I am truly sorry if the comments you read about my journey have made you feel bad in any way.

my comments were NEVER aimed at a particular pastor, minister, or group of people. certainly not at OBC. people and students were and still are my passion, just not religion, which is what I got my hands full of later on.

please forgive me if you were offended. now you can send me an e-mail so we can catch up, see how you are, where you are going to college, what your plnas are, and if you still have a passion for middle schoolers...and talk about what Jesus is doing in your life. it is plain to see what He is doing in mine...messing me up!

What is left?

Several years ago things began to change in my life. My Spirit began to crave more than I was offered from the current administration. I had become restless and uncomfortable with the current state of American Christianity. Because of my desire to change that, I set out on a pilgrimage of sorts that soon turned into a assault on the place where I was serving as had served as a student minister. Why? It seemed like the thing to do. Rather than look within and come to an understanding, it was easier to look out at what needed to be changed.

for several years, I assumed the role of instigator and resident rock thrower. It was important that every one knew, at my telling, that the current state of things was in crisis mode and something needed to be done. My prayers quickly turned to a plea to our great God for permission to be part of the right way, the correct way.

5 months into this awesome journey, I have learned some incredible things.

-when you base your life on what is not, the targets for the rocks disappear.
-the process of pruning hurts.
-when we ask God to change us...He will.
-He should have fired me a long time ago.
-it is easier for me to tell others how to forgive than for me.
-I have allowed a few people to spoil my view of others.
-what people need is still Jesus, not anti what ever.
-when Jesus begins to rip away the outer shell, He cleans the wounds left behind.
-I have resigned as ruler of all knowledge.
-obedience is really better than sacrifice.
-Jesus is patient, He really allows for our time to understand.
-this whole love thing has me speechless.
-Jesus is my desire.

I call this deal the primal experiment. Mainly because I wanted to try some things I had not tried. I wanted to try for the first time to be honest with my walk. Sadly, honesty in my walk was not an issue before. My agenda, as good as I thought it was, was still that...My agenda.

but as Jesus has shown me who I am, and as I realize the shortcomings I have, He has also shown me who He is. After 10 years of "professional ministry" an honest walk is very refreshing and painful at the same time. After spending the last few years throwing rocks at the institution and calling for change, the truth is, now Jesus is calling for me to change. All the targets I was so eager to throw rocks at are now gone. Slipped into the shadows. Not because they do not exist, but because they have nothing to do with my current path.

so what is left? What is left of my ministry after the targets have all gone? What is left of me after all the ammo has been used? What is there for me to say after the realization that my words have mostly been used to tear down and satisfy my own rebellious attitude?

when the rocks are all gone, and the targets are of no concern, then all that remains is the truth. And that is hard to deal with. The realization that I am as much of the problem and those who I have aimed my attacks is devastating. As I look in the mirror, the tree, not log, that is growing out of my eye becomes visible.

true words can also be misguided. Yes. This has been an experiment. And up to this point, there have been several difficulties. But all in all, the experiment has been a success. The result is an honest walk with not skeletons to be concerned about coming out, no fear of secret sin, no holding back resources and learning to be content, no not doing something when told, a willingness to be open and willing to accept truth...Even about me, and a passion and love that I have not known.

what's left? Not much of me...But more of Jesus. I am cool with that.