The Primal Experiment

New Location

2010-02-11T16:49:00.003-05:00

we will be blogging from here http://www.primalfaith.net

from now on.

Christian Hipsters and Hatian Boat People

2009-09-28T21:23:00.002-04:00

the reality of being in a situation where one is being remade is very daunting. things that were are no more. confidence that existed has turned to pause and caution.
being 47 and being re-worked from the ground up is kinda scary. should be enjoying a chosen career. should be dealing with connections, making plans for retirement, looking at some time shares, planning out long road trips.

not.

so the question is this...will my attitude be that of the "Christian Hipster" that seems to reflect the emergent cool look, rely on connections, conferences and clothes (disqualified already)?

saw an interview once of a guy who had been on a boat from Haiti for 3 weeks. he was asked how he felt (a question that i was asked today). he said in his deep Haitian accent..."i am just happy to be here."

I'm just happy to be here. still allowed to be involved in a vibrant church, creative people to work along side, and "my wife still lets me in at night."

kinda sums it all up.

attitude?

I'm just happy to be here.

sometimes...i remember

2009-06-02T12:58:00.003-04:00

it all started last night when i was channel surfing. came across this show called Crossroads. Jamey Johnson and Shooter Jennings hooked up and sang each others tunes.

not a country music guy, but when hard livin outlaws sing about the old outlaw days, it always brings me back to the heartache i lived through for so many years.

this song, was my life for so long. set free from that now. no desire to go back. but the honesty here is so close to my actions it was scary. especially the part about the church...well all of it. it was as if he had taken a year out of my life and put it down to music.

The High Cost of Living

I was just a normal guy
Life was just a nine to five
With bills and pressurePiled up to the sky
She never asked She knew
I’d beHangin’ with my wilder friends
Looking for some other way to fly
And three days straight was no big feat
Could get by with no food or sleep
And crazy was becoming my new norm
I’d pass out on the bedroom floor
And sleep right through the calm before the storm

My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

That southern Baptist parking lot
Is where I’d go to smoke my pot
Sit there in my pickup truck and pray
Staring at that giant cross
Just reminded me that I was lost
And it just never seemed to point the way
As soon as Jesus turned his back
I find my way across the track
Lookin’ just to score . . . another deal
With my back against that damn eight ball
I didn’t have to think or talk . . . or feel

My life was just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
I couldn’t even tell I was alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

My whole life went through my head
Layin’ in that motel bed
Watchin’ as the cops kicked in the door
I had a job and a piece of land
My sweet wife was my best friend
But I traded that for cocaine and a whore
With my new found sobriety
I’ve got the time to sit and thinkOf all the things I had . . . and threw away
This prison is much colder than
That one that I was locked up in just yesterday

My life is just an old routine
Every day the same damn thing
Hell I can’t even tell if I’m alive
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high
I tell youThe high cost of livin’Ain’t nothing like the cost of livin’ high

Jamey Johnson

http://www.cmt.com/videos/unplugged/jamey-johnson/264138/high-cost-of-living.jhtml

gypsy roots uncovered.

2009-05-05T17:00:00.003-04:00

thought the other day about wandering. read somewhere about wanderlust. i am that. always have been. been wandering for years, though not without purpose or meaning.

prepared this week to give a talk about connection. the journey of discovery through scripture on the thought of community has been eye opening. oddly enough, as i have prepared, several connections that were made 10-12 years ago or more have been rekindled.

recent connects with people here have been amazing. challenging. real. but that happens everywhere we go. would not have it any other way. these true connections that touch the soul are never broken. time, situations, distance. these things cannot stop that.

so we carry our tent from place to place. sharing life, events, love, journey along the way. leaving bits of ourselves, gathering parts from others, so that our makeup changes just a bit each time.

without fail, we are welcomed, loved and encouraged where ever the path leads. he has always guided, corrected, smacked, and gently persuaded. the bride is more beautiful now than ever. although she may be more stationary than she was meant to be, i love her all the same.

turned 47 today. prolly lived longer than i am going to. insert smile here, for a life full of Grace and pain. love and frustration. fear and loathing. wonder and stupidity.

it is comforting to know that these roots i call my own can be traced so far back in antiquity. sojourner, wanderer, journeyman, freak and zealot, court jester and pot head. junkie and thief. all these have been my title at one time or another. but they have never defined me. neither will a building, or a thought, or a political system. what has defined me has been love. i like that.

roll gypsy role.

jacked up...again

2009-04-16T22:27:00.004-04:00

obviously, the following are my own thoughts. if they rattle you, sorry.

over the years, i have had many opportunities to attend conferences, read various books, and be friends with people who ascribe to one common theme...something is wrong and someone, or something is to blame.

words and phrases like God is moving, resurgence, emergent, tradition, worship style, culture, post modern and relevance are just a few of the descriptives that have been used to tell us what the problem may be, how to address it, and how to solve it.

i have heard great men of God speak on these issues. i have been moved, and blessed by wisdom and education that is far beyond me and my dismal attempt at intellect.

there seems to be lots of blame to go around.

the new breed blames the old school for not getting it.
the old school blames the new breed for not respecting it.
leaders at educational institutions admonish their graduates to tackle it, yet they seem so ill equipped to do so. we go to these gatherings to refresh and rekindle what may be sleeping deep within, yet the tide continues to erode away what we cannot quite put our finger on. they continue to encourage us with what is wrong and how to fix it. but classes did not quite cover this issue.

the fact the Jesus is not republican still escapes us, and even though we think he is, all the government help we thought we had did not outlaw abortion, so we blame the new guy. and we seem surprised when a culture turns against us because we are judgemental and display a lack of understanding and grace towards them.

so. i had just about had enough. really. left wing, right wing, i mean wtf?

then yesterday i was in a meeting, a long meeting mind you, and it all became clear.
15 years of asking how, and what had become so heavy, so sad, so tiring, so weak, so typical.

and in 3 min time, i was reminded. not what the problem was, or even how to address the issues of philosophy that could deal with such a daunting task. but why.

i watched a guy weep over why. why she is here. why we do what we do.
in that moment, i was cleansed and all that is wrong gave way to why he came. i was warmed by the mercy and grace that was in his eyes. glory rested on him. almost like Moses when he saw God.

all the books about how to deal with an emerging culture (i have read more than i would like to admit), all the conferences on what the problem is, and what kind of leaders we need to address it (i have wasted many a church dollar on that as an excuse to get away...sorry), never flashed before my eyes or entered my mind.

what came to mind was this..."it is his kindness that leads us to repentance."

the year of my discontent

2009-03-30T15:03:00.002-04:00

have not written much as of late. not that i have a following, but it helps me to lay it out.

today is a year since i began this journey. not one situation has turned into what i had hoped for. nothing. but then again, all i had to go on was the idea, the vision, the passion. some say timing is key, others say location. me? all i know it this. every part of my life has been poked into, prodded, kicked, cut, stretched and beaten. i got scars from battles, battles i was not expecting to have to fight. but fight we did. and survival was not just taken for granted, darkness covered so thick at times, i could taste it, touch it. it was heavy, and it seemed i would be lost there. wandering around, feeling for a way out.

i was present at every attack, every attempt, and every fall. i can say now, that although it was difficult, it was good. although it hurt, at least i can feel it. although i wept, at least i had tears. i never really understood his presence till i wondered if he was there. he was. just quiet.

the year has been difficult. i found peace in being allowed to serve. given to me i think as a way to keep what little bit of sanity that remains.

visions of grandeur and wonder. over thought and over played...as usual.

as i look back on the years events, rather than chaos, i find purpose. i was told that once. "i need you to find purpose in this." i have. it mattered.

can't really say what happened for the clouds and fog to clear. i lost some things, issues, attitudes, friends, part of myself along the way. seems to be part of the purpose. i found a trueness inside a team of guys, a fear of loss, an understanding of my own arrogance, a loving community, an acceptance and honesty.

we have always been willing to be used and go anywhere for the one we serve. but this time, i actually made myself think...this one is for me. we are doing this for me and my hopes and dreams, my future, my ability. not so much.

i am ready. clear headed. still abit unsure, but ready. sword drawn, heart rate elevated a bit, skin cooled by the breeze, excited about what comes. ready to face my own frailty and fear. ready to swing on the next attempt at falling back.

darkness and discontent. not so much anymore.

28 thoughts from 28 years with 1 woman

2009-02-09T13:51:00.003-05:00

Feb 14 is the 28th anniversary of my marriage proposal to my wife Sheri. as scattered, here are a few thoughts that have been running through my mind...

1. wow! 28 years! guess we proved them wrong huh babe?

2. as rough as it was early, it is that much better now.

3. it scares me how bad i suck with out you.

4. it is gonna be fun getting old(er) with you.

5. i love watching you with the grand kids. your eyes sparkle as you play with them, and they chase you around.

6. the way you look at me moves me deeply.

7. you still can't drive.

8. you are now a better cook than my mother...have been for a while. don't tell her.

9. it has been cool to watch you grow. you are not afraid of life anymore.

10. i enjoy being with you.

11. i love hearing you laugh.

12. i am still convinced you make up stuff i did not say.

13. you have always been a good mother.

14. "when you are around you take my blues away"

15. i wish i could give you more jewelry, although you have never asked for any.

16. you are an example of a good friend. others are seemingly drawn to you.

17. you have always been supportive. even when you did not have to.

18. it has always amazing to walk into a room with you.

19. when i pick you up from work, i love it that you smile when you see the car.

20. thank you for the memories.

21. i will never forget the first time i kissed you.

22. what do you want for supper tonight?

23. thanks for being loving about how i lost all that time at church, and reminding me not to do it again.

24. i like watching you sleep.

25. you smell good.

26. there has been lots of pain in our lives. but if changing that would change who we are now, then i would not change anything.

27. when we get old(er) and retire, i am not going to let you drive.

28. i love you Sheri. i love you more now than ever. i love being married to you, i love that you are truly my best friend, i love how you take care of me when i am sick, how you make me feel like a man, how you understand me, how you know me, i love how you love Jesus, i love how you wake me up in the morning...but mostly, i am still in love with you.

lip service.

2009-02-04T22:30:00.002-05:00

for several weeks, our life group has been going through a series called "they like Jesus, but not the church." by dan kimble.

the discussion tonight was especially needed and welcome.

we have a wide variety of people in our group, as we have had the blessing to have in the last few years. it is what we do, and have done. living life together, sharing, learning, enjoying life.

is the church homophobic?

well, the answer we came away with is yes.

the discussion was well represented and well thought out. it all changed for me when i realized a few years ago that along with the word homosexual, came a lot of baggage, lot of fear, lot of judgement and a lot of condemnation.

people matter to God. they always have. people who are pursued, loved and made in his image. in reality, we came to understand that people are loved no less for their sexual orientation than a recovering addict (which i am), a liar (which i am), a thief (which i have been), a racist (which i was), an idolater (which we all have been), or an arrogant Pharisee.

the problem is that we have placed ourselves above others and have not taken on a reflection of who Jesus has commanded us to be. while not condoning any known sin, we realized the sad thing is that we are even having the conversation. when Jesus invades a persons life, he does what he does, makes us new. celibacy is no difference in this situation than in a heterosexual lifestyle, and we don't look at that with disdain.

sexuality should not define who we love nor who we extend the grace of Jesus to. nor should race, creed, religion, hair color or class.

we all realized our lack of compassion at one point or another, lack of understanding at why we are the way we are, sadness at the church's treatment of people in general who are different from the "normal" definition of a christian.

forgiveness. grace. mercy. love. acceptance. these are words that define our Lord Jesus. these same words should define his children...the same children who bear his name, his likeness, his mission. how dare us demand they, these who are labeled for a specific sin, come to Christ in any way but as they are, in need of a savior. it is his responsibility to do with sin as he will in the lives of his children. it is our call to treat them as he does...the same as he treats us.

it was not our mission to solve the theological battles that rage on between scholars and teachers of scripture. nor was it our mission to sweep sin away like a pile of sand. it was not our purpose to change the entire view in which we are seen as judgmental, backward, unforgiving people who are not aware of changing times. it was not our plan to develop a statement to apologize for actions of people who hate people.

it was our desire to see where we have failed to love others and decide to change ourselves as we advance the kingdom of God as lovers of his Son, and reflections of his glory.

we all agreed on that.

you want some of this?

2009-02-02T13:52:00.004-05:00

prepping for a talk at the local college. had thought prayer would be the discussion and emphasis, and still may be. but today, my thoughts have been on Phi 3.

i have at times, pursued Christ like a child wanting a cool drink on a hot summer day. other times it has been like a "cocaine addict" messy and helpless. others still, like a minister, seeking some kind of insight for a text i would be teaching on. fear has been a motivation to seek, as has guilt.

but in all my years, as much as i desired, as many times as i may have said it, i have not sought to share in the sufferings of Christ.

i read through Phil 3 earlier. and the text jumped off the page and kicked in the lock i had placed on my heart. i saw it there. in the midst of these words i had seen and heard so many times, the passionate love one man has for his God.

don't get me wrong. i have a love for Him. but it occurred to me today that the courtship that had taken place seemed to have become safe and comfortable. the seeking for just a glimpse of his face had turned into a nice, pleasant affair that was ok...but not all or nothing.

not gonna get all theological here. someone else can do that. that has left me bored and without love for people. especially toward those who need more than theology. what i will get is the fire of a courtship that had beckoned me from all i have and ever wanted. it is certainly not that theology is bad, but the discussion of theology had left me with a faith that had turned inward.

never suffered for faith. i have had people in my life suffer illness, lost loved ones, had difficult things to deal with. but not for the glory of God and the gospel. even now, i am not sure what it would mean to share in Christ's sufferings.

but i do know this. what i have, and there is not much, i surrender it. indeed, that all i am and all i desire would be given for the unsurpassed worth of knowing Christ, and be found in him. what ever that means.

kinda funny how things become simple when we get older.

the face of worship

2009-01-26T20:41:00.002-05:00

i have a cousin named Terry. he is about 50-53 years old. he lives in an institution. Terry has down syndrome. i grew up having terry around all the time. i knew he was different, even as a small kid, but he is family. it was no big deal.

terry had a great laugh, but when we messed with him, he would jack us up. i miss him, even now as i write this...i see his face, remember his voice. he could not say jeff, so he called me seff.

he went to church with us, loved church. he always cried. wept loudly at times. seemed to me he was responding to the holy spirit. he looked to me like he worshipped. he would sing along...well, he was actually singing his own song, and it was usually loud, often drowning out others around us, overlapping his verses, eyes closed and connecting. i will forever have that face etched in my mind.

terry was not supposed to live past 25 or so. he now has Alzheimer's. forgetting people, short tempered, closing himself off. needs structure now. regimen. it makes me sad really. although i miss him, i have not seen him in 5 years or so. i miss his smile, the way he would ask me for money, the bear hug he would give me, the singing. he loved elvis. he had a walkman he carried with him everywhere. singing. always singing. i probably wont see him again. i keep waiting for the call.

sat night, we went to our usual gathering of fellow believers for worship. great times, great music, great environment.

he sat right down front. a down kid. he was rockin the joint...air guitar, singing loud and completely off key. in a crowd of a couple thousand, he could not be missed. call it what you will, be he was connecting. full blown connection.

not sure what some saw. distraction maybe. not uncommon. it can be. when someone enters in to full on worship, it can be very distracting to non worshippers.

i know what i saw. i saw terry. his smile, his genuineness, his connection, his energy. i saw in this kid what i lack at times. a shameless loss of concern of what is around him. no cares, just connecting. i saw worship in this kids face. at that moment, special needs was what i thought of myself...not him. i needed a touch of what he had, because it was special.

i love you terry.

may my heart lose interest in those around me and that which would hinder.

thoughts from the journey.

motivation

2009-01-22T09:02:00.003-05:00

i asked myself this morning, why?

why have i spent all these years serving the church?
why am i so wanting to teach the truths of scripture?
why does small group ministry in our home matter so much to me?
why do i, an opinionated, slightly over weight, middles aged former youth minister really want to get involved in the spiritual issues and situations in the lives of others?
why?

the answer to that question has changed over the last few years, last few months even.

my dogmatic ways early on provided a means for me to confront the smallness of my, and our views of this great God we so non chalantly serve. loved to drop the God bombs, they were called by one, on upper middle class kids. dogma often is seen as passion. at least it was for me early on.

lately though, as i rethink everything in my life, i realized this...as good as i thought i was, as passionate and truthful as i thought i was being, my motivation was not an honest one. granted, i was told this several times, but always rationalized it away.

maybe it is because i am getting older.
maybe it is because i see the error of my arrogance.
maybe it is because i have been part of a systematic tearing down of individuals character and motives, all the while telling folks to love as Christ did.

or maybe, just maybe, ministry was not an avenue for my agendas, political views, meanness, judgemental attitudes toward people, career, denomination, or even service for the greater good

maybe, and this is where i am now, people really matter to God. while i have said that for years, i am not sure i actually believed it. if i did, my actions and words toward them would have been much different.

maybe my motivation was the message, and not the love for them that they would hear it.
maybe i missed the point. not totally, but partly.

in my life, now, people matter. if my words as a minister say love one another, and i don't...
if my words say invest in people and i don't...
if my words say serve one another, and i don't...
if my words say trust in his ways and not mine...and i don't...
if my words say accountability is important for you and there is none in my life...
if my words do not come from a forgiven heart, but expect others to forgive...
then my words are simply that. words. it does not matter how good a communicator i am, if i do not take into account that people matter to God, therefore they matter to me, then i am no more than that which i disdain...typical.

Lord, teach me to love as you do. may my life be a reflection of the love , grace, forgiveness, mercy and trust that you have given me. i don't wanna be that guy anymore. the guy that says one thing and lives another.
thanks for continuing to change me, and allowing me to be part of the process. may your word dwell richly in my life and heart.

thoughts from the journey

Understanding.

2009-01-20T12:19:00.002-05:00

i am a white man. born in the south. taught racism at an early age.
i have no clue what it feels like to be treated differently, negatively, because of the color of my skin. no idea how it feels to be turned away from a place of business, or restaurant because of my skin. no idea how it feels to be labeled based on my skin.

we have freely elected a black man as president of the united states of America. history was made. millions saw it happen live, millions more watched it on tv. history.

i did not vote for this black man.

i do support him.

several months ago, California voted against gay marriage. the folks who pushed so hard for that to pass have been the most despicable in their actions. pickets, nasty attitudes, means spirited shouts of hatred towards those who were responsible for the measure passing. called un-American, homo-phobic, Nazi's elite Christians and out of touch people who desire to beat down the wants of another.

not a pretty picture.

now that we have a black man as president, a Democrat, many who did not vote for him have taken on that same spirit of meanness, hurling Christianise at those who have found hope in his leadership, seemingly in continuing prayer to hold off the very hand of God to stop the coming annihilation of freedom as we know it.

not a pretty picture.

i saw hope today in the eyes of old black men and women. people who in their life time, could not eat with white folks, use the same water fountain, use the same restroom, walk on the same side of the street, shop in the same store, go to the same school, enter by the same door. hope in the eyes of young people, both white and black, not to have to go through what they did, but see the dream of their ancestors while a black man was inaugurated president.

i hope he has great success.
whether he fails or not, he should have our support.

i hope my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will not be the cause of division, but in awe of God pray for his leadership and the salvation of our country. may people look at us as followers of Christ, not anti Democrat, not anti gay, anti abortion, anti drinking...but pro love.

that is what Jesus would do.

The Look

2009-01-12T16:11:00.002-05:00

most of my life i have had the pleasure to live outside the camp. not a complete outlaw, but had had outlaw tendencies. my perspective has been tainted by years of drug abuse, followed by even more indulgent waves of grace.

i get to meet people all over the country, because of what i have been allowed to be part of. kids, teens, college, adults, old folks. all kinds of people remind me regularly that God is so outrageous with his love. we are all so different, so crazy, so independent, so dependent, so in need.

the edgy folks have had most of my attention through the years. with student ministry the skaters caught my eye. rebellious, anti authority, not accepted, always being told to leave. Tattoos, piercings, what ever. the expressions of people amaze me.

so i met this guy the other day. old school guy. been around a long time, loyal, faithful, old school.

he asked me what i did. i tried to make a joke, he did not find it funny, then told him of the plan to reach bikers through the church...using http://primalfaith.net a curriculum we are trying to develop. I told him the status has left these folks out of the conversation. as i finished my sentence, he looked at me, then turned away.

did i just get the look? i asked my self...the look of disdain from a fellow laborer? i felt so disrespected. it took me by surprise, off guard.

i laughed it off. then, realized how selective we really are as a faith community.

funny. i got the look when i was a junkie, a thief, and outside the faith community. i got it because most folks did not bother to look past that. natural response actually. people like that scare us.

but when those kinds of people...junkies, tattooed folks, rough, raw, junkies find Christ, the look is supposed to disappear...should have never been there actually, right?

the look just made me realize how important it is that i remember all people are made in his image. all people need Christ's love. all people are in need of a saviour. like me.

glad Jesus looked at me. and this guy reminded me of it.

role models and Nirvana

2009-01-09T12:38:00.002-05:00

so it is 2009, and i have, against my better judgement, decided to resolve to eat better and exercise. so far so good.

the other day, Sheri and i go to the gym to do our daily routine. my favorite place to do the tread mill is the "theater room". BA screen and ESPN. or, at least that is what is supposed to be on.

this particular day, i get saddled up and look up and i am surrounded my 15 women all watching Oprah. and my luck? she is talking about getting healthy for the new year.

we need role models. we need people in our culture that reflect right living, faith and diligence. but give me a break! Oprah as a weight loss role model? i may be wrong, but she is the one who has shrunk and ballooned up more times than a hot air balloon...right? i get the fact she desires to empower women, but the fact we all seem to give a crap about listening to her about weight loss when she cant seem to get it right, just freaks me out a bit.

i walked and listened as she encouraged her listeners to "put themselves back on their priority lists."

anyone else kinda think that is why we are so jacked up as a country? we have all BEEN on our priority list. that is why we are fat and selfish. i say that, cause i am fat and selfish.

it reminded me of a song by Nirvana, Smells like teen spirit

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

hello, how low?
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now Entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Yeah

And I forget
Just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind

heard some conversation about church the other day.
people want what they want. mostly relief from life, and what is left, some flavor. so we add Jesus like salt. it tastes like the American Dream.

no sacrifice, no giving.
just taking and entertainment.
like a fat guy at the buffet. gorging myself because i can.

here we are now, entertain us.

as the Gospel becomes about making me number 1 on my priority list, the hole in our hearts grows and is endlessly filled with object of my affections...me.

not sure if Jesus ever told us to become a priority so as we could find balance.

thoughts from the journey.

Strangers, marriage, K-Mart and Christmas

2008-12-23T19:55:00.000-05:00

i am the kinda guy that does not follow the crowd. if it is popular, i tend to stay away from it, just because of its popularity. after all, who wants to be a sheep all the time.

kinda like that with Christmas celebration. i hear people who talk about christmas and what it has become. truth is, it has not become anything different than it has been for years. we just see it now...finally.

today, Sheri and i go to the local pharmacy for refills and such. standing there looking out the window, a man walks up. "30 years. that is how long my wife and i have been together. 2 kids grown, moved out and we have no decorations up. thinking about buying this Charlie brown tree, just to have some sense of holiday spirit."

me too, i respond. 27 years for me, both kids out and gone.

"conrats", he says..."so you made it too!" all this as he takes a small tree off the shelf and knocks down a display. Merry Christmas he says.

yea, i guess i have. made it.we are celebrating by chillin, eating, and laughing.

later, we pulled into K-Mart and while i am pulling into the parking lot, this older lady curses me. She is in the wrong. she cut me off. i sat there...smiled.

yea, we made it.

the meaning of christmas has been the debate of the masses for years. for me, a long time it was about regaining the thoughts of innocence of childhood, the wonder and magic of santa and gifts.
when kids came along, it became about creating that for them. when they had kids, the same thing.

now that we are here, and not with the kids or grandkids, it seems i am forced to deal with reality. and reality is that with the occasional dose of spirituality, most of my Christmases have been about what i can get, what i can give, and mostly being with those who i love. and for the life of me, that does not feel wrong.

Jesus never told us to remember his birth. but the birth of a baby like Jesus calls for celebration and remembrance.

so. i remember his birth, and remember it was because we are stained with sin (from David Ashcraft) that he was born, and it was the removing of that stain that he died.

from my family to yours, enjoy the celebration of the birth of Christ. but remember he grew up, and told us to remember his death.

Celebrating the Winter Solstice...Pagan Style

2008-12-21T12:59:00.002-05:00

had a lot of plans for the holidays. planned on takin this trip through Florida...seeing kids, grandkids, family and friends. it was a good plan.

certain things were going to get accomplished. reconnecting was to happen, and we would finish up in Gatlinburg TN, speaking to a group of kids about the "Warrior Lifestyle." it was a great plan.

last min stuff happened, reality set in, and what seemed like a great plan all went the way of the flush.

now, for the first time in 26 years, my bride and i will spend the holidays together, away from all family. no decorations up (well, we do got a candle and a mini stocking with a candy cane in it), no tree, no family...immediate any way. what we do realize is plans seldom seem to go as i want, never have actually. while we miss the kids and grandkids, we are enjoying our time together. and while family may be far away, we have friends we are learning to love and enjoy our time with.

the days are shorter, and the weather is colder. it snows here...3 times so far. the traffic is ridiculous, and regardless of where you live, people are idiots when they drive. some lady tried to flip me off yesterday, but i think her niceness would not let her. she gave me 2 fingers rather than 1. prolly means a lot worse as well.

so rather than get christmas sappy, rather than remind everyone the world is getting worse and worse, rather than blame our president elect for the coming apocalypse, rather than complain about what holiday greeting to use, rather than fall in line with the goose steppin right wingers, rather than throw stones at prop 8 haters, rather than put statues of the manger scene up, rather than turn a celebration of love into a scream fest...

from my family, to yours...

"screw it, let's ride!"

last night...i worshiped.

2008-11-09T11:29:00.002-05:00

so, in the midst of this life, i have been allowed audience in the throne room of our great God. there has been many with me at times, others only a few. but have been blessed to have been there.

last night, we gathered with about 2000 of my closest friends. we sang songs of great love, of great salvation, of great mercy, of great faith, of great healing...of his greatness. we sang we worshiped, we raised our hands and pledged our undying love and allegiance to Him.

it was simply...amazing.

for a brief moment, there was no idle chat about difficulty, about politics, about pain, about economic woes, about foreclosures, about jobs...the aroma of worship filled the room. as best i could, in my own backwoods way, i flung myself on the altar and sked him to accept my boold drenched sacrifice. i would not leave untill there was acceptance and i was consumed. there was no disapointment.

worship spilled out into a restaurant as we were invited spur of the moment to dine with some friends as a birthday was celebrated. friends talking, laughing, enjoying who we are.

it is on my mind this morning as i hear of difficulty in yet another church setting. pain is rampant, people unsettled and confused, families hurting and the once clear path of the future is now filled with haze and uncertainty.

i know what it feels like to be tossed aside, left outside the party, not part of the group, outsider, sinner, thief, addict, liar. when i was these things, it was expected to feel pain, rejection and fear.

i also know what it feel like to be inside, and still not part, treated as typical, told you are not what we need, although your gifts are good for a particular kind of people...on the team but not suited up to participate, in the room with the varsity, and yet knowing i was JV.

through all these life situations i have learned to comfortable in my own skin. could care less about what i do not have, or who i don't know, or know for that matter. i rub people the wrong way, like a rusted piece of metal brushing up the skin. it may cut you, annoy you, but prolly wont kill you. just enough displeasure to know that it is there.

all this is said to get to this...through all the life changes, disappointments, growth opportunities, and failures...one thing has remained steadfast and immovable in my life. Him. Jesus. and through all that junk, even now, worship is that place where i lose myself.

just for a glimpse...a glance, a touch of that garment that seems so elusive.

i will not settle for anything less.

not sure what you did last night. if you had discussions over the ramifications of your political stance, or if you waded deep into the fear of financial loss, or if you wept over hunger in the world, or if there was little thought or opportunity to involved. either way, you, me, us...we all occupied our time with something. trivial or full of impact.

me? last night...i worshiped.

my messy faith

2008-11-07T22:48:00.003-05:00

got this from my dear friend Lisa. She is a magnificent writer and follower of Jesus. find her here http://theuprising.typepad.com/ be careful. you may not leave as you arrived.

but i claim it, not as the writer, but the reality of the words in my life. while beautiful, my faith journey has been difficult, messy and downright dirty. there is nothing slick and clean about full sacrifice. blood spews out on everything, drenches the receiver as well the sacrificed.

"I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - No.Mine is a much messier quest. I'm courting Him like a cocaine addict - counting worthless & selling off anything that stands between having what I seek.... Scouring the deep recesses of all my comfort zones for any remnant of change that may have slipped between the cushions... every penny counts & everything that is mine is handed over that I might apprehend Him, know Him, walk in the pleasure of His presence, & in His resurrection life... Even if it means fellowshipping with suffering.

Here, anchored in the sweat & snot & tears & shakes of a morning 'episode' .. my longing overtakes my logic & reason. I curse my brokenness, swear through a vow, & hand over all my gods & goods for another sight of His face, his heart, His soul... Him.I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - This morning my Philippians 3:7-12 is a much, much messier quest - I court Him like a cocaine addict."

because of my messy pursuit, my life and thoughts are a little more raw, little harsh, little blunt. because i am an former addict, this resonates deep. it affects my views on life, religion, politics, and even worship. it affects how i live, my laugh, my passion, my thought.

some are slick, pretty even, romantic in their pursuits. mine is more of a tear soaked, finger nails dirty from grasping at the ground as i lay face down in the dirt and try to peer upward. completely drenched with the blood of not only His sacrifice, but, mercy like rain poured over me. screamin not for material wealth, nor hoping for comfort, or health or safety. screaming for just a glimpse of his greatness from my cleft in the rock. reachin upward to take hold of his hand and willing to go, do, and be what ever it is my willingness and his grace and direction can take me.

thanks L, for saying what i have felt. this, and so much more.

messy. but oh so beautiful.

What if???

2008-11-05T08:09:00.001-05:00

what if...

the "christian right" had spent as much time praying for Bush as they did praying against Obama if George would have been less of an idiot.

all the evangelicals bottle up the anti Obama sentiments and put it toward talking about Jesus to folks?

being politically informed had nothing to do with claiming the other side was evil, the anti Christ, and actually believing that Jesus was the head of your party?

the money spent by evangelicals for the election went to their local churches as a tithe?

justice really was an issue we all would get behind?

the church treated those who were not ideologically the same, were treated with love and respect?

we stop using the pulpit to promote politics and start loving the nominal in our society?

we heard from evangelicals on love issues, rather than every 4 years about political issues?

we loved people away from abortion, rather than standing there with a sign of a dead baby?

the media would show an evangelical actually worshiping, and their face did not look like they were in pain from hemorrhoids?

we, as the body of Christ, actually get behind the agenda of Jesus and live outside our walls?

we stopped being the reason people are leaving the church?

the opportunity to be grace givers wins out over brow beaters?

we celebrate the fact that our country has just elected the first black man as president in history, and stop whining about what we really don't know or have control over?

we replace all the time we spent talking about, condemning, judging, being arrogant over the election and its candidates, in prayer and fasting over holiness and acceptance of people?

we really understand that the church as we know it has lost her voice in the public market place. and maybe we need to return to our roots as an underground movement full of life changed Jesus followers?

we act as how the rest of the country sees us. arrogant, judgemental, loveless, separatists,
argumentative, antagonists, hypocritical, the same, talking heads as we ever were?

we embraced the fact that there are more people, more money, more church buildings, more conferences, more self help books, more or everything EXCEPT new followers of Christ, as a challenge to invade our culture with an infusion of Jesus?

nothing changes...and we just sit by and complain. again.

What i like about you...

2008-10-26T22:18:00.002-04:00

had a moment the other day when it hit me.

i love church.

through the years i have realized that even when i struggled with my place, my purpose, lack of leadership, difference of idea, strategy...all these issues, my love for the bride has really never been shaken.

the connections we have made remain pure and wondrous. even now, after 6 months, we love it here, it really feels like home. and for us, home is where we are.

the bride still amazes me. made up of people who are different, carrying agenda, afraid, not transparent, doubters, sinners, saints, liars and leavers, righteous, holy, truth seekers, lost, far from God, and followers of the way. she is truly my delight.

all this came in a moment when i saw 2 people who i had never met. they smiled and said "hello, we are so glad to see you today."

she is beautiful in all her ways, the vehicle He has chosen to change the world. full of moderns, post-moderns, emergent, traditional, contemporary, liturgical, old school, and new school. marvolous, and full of opportunity and power. the very hand, feet and heart beat of the great God of Israel.

yea, i love her.

thoughts?

amish road blocks

2008-10-10T16:59:00.003-04:00

been a while since i posted anything. not sure who follows, if you do, sorry.

this past month has been a bit freaky. best way to describe it would be darkness. it settled in, and i found it difficult to feel my way through it. heavy, like an old blanket from grandmas house. heavy, and familiar.

light has returned and there is a sense of ease now.

today was a great day. had lunch with a friend, and lost myself in the countryside. rode miles and miles. soaking in the beauty, lifting my face toward the sun, enjoying the warmth on my face, and like a plant who needed water, life began to return. i rode for miles and miles.

today was also my first "cant get around the Amish horse and buggy cause the road was real curvy" day. so rather than try and rush, i lost myself in this thought. simplicity.

when the road straightened out, i slowly pulled around, caught the old man eye, and we both waved. he with his long beard and hat, sitting in a God knows how old buggy being pulled by a single horse, and me, sitting atop about 110 horses...who i like to call Mavis.

i watched him as he disappeared in my rear view mirror, and wondered about his life. i became envious of him to a point. he probably gets up at the but crack of dawn, works hard each day, living in simplicity with his family. the economic crisis is prolly not as important as it is to me, gas prices most likely did not enter into his mind, nor did the housing market.

me, i lust for an iPhone, bigger, faster computers, heated clothing for my winter rides, more money in the bank, lower gas prices and a new Harley. not sure i am very excited about how my life has become about stuff.

i am thankful for an old guy in a buggy who slowed me down a bit today. thankful for the beauty of a fall day and a PA countryside that displays the glory of a great God. thankful for life and family. thankful for a hope and freedom that will not be denied, no matter how hard i try.

yea, Amish road blocks. did i mention that the by product of a horse driven buggy?

a bit unsettled...

2008-09-08T22:56:00.003-04:00

i read something i have read over a hundred times i guess. but today, it jacked me up...read the following.

1 Sam 4:1-4 Thus the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out to meet the Philistines in battle and camped beside Ebenezer while the Philistines camped in Aphek. 2 And the Philistines drew up in battle array to meet Israel. When the battle spread, Israel was defeated before the Philistines who killed about four thousand men on the battlefield. 3 When the people came into the camp, the elders of Israel said, "Why has the LORD defeated us today before the Philistines? Let us take to ourselves from Shiloh the ark of the covenant of the LORD, that it may come among us and deliver us from the power of our enemies." 4 So the people sent to Shiloh, and from there they carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts who sits above the cherubim; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God. NASB

what through me is this...the lost was not blamed on the philistines, but attributed to the Lord as Him defeating them. in their eyes, the enemy did not then nor ever matter, they as a culture had come to know that the battle was the Lords.

of course they sent for the Arc of the covenant...it was the ace in the hole, their secret weapon, their confidence. but this time, there was sin to be dealt with. so the people lost a great loss that day.

not because of the Philistines, but because of their sin.

here is my point.

where did we lose that mentality towards God? when did it begin to matter what the Battle was, or the enemy? when did wins, losses, victory, success become part of our deal and not Gods?

what unsettles me is the way in which we view Holy God. as part of our lives...our weekend, our answer to struggles, but not as they viewed Him or the ark. when the ark showed up, the people had faith, had courage had hope.

i am working through this. trying to bring together the two cultures. trying to bring together the unchanging God with the fulfillment of the Law. trying to deal with this unsettled feeling when i read this. we explain away so much with personal experience. it becomes almost an excuse.

somethings cannot be explained that way.

this great God who is other than, fully holy, fully love, fully merciful, full forgiving, full of wrath...punisher of sin, yet we seem to have taken on some of His duties, so that we can explain away the fact we have become the object of our own affection.

this God who wraps himself in light, chases his enemies into the darkness, does not leave the guilty unpunished, supports his children, seeks out those who love him and blesses them, has plans for their prosperity...yet

his own children knew it was not the philistines who won the battle, but the Lord their God defeated them because of their sin.

for some reason yet to be determined, this jacked me up today. i guess maybe i just needed to sit in the reality of a God other than my ways for a bit. before i reason away my attitudes. before i try and dumb down truth so others can make it taste good and digest easily.

i dont want easy answers. i want to know this God. in all aspects he will allow. even so Lord.

Vision and not so much.

2008-09-07T21:41:00.002-04:00

i always look forward to going to worship. seldom in my years have i not looked forward to it...except this time when we were...never mind.

anyway, today, our pastor talked to us about where the church started, when it started, and why it started. their thought was to create a place where people who did not normally go to church would want to come, so they could experience connections and encounter God. to teach in ways that actually met people where they were, real life. imagine that. thinking that jesus would actually be concerned with our situation, our pain, our fear.

they have stayed true to that vision from day one. he explained why. he explained what had been, and he explained what was coming.

we have all heard "with out vision, the people perish."

let me add that with true, passionate vision that is talked about, worked out in front of and with the staff and the invitation of the people to own it and come along with God to accomplish it...the people become intoxicated.

i sat there and almost wept at the simplicity of doing what God tells us to do and being surrounded by 2600 people who had come there originally because some one asked them to come.

i thought of what it meant for me to pour my life into a vision for the sake of being part of the body. not because i work there, not because it is my job to support the work of the church and the denomination...but because it was intoxicating.

i was pulled in by the Spirit and engaged and challenged to be part of a huge work. a simple work. an important work. a God work.

so i'm in. all in. having lusted in my spirit to be part of such team working vision casting, it seems sweeter just to be on the outside looking in.

something cool is going on here. www.lcbcchurch.com and i want to look back and say i was asked to help out and i did..all for the glory of God.

not so much in some places. when we were looking for a church to serve in, a pastor from another church who told me not to go there. "all they do is have a rock show for half hour, a 15 min sermonette, and they call that church." so i left there and drove over. tell me not to go somewhere is a sure way to get me to go.

what we have found is people with courageous leadership, passion for people...they actually like the people who come there, visible characteristics of Jesus and focus.

who knows what will happen, where we will end up. but for now, we are plugged in and serving. not because we had to settle...but because we get to part of what God is doing.

my prayer is that you never settle for where you worship, but that you would find, create, and be involved with vision. true vision. not maintenance, not the same ole junk, not someone who does not get the reality of life and speaks from personality. but genuine Jesus filled vision.

Why I ride a Harley

2008-09-05T14:06:00.002-04:00

This is my Harley. I have named her Mavis. after Mavis Stapelton of the Stapleton singers. just for the way she sang "I'll Take You There." an old spiritual they made in the 70's i think.

in this picture, we are about to enter the famed Monument Valley in Utah and AZ. She is pack up and ready to go.

Mavis takes me there, whether it is to the cigar shop, Church, across the counrtry, mountain ranges, deserts or even to the local store. 24000 miles in 13 months. you figure out why i like it so much.

but why i ride is kinda complicated. the way i feel, the attitude...or maybe the marketing that is aimed at me.

"America, Please don't buy a Harley because it gets 50 MPG. MPG describes riding like biology describes sex. History has shaped this tank, not the whims of foreign oil. American workers pour their soul into it.
Let's chase sunsets whether gas is 6 bucks or 6 red cents.
let's ride to parties like rock stars.
Let's fill the tank that gives back more than we put in.
So Screw it, Let's Ride! Harley Davidson.

this pretty much sums it up, says it like i would, with attitude and a smirk across my face.
when the wind is in my face, the bugs are in my teeth, or the rain is soaked me to the bone.

i ride. i don't just got the shirt...i got the Harley.

so. let's ride!

face time

2008-09-01T21:58:00.002-04:00

i get glimpses of her smile through out the day. not always the same place or even the same smile. but definitely the same face.

she whispers her love for me each morning to rouse me from my slumber, often waking me from dreams of looking at her.

as i stumble out like a drunkard from a hard night sleep, she greets me with a smile like she has not seen me in years.

it is always with expectancy that she looks at me, knowing that i am hers and she is mine.

i am confident that God has allowed me this great love to have a small understanding in how he loves me and pursues me.

as i seek his face, he shows me his love through her. as deep calls to deep, as he covers me like the waves of water, so her love causes me to ponder the wonder of such a gift.

face time. hers leads to his.

and all they could come up with as a name for this great experience was marriage. dont quite cover it. need to get a new word.

Porn Stars and Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

2008-08-27T11:49:00.003-04:00

why is it that when the press, or anyone for that matter refers to someone who is involved in the adult film industry, they are referred to as a porn star?

there is no other profession that just by being involved you are called a star.

i guess no one wants to be called a porn associate, or porn helper, or porn back up, or porn stand in, or porn bench sitter, or porn addicted, or porn ruined my marriage, or porn caused me to devalue women, or porn demeans sex and women and porn stars need Jesus. or porn sells more at religious conventions than any other, or how porn is killing pastors.

on another note...

i was listening to the radio the other day and heard a song by kid rock. All summer long.

the song is a walk down memory lane that lead me back home. it was like he was singing about my days as a kid in the south.

It was 1989, my thoughts were short my hair was long
Caught somewhere between a boy and man
She was seventeen and she was far from in-between
It was summertime in Northern Michigan

Ahh Ahh AhhAhh Ahh Ahh

Splashing through the sand bar
Talking by the campfire
It's the simple things in life, like when and where
We didn't have no internet
But man I never will forget
The way the moonlight shined upon her hair

[Chorus:]And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long

Catching Walleye from the dock
Watching the waves roll off the rocks
She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We'd blister in the sun We couldn't wait for night to come
To hit that sand and play some rock and roll

NOw nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change Or how we thought those days would never end Sometimes I'll hear that song and I'll start to sing along And think man I'd love to see that girl again Kid Rock

so i am singing along, thinking back to the good ole days, drinking, getting high, having sex, and skipping school.

then it hit me.

there was nothing about those days that honored God, or me. i was selfish, pretty much a drunk and a dope head, disobeyed my parents and took advantage of girls who were created in Gods image.

it takes me back. but those days were neither innocent, nor were they good. i was a sinner and needed a saviour. thankfully he found me.

funny what music does to us. funny how we think innocence when sin seems fun.
funny how we think Grease was a family movie.
funny how Gun Smoke was an example of family values, when miss kitty was a pro in a saloon.
funny how porn decided the hd dvd and blue ray battle.
funny how we see things.

singing sweet home Alabama all summer long.

Life, or something very similar...

2008-08-13T07:28:00.005-04:00

been thinking about journey lately. got some new friends who are in the oven of faith, old friends who are struggling with issues, we are in the midst...

for me, i am walking in some what of an interesting thought. where i am is where i prayed to be, but it is not what i wanted, nor is it where i wanted. but it very well may be what i needed and where i need to be. faith determines my response to that.

somewhere along the line, i realized that we are all...

dealing with faith, how to rely, how to determine, how to grow, how to keep from stagnating.

i am not sure there is any thing other than faith. it either is or it is not. i put cool words on it like primal, hard core, weak, strong, shaky. but faith is faith. we all got it (each man was given a measure of faith). some do greater things with their faith because they rely on it, work it, know it...or know him.

when upheaval arrives, i tend to shut down and concentrate on the situation. when Jesus came down from the mount and the other disciples had not been able to cast out the demon, he told them "this one comes out by prayer and fasting." then he cast it out and all was well.

notice...Jesus did not stop and pray, nor did he go on a micro fast to make his point.

his life was all about prayer, all about fasting. Why? prep for what ever came along.

i wonder if we became all about communion with God, not just like it, but like it and breathe it,

i wonder if we were all about fasting in prep for what ever came our way, i wonder if we truly sought after God rather than his gifts and what he could do in times of need?.!

what if a situation came up that required life change moves, redirection, relocation, purchases, sickness...what if we never broke stride because we were walking and talking in Jesus and we responded from the relationship we have, rather than shutting down and laser directing our faith toward that one issue?

theory?

it should be life.

maybe we are living a similar form of life but denying the power that lies in an exchange of life. mine for his.

Kill it.

2008-08-10T21:42:00.004-04:00

for about a year now, i have been in serious prayer, some fasting, much travail, many tears and much frustration over getting where i am today. needless to say, it does not look anything like i thought it would. it looks better.

i laid it all on the line, walked away from security, ministry as i knew it, job, safety...left it all for this ministry i believed God was leading me to.

it consumed me.

today i killed it. gave it up for Him. not to impress him, but to get him. i finally understand what Jim Elliot meant by his statement...

"I said a strange prayer today. I prayed that God would magnify himself in me to the utmost, or slay me. By his grace i will not have his second best."

who the freak talks like that?

i no longer count my life as dear to myself.

what i wanted was not what i wanted. what i asked for was not what i needed.

what i got was what i needed. ask seek knock. not for something to do, that seems to come naturally. ask seek knock for him.

not sure what is to come for primal faith. what ever it is, will be by Him for Him and in Him.

the way He wanted it the whole time.

death aint pretty. kinda messy, kinda barbaric. but God has always been kinda barbaric about death. first he demanded the death of animals, then his son, now from us.

what ever it is that would keep you from knowing him, no matter how dear, no matter how you may think it is THE end result. kill it. lay it on the altar.

I have been crucified with Christ. it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. the life i now live in the flesh, i live by faith in the one who loved me and gave himself for me.

caught in a trap.

2008-08-05T11:31:00.004-04:00

cant really put words to it, but the transformation that has overtaken me has been amazing.

each morning i have the privilege to read scripture over my wife, and our relationship has become more Christlike.

i have spent time thinking over what i missed in ministry because of my view that theology was the goal and not loving God and loving people. i came away from those thoughts turning to anger and sadness. angry that i left out and did not let affect me what it truly means to be loved by God.

sad that from all of about 40 ministers i worked with in 13 years (all staff, not just pastors) there were about 7 who ever asked me about what Jesus was doing in my life, how my family was and where i was spending time in scripture. sad because mostly what we talked about was doing church, trying to figure out how we can get the sheep to become like the shepherds. after all, we knew what they needed. rather than God invading their lives.

my heart has broken over my lack of true love and acceptance of people. people created in His image. even to the point of talking down to folks in certain situations.

i repent.

truth is, we all come into situations all idealistic. have not met a minister that was not idealistic at one point. desirous of meeting people, loving them, changing the status quo, challenging kids and their parents. we soon realize that we play down to our surroundings and loose zeal for the ideal. it must be about more than love...right? it has to be more about what i say each week. this is why we do the same thing, wondering why volunteers are not plenty, wondering why commitment is lacking, wondering why tithes are weak, wondering what to next to get them in to hear what i have to say. after all, that is the most important thing. what i have to say. no invasion, no community change, no evidence of that in my own life, how can i speak it into the lives of others?

i repent.

this week i spoke to 2 students. one a former part of my ministry, who is 21 now and in a hard way. chose a life she now has to learn to deal with. burned bridges, parents cant trust her, yet all she needed was hope. she did not call to remind me of the awesome message i spoke on a wed night, or the camp we attended...she needed some one to listen. some one to tell her she was not alone. that she was loved.

the other was a child of a friend. home life in the toilet because of a dad who could care less and screams all the time. wanted to leave. she did not call casue she remembered the cool jokes i told, or the games or even the motorcycle ride. all she needed was hope. some one to listen, remind her Jesus was with her. hope. she needed to know she was loved.

hope from a man named Jesus who is always with them, and will never leave in spite of their circumstances.

they will never remember a message i spoke, only that there was a direction uncovered that gave hope.

i repent.

i learned this...

we are more like Jesus, love Jesus more, look more like Jesus, when we are put in situations where people need to know there is a God that truly loves them. they seldom remember what we say, but will always remember what we do when they are in need of a word, or a hug, or an ear, or just a bit of hope, or love. non judgemental unconditional Christlike love.

kindness leads to repentance. not theology. not philosophy. not judgement. kindness.

thank God for heart transplants.

the games people play

2008-08-02T12:12:00.002-04:00

we are fairly new to this area. we feel at home now, love the church we attend, and are settling into our smaller than before home.

when we first arrived, we met a couple that seemed a bit older than we are, if not in age, at least in actions. we had conversations about Harley's, he has one, so do i. talked about riding, talked about the country side. conversation led to church. their church was having a yard sale, if we wanted to get rid of our stuff...we were just moving in..

we were invited to join them in worship. they even came by to ask. told them we were checking out a certain church but we would love to worship with them.

after attending our current place of worship we believed God wanted us there to offer what gifts we have to help them. very clear.

the next conversation we had with this couple went a bit weird. "sorry we did not make it to your church, but we believe God wants us to serve here." told them where, they looked at each other smiled...kinda, then went on.

we see them now, and it is awkward.

funny. when we were possible church attenders with them, the conversation was enjoyable. now, just hello, and a smile.

i got to thinking about how we are as Christians. arrogant, judgemental and not kingdom minded.

we have relegated our worship experience to personal attendance with our group, our friends and our likes. taking nothing into account of kingdom perspective. if you are not like us, we really don't have much to say.

the interesting thing is this couple, Christians, never invited us to their home, never responded to our invitation to have a meal together, enjoy some fellowship as believers. it was like it became territorial.

sad really.

as God continues to make me into the image of His son, i see a wider angle, more peripheral vision, more clarity.

what if we missed the point all together when it comes to church?
what if our baggage determines our actions and we cant see the bags?
what if who we are is not different than who we were?
what if someone moves in upstairs and the creaking from the floor drives me crazy?
what if we just loved people first, then asked them about church later?
what if we just befriended people because it is what Jesus did, with no agenda for church?
what if they saw us, heard us first, knew we were different and out of that came church?
what if i got a dog and realized i was not ready for such a commitment?
what if we all just loved God and loved others?
what if we actually acted on all we believed?
what if we just stop playing games?

thoughts from a primal bohemian.

10 ways to know you are growing in Christ

2008-07-31T22:20:00.002-04:00

10. prayer becomes more than a 1 time a day deal.

9. scripture becomes alive. and personal.

8. worship happens more than once a week.

7. people matter.

6. formulas disappear. you realize who you are.

5. perspective changes.

4. joy is evident...even on bad days.

3. when sickness comes to you or family, or people you know, prayer is first thought.

2. people notice.

1. Jesus is the first and last thought of the day.

these are just a few obviously. but tonight, i had a huge headache. kinda messed up plans for the night. my wife did not hesitate in praying for me. the headache left.

it got me thinking about how she and i have grown in recent weeks. we decided we were not going to be typical believers. we wanted all Jesus had to offer.

he is coming through big time. all we risked...everything. all we did...obey.

funny how simple it is. but he told us it was like that. i love this stuff.

washing her with the Word

2008-07-29T14:09:00.003-04:00

this picture has nothng to do with the story...but it looks like Ava is saying "hmm, this popop guy is pretty awesome."

there has been some concern in my heart about my spiritual leadership with my wife. it seems that we have been on a valley hilltop deal for a while. one on the hill and other in the valley.

we both spend the time we should in the word and in prayer, but time together as a couple has always been difficult. there are reasons and excuses, but they don't seem to cut it.

she gets up at the butt crack of dawn, i stay up late. so what do we do?

i had a friend remind me of something a few weeks ago. 15 years ago someone spoke some wisdom into our lives we had walked with for a bit, but it never really took.

my prayer was God would wake me early so as to begin a new tradition. reading the word over my wife. no explanation, no discussions, just letting the word do what it does. wash us.

it was cool. it was amazing. it was intoxicating. very addictive. we sat in the presence of our magnificent God and were cleansed by his word.

taking my responsibility to disciple my wife seriously. not lording it over her, but taking her by the hand in honor and walking with her. so we both can be together at the same place at the same time.

should be cool.

mid life awakening

2008-07-27T22:18:00.002-04:00

i have heard stories how some guys get to their 40's and later and look back at their life and decide they have lost something. they leave their families, buy sports cars, have affairs, try and regain some glory fro a life they think they had as a high school kid, or college.

i am at that place.

i have looked back and what i have seen is the hand of a holy God leading, guiding and loving me into situations that have changed me.

becoming. that is the best way to describe it.

raw faith has come to rest in me. there is a communion that is intoxicating and captivating. he speaks when i wake, giving me thoughts for the day, what to read, what to think on, what to act on.

this God who has pursued me has become more than a visit to a church, more than a prayer, more. he is consuming me. and i am watching me burn.

no mid life crisis here.

more like an awakening, an understanding of what is at stake. lest we forget there is a battle raging.

mediocrity is no longer an option. passion has replaced apathy. i don't talk about how to do church, or how to get people to come so i can give them what i think they need...rather, i talk about the intoxicating presence of my father in everything.

my discussions involve action rather than theory. my prayer is with expectancy not duty.

somewhere along the line i became typical. i hate that word.

kiddie porn

2008-07-14T11:12:00.003-04:00

my oldest grand son came to visit for a few days. it is amazing how fast they grow, how much i miss them when they leave. we have 3 grandkids now. 2 boys and a girl. they all have popops heart. my desires for them are a God stretched, Jesus knowing, power filled life.

we spent the time riding, seeing and playing with trains.

here is his vice. thomas the train. the weird thing is all the videos, all the toys are old school stuff. wood trains.

apparently he knows each train, each situation, each job, each conversation from each show.

he had a blast while he was here. all things train, the least of which was this one.

i guess each generation has its vice. gi joe, care bears, my lil pony, cabbage patch kids, barbie, pokemon, now thomas.

amazing that a 4 year old knows so much about a kiddie show and toys.

the bible tells us to be "excellent in what is good, be innocent in evil." kids today know way to much about stuff that is evil. sex, drugs, drinking, std, just to name a few. it seems as though the thoughts have been reversed.

i pray for my grand kids each day. i pray for them to be excellent in what is good, and innocent in evil. i pray for their parents/ that they would begin dialogue early about the greatness and glory of God. the holiness and grace become part of their discussion when the kids are around. i pray they don't leave that to another...that they have to catch it at church.

passion for God is not caught, it is nurtured and delicately learned. learned from those who pursue God with passion. it is seen in action, heard in daily conversation. seen in the warrior spirit passed on from the father, developed in times of difficulty when they are reminded of what the stack of stones are for.

be a stone stacker. don't leave the most important discussions you will ever have with your kids to some one else.

Women, go figure

2008-06-18T22:33:00.002-04:00

every now and then, there are moments in a marriage that make some folks re think the whole deal. some times, these moments happen after years of build up and it finally spills over.

in my case, it happened this afternoon in a seemingly normal setting. my bike is in the shop getting serviced, so i had to take my wife to work, so i could use the car to attend a meeting.

after the meeting, a good meting by the way, with a man of vision and passion, rather than talking about doing church...we talked about God invading the lives of people...anyway, i digress.

after the meeting, i had to go get my wife. for me, the moment was when i saw her walking across the parking lot. she saw me and she smiled. she smiled all the way to the car.

at that moment, just one of thousands through our 27 year marriage, i knew i was with the woman God had created just for me. He knew her in her mothers womb. he knows the number of hair on her head. and he knew she would love me, and i would love her.

our roles have been reversed now. i stay home trying to get a new work going and she gets up and goes to work. not easy for my male machismo, not easy at all. but for her, she is full of grace and understanding, love and support.

when she smiles, i melt.

she smiles a lot.

things that make you go...

2008-06-14T20:53:00.010-04:00

so. today me and the wife go for a ride. checked out the local Harley store, took our time coming back. tooling along these beautiful twisty turny country roads in south central PA. popped over a hill and my worst nightmare is unfolding right in front of me. with out looking, a car shoots out of the driveway.

i lock her down, tires screach and we get sideways just a bit. the car stops. my lane...car, 1/2 the other lane...car. i lean hard to the left and get control, just barely making it past the car...the bumper of the car grazes the wifes pant leg, just missing us.

merciful is our God. not becaue we did not get killed, not becasue we made it through without damage, not because we were safe.

merciful is or God. because he reminded us at church tonight what matters.

loving God with every fiber of my being, and loving others.

not theology, not education, not who was wrong, not who was right. loving God and loving others.

i sat there tonight realizing that the love i should have given my kids when i was their youth pastor (my son and daughter), i gave to study and church. and truthfully, the love i owed God was given there as well.

time and efort given to another for what ever reason.

could have ate it today. could have been in a box, on a stretcher, in a bed, broken and banged up. then, all that would have mattered is did i love God, and did i love others. did my kids learn to lvoe God by my actions, by my words? will their love for their kids come from their love for God? what if my chance at teaching them is over? did i talk about Jesus enough to them? will they be like me? or will they take the time, savor the moment and sit and bask in the wonder that is our God.

funny. i needed this long ago. i spent way to much time on theology and not near enough time on love.

sure, i would say, God loves you, BUT...

no. God loves you, and he wants you to love him and love others. if wecan truley get that, i mean let it soak in our souls like a misty rain...everything we know, everything we think we know, everything would be different. the world as we know it would be different.

i am glad Jesus did not say " they will know you by you theology." cause they do, and that is why we are such a stench to non believers and believers alike.

i have not been know for my love.

but all that is about to change.

transition and covering.

2008-06-10T23:15:00.005-04:00

there has been nothing easy in my transition from student minister to writer.

the pressure at times has seemed heavy and stifling. all self inflicted i am afraid. but difficult none the less. i am not a writer, yet i have been called to write. getting over that is not easy, and i would like to ask you to pray for that.

trying to write like someone i am not, to be more polished, has been the biggest problem. tons of stuff written, but it looks and sounds like someone else wrote it...not cool...and not gonna fly. getting my personality on paper is a priority, but not losing that while the Holy Spirit is guiding my thoughts is the goal.

thus the struggle. allow the Spirit to speak through my words, not making my words into some one elses words, thus losing what makes me want to do this.

we now live in a beautiful area. right across the street from Mars chocolate co. more days than not it smell like cocoa. the other days, the aroma from the local farming industry is quite pungent. the mixture of the two when the wind blows just right can be quite invigorating.

for riding, it is wonderful. twisty and hilly roads with beautiful scenery.

met some cool folks at the local cigar shop. politics are the talk of the day, while watching the fox news channel. it is a cool place. i go over a couple times a week to chill and meet some local folks.

we have began the process of becoming involved at LCBC. Lives Changed By Christ. http://www.lcbcchurch.com/

seeker sensitive is not the best way to describe it, more like lost people friendly. in other words, everything they do as they plan each service and event is done with the intention of reaching lost people. biblical truth is preached with relevance and passion. possibly the best talk i have ever heard on there love of Jesus was given by the middle school pastor on Sat night.

we love it and have expressed our desire to get plugged in and used to teach. rockin worship, biblical talks, an enviornment of evangelism and vision that is before the people and inviting them to come along for the ride. we are excited about finding a covering while we are here.

2 years is a long time to be without community and worship. we shall not do with out either.

funny how i found the place. 2 weeks ago i went riding through the local communities and past by and got info from several churches. i met one pastor in the parking lot. he showed me around his church, and i asked him the spiritual dynamic in the area. he begins talking about various churches. tells me not to go out to LCBC (used to be called Lancaster county bible church) cause all i will get is 30 min of a rock show and a 10 min sermonette. no biblical foundation and very shallow.

well, you know me. tell me one thing, i will do another. i actually went out to the place and went in and got a tour by the office manager. we went to the newcomers class last night as an intro to how they do church, what their deal is. pastor ask us why we cam there, i raised my hand and told him...because some other pastor told me i shouldn't. would not find Jesus there. so i decided to check it out. he asked what did i find later. i told him Jesus.

hopefully, we hope to begin teaching a college life group soon, but we are open to using our giftedness where ever he desires. but we do believe it will be here.

Recap of the trip of a life time...

2008-06-02T08:14:00.003-04:00

here is a recap of the trip...location only, stories will follow...soon!

Jensen Beach FL to Lake Wales FL

Lake Wales FL to Gainesville FL

Gainesville FL to Lake Wales FL

Lake Wales FL to Charlotte NC

Charlotte NC to Graceville FL

Graceville FL to Leesburg FL

Leesburg FL to Gainesville FL (Porter is born)

Gainseville FL to Lake Wales FL

Lake Wales FL to Lucedale MS

Lucedale MS to Gainseville TX

Gainseville TX to Amarillo TX

Amarillo TX to Farmington NM

Farmington NM to Monument Valley Utah, Monument Valley AZ then to Kingman AZ

Kingman AZ (flat tire) to Tonapah NV

Tonapah NV to South Lake Tahoe CA

South Lake Tahoe Ca to Salina City Utah

Salina City Utah to Lamar CO

Lamar CO to Fort Smith AR

FT Smith AR to Statesville NC

Statesville NC (met Sheri) to Harrisonberg VA

Harrisionberg VA to Elizabethtown PA, where we currently have lived for 7 days. all these miles add up to 9800 miles on my bike alone since March 31. included in here are two flights from Orlando FL to Philadelphia PA to visit for 5 total days in April to see my wife.

i did not make it to the coast like i planned. my time in Tahoe was more important. my friends taught me a great deal while i was there and i felt it more important to stay there.

i also cut my trip short. i had planned on going across the top and seeing Rushmore and Sturgis, but i realized after i came through the Rockies, i missed my wife. from March the 10 till May 21, we had only seen each other for 5 days. i had had enough of that.

i have resolved to take a trip like this each year. hopefully i can take someone with me each time. sharing the ride with another person would have been great. we are blessed to live in a beautiful country. from deseerts, to mountain ranges, to lush praries. you owe it to yourself to go see it.

all in all, there are no regrets about the trip. it has inspired me to begin writing a book, which will be available, i am sure, sometime before my demise many years from now.

thanks for checking in!

my moment of zen

2008-05-29T08:33:00.002-04:00

i will write about the trip later, but for now there are some things i need to unload.

i have been unpacking boxes for 3 days now. funny, we have moved into a small apt, have no furniture (delivered next week), no bed (a blow up mattress). we have a desk, a desk chair and a foot stool. i have no where to put this stuff, yet i unpack.

i open a box of student ministry stuff. pics and albums of ALL 3 churches were there. i went through them all. smiled a lot.

when it was over, i became extremely sad. teary eyed i sat there and said out loud, "i can;t believe i am done with student ministry."

it was time to go. this new direction is where i want to be, and where God wants me to be. but the finality of NOT speaking to students each week, impacting their lives with the truth of scripture, seeing their eyes light up as they encounters God in the text...those days are over.

it was difficult to get past that. still not sure if i am.

there are 2 things pressing into my heart...

getting primal faith up and running by the end of june

starting a book that has been rattling around my heart for many years.

so...i will unpack the trip little by little. but thanks for sharing my moment of zen.

sunset on Lake Tahoe

2008-05-20T15:39:00.005-04:00

i was attending a mens group leadership meeting here as the sun went down...

alomst heaven.

we sat on the doc and talked about the greatness and glory of God...when we men become transparent and reflective of grace and mercy. we talked about the wonder of God who creates his resting place in us...

we talked

stuff from cali

2008-05-19T22:05:00.002-04:00

catching up from the road

2008-05-18T22:00:00.003-04:00

i am east of nashville tonight. my butt is tired but the ride has been great.

wanted to catch you up on a few things.

here is what i learned about life and faith from my primal friend Pat Baginski and his family.

theology is great, and i like to talk about it and dialogue over it. but when it comes to knowing the heart of your brother...it dont matter.

being there is important. more important that i realized.

knowing there is a brother there...always there, committed to being there gives a rest most do not know.

for the first time, i was envious of a fathers relationship with his kids. i love my grown kids, and i believe they love me. but i started late teaching them the honor and love of the Lord, and the passion of my life has not been passed on. they love God, but it has not yet become who they are...it is what they do. i pray daily He will change that.

family is important, but actually extends to brothers and sisters in Christ. that is going to change for me.

Pat was primal before i knew what the word really meant.

it seems as though we have been friends for years.

an open and honest heart is far more valuable than we realize and when we live in that place we become part of true community. not just a gathering, but part.

i am more excited than ever about seeking and knowing my God.

i will see my wife in 2 days.

more tommorrow night...

enjoy the video

words are just words...right?

2008-05-17T11:17:00.002-04:00

i will post more about the trip tonight.

this is on my heart as i have read 1 Samuel.

"and the Lord was with Samuel, and let none of his words fall to the ground." 3:19

"and she said, The Glory has departed from Israel, for the Ark of the Lord has been captured." 4:22

it is my prayer that my words will not fall to the ground. that the words of my mouth will be those of God and find their target in the hearts of men...through my conversation and writing of primal faith. not because i am a good guy, or am starting a cool ministry...but because it is my desire to be consumed by his greatness and as a result, he speaks, not me.

we all know why Eli's sons were killed. they acted in a way that dishonored God as they served in the temple. and we also know it was Eli would not be a father and deal with the issue.

can it be that our nation is full of men like the sons of Eli?
could it be that judgement could be coming because of how we take for granted as the servants and ministers of our great God. my heart sinks as i think about it.

may our word never hit the ground as bricks, so we can build for ourselves altars unto our goodness. but may they find their resting place in the hearts of men so as to be used and guided by the Holy Spirit to produce life change.

words.

just words

a moment of reality

2008-05-16T10:30:00.002-04:00

over the last few weeks, God has allowed me to see some breathtaking scenery, had a flat tire in the desert town of Kingman,

i have met a big game hunter, been hit on, met some guys like me who were on a tour, shared the gospel with 4 people and made some new friends.

it is because of my relationship with my brother Pat, who i have nicknamed primal pat (more on my time with him later), that i write these things this morning.

i have realized i am a people person. i thrive on relationships that have their base in God. living in community is addicting. when i don't have it, i go into withdrawals.

although I am in daily communion with my God, sweet communication with Him has been great. but the only meaningful communication i have had (other than my daily talks with my wife via cell phone) has been with pat.

i have learned the importance of being there. and what i thought was there is not there. people i thought were there are not there.

i have come to realize that what i seek through this primal journey exists in small pockets in various places and thrives because it is worked hard at. not allowing one to breeze through life with out having connected with another soul.

i wake each day alone. yearning for my wife.

yet, i long for a group of men to share the primal with. accountability, not fake accountability, but closet inspections, knowing they are there. really there. committed to the process, time and the end result. Christ likeness.

today i will cross the Rockies. as i pray and replay my conversations with primal pat, the same stirring will rise as it did yesterday...

we are not meant to close ourselves off, even with just our wives. but we were created to walk the road with a community of people who know us and love us and who are willing and invited to expose bad choices in our lives, bad attitudes, and slothful pursuit of god.

i have come close a couple times.

and god willing...

tahoe no moe

2008-05-16T00:49:00.003-04:00

i left Lake Tahoe today. after a very long day, i am setteling into the evening.
i will tell about my new friends tommorrow, there is to much there to rush through.

suffice it to say, i love this family.

i go over the rockies tommorrow (fri). looking forward to that.

still can't believe i am out here doing this.

road rash

2008-05-12T00:11:00.003-04:00

met some folks today. shared the Gospel with 2, but no fruit yet. one was a believer...i think.

the economic slump is hitting hard here in Nevada as well. i rode by 3 brothels that were closed.

we live in a bizarre world. they need people who will stand firm and speak out about who they are and who they represent. people who have scars from the wrecks in their lives, but proud of the healing.
people with honest lives, with no genuine agenda but that of Christ alone. people ho live in hope, not talk about it. people who live the life of faith not just talk about it. people who will get their hands dirty serving the outsider.
people who are willing to be mobile and not static.

you one of those people?

or are you typical???

i used to be typical...now things are different.

things are primal.

the view from the desert

2008-05-11T00:08:00.003-04:00

Top Ten Reasons I am a Biker

2008-05-10T23:39:00.005-04:00

10. i have several tattoos.

9. i have a leather jacket.

8. i have a skull on my helmet.

7. i look like a bad man.

6. i have a harley. chicks dig the harley.

5. i have been to daytone bike week, and biketoberfest.

4. i got a farmer tan.

3. when i pass cars, they wish they were driving my bike.

2. i got loud pipes.

numer one...this is where i was today.

from the road 1

2008-05-08T19:56:00.002-04:00

thoughts from the road...

5000 miles since April 1.

the trip started out with big time spiritual implications. expectations to scatter seed and meet folks. while that is still the desire, i am learning much about theory and reality.

what i mean is this...the first 2 days, i was so excited to be on the trip, i rode all day. got gas and rode. taking it all in. trying to calm myself to the fact that i really am going to Cali on my bike.

last night i crashed. crashed and woke up stiff.

today i spent the day in Texas. beautiful. 20-30 mph wind in my face all day. tonight i am in Amarillo Texas. getting the bike serviced tomorrow then off to New Mexico.

my mind was filled with much today. much of my thoughts were directed on abiding in Him. resting in Him. Being in Him. attacks from my past were frequent today, but i reminded them that they were dealt with. the sentence was handed out and freedom was given.

funny. much of my life i have tried to run away from attacks, hide or just give in. today, i stood firm, submitted myself to God, resisited and reminded the evil one he was defeated and he fled. imagine that.

i am tired.

i am lonely.

i miss my wife.

3 weeks till we see each other again.

i hit mountains tomorrow. looking forward to that.

till then, i rest, abide and remember. remember her smile, her touch, her hair, the way she smells, the way she looks at me. her eyes.

tomorrow night i will clear my mind of all the implications of traveling and listening...come on back.

in your eyes...

2008-05-03T14:48:00.003-04:00

love I get so lost,

sometimes days pass

and this emptiness fills my heart

when I want to run away

I drive off in my car

but whichever way I go

I come back to the place you are

all my instincts,

they return

and the grand facade,

so soon will burn

without a noise,

without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes

the light the heat

in your eyes

I am complete

in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches

in your eyes

the resolution of all the fruitless searches

in your eyes

I see the light and the heat

in your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light

the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain

so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival

I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts,

they returnand the grand facade,

so soon will burn without a noise,

without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes

the light the heat

in your eyes

I am complete

in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches

in your eyes

the resolution of all the fruitless searches

in your eyes

I see the light and the heatin your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light,

the heat I see in your eyes

in your eyes

in your eyes in your eyes

in your eyes

Peter Gabriel

grandkids, marriage and adventure.

2008-04-30T15:15:00.003-04:00

i am sitting at the Orlando airport waiting to board to go and see my baby. we have ben married for 27 years now. we have never been apart as much as we have been lately. since March 20, we have spent 3 days together. not good.

during the past month, i have missed my wife, seen my kids and grandkids, welcomed into the family our newest grandson, Porter, and put 3000 miles on my bike.

all in preperation for next week. May 5, my 46th birthday, i leave for California. into the great wide open. for a 6 week raod trip to head back to the wilderness from which i was created.

into the wild.

trusting God daily for sustanance, for ministry opportunities, for direction and results.

hard core old school road trip.

i will leave Vero Beach Monday, touch the water, and head to Lake Tahoe. after setteling there i will head over to the pacific to touch that.

each day i will post a video about the day.

pray for me.

i am stoked. i am ready. i am bored.

You can't go home...or can you?

2008-04-22T21:52:00.005-04:00

riding in the other day, there was a coolness in the air. spring hits hard here. everything is green and the fragrance of blossoms and cattle fill the air.

it is like i came home this week.

back to where we stepped out in faith for the first time.

back to when we followed God because we had no choice. He either came through or we were gonna not make it. he did. we did.

back to the first ministry position. where i was taught to love and treasure the word, the body.

funny how far we wander. away from the foundations that were laid. away from things that never go out of date. away from simplicity away from who we are.

what is even funnier is where we wander to. toward philosophy and theory. toward newness based on a false premise. toward self satisfaction, self appreciation and complication.

when i started this blog a few years ago, i realized that this was the beginning of a journey.

now, it seems this journey has led me back home. back to the beginning.

there is so much to unpack now that i am here. i have tried to rush this process, but God wont let me. so i take out one item at a time, look at it and lay it down, or put it in the keep pile. there are some things that i packed early on that i still need. stuff i packed when i left here. i will carry it with me when i leave.

i am not a big fan of spending time going over and over things in the past. most of the time it is just better to move on. but sometimes...sometimes, it is good to journey back to where it all started. reset the compass, kill some stuff, and remember.

tomorrow night i will speak to the youth group at the church i served in when i started out 13 years ago.

funny. there is no wondering about what to talk about. just like there was no wondering about what to say then...

wont be here much longer. but...

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine

Staying home to watch the rain

And you are young and life is long

And there is time to kill today

And then one day you find Ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun And you run,

and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter Never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to nought

Or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone The song is over Thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again I like to be here when I can

When I come home cold and tired

It's good to warm my bones beside the fire

Far away across the field

The tolling of the iron bell Calls the faithful to their knees

To hear the softly spoken magic spells...Pink Floyd

beginings...kinda

2008-04-20T15:35:00.003-04:00

been a while. not sure why, and not sure if i can do all that has happened justice here.

started the month chillin. tried to get my head and heart around what we were about to undertake. thought it may do me well to detox...but needing to detox meant that there was something there i did not need. wrong use of words. i did not need to detox. what i needed was focus.

what has happened has been a redirecting.

relationships have been strengthened and affirmed. vision has been expanded. freedom has moved in to my neighborhood. bags have been set down.

been with my mother, both my kids and my wife. traveled over 2500 miles by air and on my bike. 1500 on my bike alone. spent time with prince Jackson, princess Ava, and will meet and crown prince Porter as he arrives in a week or 2. my heart is full and filled with wonder.

today i worshipped at the first church i served in. where it all started. i am still amazed at the dignity the Pastor still holds. the office here is respected and honored. not so in some places. stories i heard in NC left me sad at how people treat ministers.

after a week in Charlotte, it is still difficult to unpack all that was shown me and taught me. L has been gifted with the ability to deal with issues we seldom talk about. the fervor in which the job at hand was tackled was amazing to watch, and more than amazing to experience. i am a different man now than i was.

i have learned that there are few activities i enjoy more than dialogue with friends and a good cigar. both were enjoyed this week. not only enjoyed but ear marked as one of the best.

i have realized that my wife is my right arm. i miss her dearly. this time is difficult, but will be over soon.

i leave for California the first week of May.

it's on now.

so it begins...

2008-04-02T21:51:00.003-04:00

it is no easy thing to leave what you know and move into something you do not. even now, i wonder how the service went, life and minisrty going on with out me. it is a bizzare feeling.

i spent the day in the woods, fasting, praying, listening. i call it my big detox.

as much as i have loved my carreer in student ministries over the last 13 years, i must move from that thought process into another.

tommorrow will be much of the same.

one month from now we will officially launch www.primalfaith.org

as the holy spirit cleanses my mind and heart, prepares me for the road, deals with left over stuff, kills attitudes, and delivers me from my self, i am submitted to what ever, where ever, when ever God would send me.

so it begins...

ain no sunshine...

2008-03-17T07:58:00.001-04:00

aint no sunshine when she's gone

only dark clouds every day

aint no sunshine when she's gone

and she's always gone too long

every time she goes away.

key west

2008-03-07T10:35:00.002-05:00

back from the road trip.

bike week, grand kids, kids, travel on the bike. man i dig this stuff.

me and wifey are in key west for the weekend for her birthday.

ready to serve it up. excited, steadfast, yet with that fear that makes me aware and ready to fight...keeps my senses sharp.

have i mentioned how much i love my wife? she is beautiful and warm, full of grace and honor, honest and devoted...most of the things i am not. and, quite the fighter as well.

she is more lovely today than before.

lucky? Me? nope. blessed.

road trip

2008-03-03T19:49:00.002-05:00

taking a week off to see the kids. nice long ride. time to think, plot the trip and prepare for the next step.

the stew has been cooking for a while now. it is done and almost ready to serve. this trip will trim and set things into motion.

i am 1 month away from leaving full time church staff of 13 years and headed out to the wilderness...where i was born.

journey with me...as i leave the comfort and stability of a job to pursue his passion in me and over me. journey with me back to the primal.

no pew sitting complaining what do do with time and resources. no game playing, no retreat. no more half assed attitudes toward sacrifice and service. no more thinking the world revolves around me and my petty thoughts of grandeur. but all glory and honor to the king of kings.

we are moving headlong into death and surrender, laying ourselves on the altar seeking to be consumed by fire. all while traveling across the country and spreading a vision of greatness and glory of this wonder we call God.

journey with me...if you dare.

let it be Lord.

let it be.

words

2008-02-26T22:18:00.002-05:00

yea, so i know this guy.

i know this guy who has been changed.

i know this guy that believes with his life. i have seen this guy each week for 2 years.

i know this guy who knows the difference.

i know this guy who is living out his story.

i know this guy.

ok, so i know this girl.

i know this girl who has words.

i know this girl who gives me her words. we only met once.

i know this girl whose words have changed me, encouraged me, helped me.

i know this girl who has words and has life.

i know this girl whose words and life are an example.

i know this girl.

i am a better man for having known them both.

california dreamin

2008-02-21T04:45:00.001-05:00

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Primal Faith Video II

2008-02-15T17:04:00.002-05:00

Primal Faith Video

2008-02-12T07:30:00.000-05:00

me and my mistress

2008-02-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

she tempts me, taunts me with freedom, promising me the wind and authenticity.
she soothes me, offers me ease and tranquility.
she seethes under me as we become one.
she is my mistress.
together we are primal.
she rumbles in my ear, but it is felt in my soul.
she is demanding, but never haughty.
she is a part of me and i part of her.
she is a trophy, the envy of others who see and hear her coming.
her name is Mavis and she is my mistress.

if i have to explain, you would not understand.

what is left to fight for?

2008-01-29T10:36:00.001-05:00

this question has reverberated through the halls of my mind lately. i am more and more convinced that the American man has been domesticated, especially in our churches.

we are at our core, primal, original, men. the battles that are left to fight may be different, but make no mistake...we are at war. we have for far to long, allowed culture to dictate who we are and what we stand for. the christian man is not less a man because of his faith, but more so.

the problem is, we have bought into a deception perpetrated by anti family zealots who have decided what the man of God should look like and sound like. the problem is we have forgotten how to stand firm and strong when come against. we have forgotten what it feels like to be on the verge of handing out an ass whipping over full frontal attacks on those we love.

come against me and my family, prepare your self to be dealt with swiftly. i fit into no mold that requires me to be a sweater vest wearing simpleton that has been pushed into a corner and kept quite by Internet porn and secret affairs just to maintain an sense of adventure in my life.

day after day, men are leaving the bride, leaving their bride and their kids in search of something that has seemingly been snatched from them while they slept.

it would be different if we had not already accepted it. no fight was given, no news conference to announce it, it just happened.

no?

as subtle as it is, it screams loudest in the unexpected places.

in our churches, we are simply taking on the medias portrayal of men in our society. we have come to believe that men have checked out and are simply planted on the couch guzzling beer.

while in some cases that may be true, there are scores of us men who are active in the spiritual formation of their kids, who honor their wives as Christ honors the Church, who lead their homes in godliness and respect, who are active parts of their churches and community, who believe that while the world may try to castrate them and put them into a weak and useless mode, so the feminism of our day can be justified...we are here...we do exist. i shall not be made into what i am not.

i am sick of candy ass christian men who stand for nothing and have left all the responsibility of child rearing to children's and youth ministries.

be a man! lead your family, teach your kids, satisfy your wife with passion and leadership, protect her, let her know you have her back and you will always be there.

stand tall. retake that which you have given away. Christianity is not for sissies. be a man!

what is there left to fight for?

our manhood.

lost in it

2008-01-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

sitting here looking at empty book shelves, bare walls, boxes full of memories and ministry. this is my office.

Lost in it.

lost in the sadness of an eventual move.
lost in the reality that yet again we are leaving a group of people i love.
lost in fear of being a gypsy.
lost in it.

"i do not understand your ways, but i give you my soul." Rita Springer.

lost in it.

lost in the hope of following Him.
lost in the reality of his great hand leading.
lost in the excitement of newness.
lost in the grace and mercy of the moment.
lost in the presence of the almighty in an empty youth pastors office.
lost in his wonder.
lost in him.
lost in the abiding.
lost in the vine.

lost in it.

movin in for good

2008-01-16T22:53:00.001-05:00

most of my faith life, i have treated my time with God like a visit with my grandparents.

i would visit a lot, really enjoy my time, learn a great deal, remember...but eventually, i would go home. go home till the next visit.

i read something yesterday in John 15 about abiding. read something else from a friend about abiding. about moving near. i dig it when he talks to me. when he gives me direction.

all day long, the vision of grabbing my backpack, cause all i need to take with me is what i can carry, and heading out to the mountain. the mountain of God.

tired of the visits. tired of the periphery. tired of the trips. time to move in.

i will get back with you when i get settled.

Primal Weaponry

2008-01-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

it happens when we watch movies like Braveheart, Gladiator, and 300. it happens when honor and dignity are oppressed. it happens when against all odds, there is still something to fight for. it happens when in the face of certain death, we face it, standing tall and without flinching. a rising up, an awakening of an ancient spirit that has been rocked to sleep by technology, soft shirts and tv. it wakes and we feel alive.

it used to happen like that for believers. when we believed that what we had was a warrior spirit from a warrior God. it used to happen when we were on the fray of culture causing the very governments who were repressing us to be scared of our confidence in something other than. it used to happen when the attacks came, and the sureness of life would come only if we would just deny.

there is a rumbling. from deepest of places. a rumbling that will not be denied nor contained.

as we return, may we be steadfast, hungry and holy. full of the Spirit and grace. filled with power and ancient warrior dreams that once swept across the landscape. armed with the 2 edged sword that is able to divide spirit and soul and able to send demons trembling and fleeing in desperate fear.

come, let us return to the Lord.

losing the good to gain the great

2008-01-09T21:58:00.001-05:00

someone told me once..."sometimes, we need to lose what is good in order to gain what is great."

the picture above is my leather vest. the outlines are from the colors i removed on Sat. my colors were very dear to me. i wore them with pride and loyalty. my colors were good. the MC (motorcycle club) was good. i loved the good. i could have lived my whole loving the good. i actually wept when i gave them back.

leaving something that is really good for something that may not be great just yet...is not at all easy. but in your soul, you know God is challenging you, pruning you, even killing you...so that great may live.

what will take the place of good will soon be sewn onto my leather. vision from deep calling to deep. far beyond ability, far beyond capability into the unkown landscape of faith.

deep in the soul of every believer lies the primal. original. the way it was meant to be. there is a connection we feel when we tap into it, we feel it, we know what it is. nothing touches it after that. it becomes an addiction. we need it, gotta have it.

we try to cover it with stuff, put khakies and a sweater vest on it, tame it, domesticate it, keep it in the yard. but it is buck wild and we know it. this is why there are things like a mid life crisis. this is why men are leaving the church, why we lose passion, why we try and hang on to youth.

we were created for the primal life

good just aint good enough anymore.

my christmas present

2008-01-09T13:55:00.001-05:00

yea, it is official, i am that guy.

seventh tat, each marking an event in my life. kinda like joshua and stone stacking.

the weirdest thing was shaving my arm. felt a little...2 smooth.

and yes...it freakin hurt!

life as a journeyman

2007-12-20T22:10:00.001-05:00

most people go through life never getting hold of their deal. what they do. what God uses them for. most of us settle into life and wish for excitement and adventure. we settle into a routine and calendar and that is where we stay.

learned a few years ago what my deal is.

i am a journeyman.

i will never be famous. never have wealth or connections. i probably will not be recognized as one of those guys who makes it to the top of the latter. never be in great demand for speaking engagements for big events. never will be considered for denominational positions. may write a book one day, but it wont make any kind of list.

not really sure when it happened, but it did. being willing to drop it all and go where ever is not a big deal to us. we do it cause it is what we do.and in my twisted way of thinking, i am sure God trusts me to do it. not that there are not a thousand other guys who would do it better, but He knows when he calls...i answer, PDQ.

the downside is there are no deep roots. my kids suffered a bit from that. we blow into town stay a few years and blow out again. leaving in the wake friends who have changed us and a foundation for others to come and build on.

the expansion of the understanding of God based soley on scripture has been our mantra...have bible, will travel.

so we are off again. not sure where this time. but it really does not matter. it would be cool if we could stay for a while in a place. but it don't matter. when, where, what...what ever. when ever. where ever.

never boring.

always faithful.

never alone.

always willing.

never settling.

always growing.

never satisfied.

always resting.

this is my life.

living in the land of fools

2007-12-18T21:00:00.001-05:00

entertainment is king.

with all the technology available, what we value most is the ability to have music when we want it.

oil is king.

with all the advancement made in the automobile, we still use the same fuel we did when it all started.

sex is king.

we are so obsessed with sex, commercials for pills have taken over, and we wonder why kids get pregnant and std's are rampant..

prosperity is king.

with all the death and sickness in the world, American Christians take pride in being Gods favorite. we have to be. otherwise, why am i so blessed. he loves you, but i am his favorite.

opinion is king.

read a blog lately?

excuses are king.

no one takes responsibility for their actions. we are all victims.

drugs are king.

self medication has become accepted and encouraged, by the same people who sell boner pills.

culture is king.

what is culture? and who the hell gave them the permission to set the standard for everyone? exactly.

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.
Galatians 4:4-5

Gypsy Faith

2007-12-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

here we go again.

following him into the wide open.

resigned today, effective end of Feb.

who knows what lies ahead. i know who lies ahead. that is all that matters.

leather up, fuel up, hang on for the ride.

does not matter where. all i know is that the road is calling.

Schwetty Balls

2007-12-15T21:21:00.000-05:00

I don't care who you are...
Alec Baldwin on SNL is hilarious!

looking ahead while remembering what is behind.

2007-12-12T21:27:00.001-05:00

while i ride, i keep a sharp eye in my rear view mirror. having some one sneak up and catch you off guard is dangerous. i pay attention. if i don't, things can go wrong. look ahead and look behind.

each week i speak to a group of Middle school Students. it is not the easiest thing i do as a student ministries pastor. my strengths tend to be more evident when dealing with HS and college students.

ms (middle school) students have changed over the years. more defiant, more arrogant, more apathetic to the things of faith. this is the worst i have seen it in 13 years of student ministry. theay are the direct representation of the coming culture change.

don't mis-understand what i am going to say here. i love these kids and enjoy what i do, but the situation is more and more dire.

there has never been a group where the lack of true parental concern and involvement than the middle school students in this country.

why?

we are reaping what we are sowing.

meaning. we are obsessed with sex as a nation. every commercial break there is advertising for drugs for erectile dis function. and we wonder why our children are pregnant and having sex at such an early age. the fact they go to church makes no difference. sadly, christian marriages are no better off statistically than those who are outside the church. so commitment is a major issue.

respect for the things of God are fading in children because they fade in their parents.
passion for faith fades in children because their parents have no passion.
parents have no concern for the gospel and they pass this on to their kids. not by what they say, but by what they do not do.

we as a people better get hold of this situation.
we are raising a generation of people who have no concern and no clue about the ramifications of arrogance and immorality on the culture in which we live.
it is not the world that need wake from its slumber but the church of the living God.

there is hope because we are the church. we are the message of change and life.
there is hope because there are guys like nate and bobby who have given their lives to teach these kids. people like anna who have decided it is important that these kids know jesus and make him known.

is it difficult? hell yes.

it is worth it? heavens yes.

are we in crisis? hell yes.

should we give up? heavens no.

unleashed

2007-11-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

i think about the highway a lot these days. seems as though it calls my name.

i often wonder if it echos in my soul so i can get away.

away from band wagons about movies. Christians are so quick to condemn movies. makes us look like idiots. yea, i want to get away from that.

away from 2 faced believers who say one thing and live another.

away from religion.

away from typical.

away from static.

away from the building.

not sure why i feel the need to look down the road. not sure why it is so inviting. maybe it is because of fences. i hate fences.

not sure why the road has become intoxicating.

maybe i have lost the will to fight. maybe i have been fighting the wrong battle.

not sure why i am drawn there. but i am.

i feel unleashed when i ride, set free. probably because i am going toward something. not sure what, but each time it becomes more and more exhilarating.

we all are like sheep...lost our way, wandering around with less passion than before, less hope, less...

This is how we roll...

2007-11-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

This is how we give thanks...

1"When you come into the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance and have taken possession of it and live in it,

2 you shall take some of the first of all the fruit of the ground, which you harvest from your land that the LORD your God is giving you, and you shall put it in a basket, and you shall go to the place that the LORD your God will choose, to make his name to dwell there.

3And you shall go to the priest who is in office at that time and say to him, 'I declare today to the LORD your God that I have come into the land that the LORD swore to our fathers to give us.'

4Then the priest shall take the basket from your hand and set it down before the altar of the LORD your God.
5"And you shall make response before the LORD your God, 'A wandering Aramean was my father. And he went down into Egypt and sojourned there, few in number, and there he became a nation, great, mighty, and populous.

6And the Egyptians treated us harshly and humiliated us and laid on us hard labor.

7Then we cried to the LORD, the God of our fathers, and the LORD heard our voice and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression.

8And the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great deeds of terror, with signs and wonders.

9And he brought us into this place and gave us this land, a land flowing with milk and honey. 10And behold, now I bring the first of the fruit of the ground, which you, O LORD, have given me.' And you shall set it down before the LORD your God and worship before the LORD your God.

11And you shall rejoice in all the good that the LORD your God has given to you and to your house, you, and the Levite, and the sojourner who is among you.

Deut 26:1-11

waiting

2007-11-13T08:17:00.001-05:00

began reading Acts today. stopped dead in my thoughts, when Jesus told them to go to Jerusalem to wait.

more than anything i struggle with this. especially now.

but i wait.

for a mighty rushing wind?

for a burning bush?

for a still small voice?

for some huge earth shaking direction?

i wait.

frustration covers me like a winter blanket...heavy.

but, i wait.

we all know what happened in Jerusalem. they waited and the Spirit showed up and changed everything. impatience creeps up on me and i fight it off, killing it even. as it dies, one last scream..."what are you waiting for anyway?"

thought occurs to me...i really don't know. all i know is this...i was told to wait.

so. i wait.

take it up.

2007-11-11T21:12:00.000-05:00

i had wanted so much for the words to be right. for 7 days, i let it mature in my mind. felt like it was what i needed to say. the words had been burned into my soul recently. a natural step for all believers, what we all need to hear.

but for some reason it seemed as though the timing was wrong. maybe it was not the right time.

i have seldom been so frustrated as i was tonight.

what seemed like the perfect time for a word was anything but. scattered teen angst, some freaky beepin noise that ruined what was left of a guarded moment for the hearers to connect.

the words have become heavy. almost to heavy to carry. there is a destination for them, but where is not known...today.

maybe tomorrow. maybe then there will be an opening. maybe then, the words, dripping with the spirit, with life, with death, can find rest in the heart of some one.

maybe, just maybe, the reality of the task has come. to long for these words to find their target in the souls of those around me. maybe the heaviness is here because of the prayers. prayers for the ministry of reconciliation and connection.

i had no idea they would be so heavy. no idea that it would hurt so bad when the words were not heard. no clue that it would be so painful.

heavy is this cross.

take it up.

so much to say...

2007-11-06T21:03:00.001-05:00

so much has happened since the funeral.

so much to say, so much to download.

so much to think on.

so much.

i open my mouth to speak, and i am silenced...for now.

hopscotch

2007-11-02T14:50:00.000-04:00

of all the things to do on this journey, hopscotch is not one i would have expected. but, thishas been no ordinary day...

yep, i played hopscotch with a huge 5year old.

who knows what is next...

Journey

2007-11-01T07:12:00.000-04:00

James 1:5-8
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
6 But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.
7 For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
8 being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

this is my chair...

2007-10-30T11:48:00.000-04:00

this is my chair. there are many like it, but this one is mine.

sitting here i have prayed awesome prayers.

sitting here i have fashioned great messages from scripture.

sitting here i have counseled people.

sitting here i have experienced God.

sitting here i have seen life change.

sitting here i have cried.

sitting here i have led people to God.

sitting here i have lied.

sitting here i have given away my integrity for another ticket.

sitting here i have become restless.

sitting here i have repented.

sitting here, people in my community have died with out hope.

sitting here, i have turned a cause into a job.

sitting here i have become immobile.

sitting here, people have come to me.

sitting here i am getting old.

sitting here i am becoming apathetic.

sitting here passion is growing stale.

sitting here there is reason to be comfortable.

sitting here means i am not out there.

getting up from here is when it changes.

the prayer of a righteous man...

2007-10-29T23:06:00.000-04:00

when i was a kid, i used to love to hear my grandfather pray. simple and powerful, with deep respect and love, and oozing with thanksgiving.

there have been times in my life when prayer has taken on something more than just dialogue. there have been glimpses of glory, moments of holy, preparation, encouragement and chastisement. i have been blessed to experience God in various situations, all through prayer.

last night, i sat and was wet with the rain of the spirit. it was as if there had come a point in my life i could ask for anything...absolutely anything from God and he would grant m request.

the mind races when we think we have the attention of the almighty. what should we ask for?
money?
job?
stuff?
security?
faith?
long life?

what i prayed for had nothing to do with me, my ministry, my family.

i realized at that point that abiding in him, and his words abiding in me, means i pray for what he wants...his glory, his renown, his power seen in and working through his children.

i woke up looking for an extraordinary day.

ended up being nothing special. another day in paradise.

but he is up to something. i feel it, his spirit is moving...preparing, equipping, unleashing. what ever it is, i want in on it. i want to be part of it. all of it. all of him, all of me. nothing left.

gonna take a trip soon. gonna leather up, take a ride to meet someone, sit and recieve. going to get something. not sure what. but i want it. looking for clues here and there. wondering, waiting, wanting. praying. ready.

unhindered.

say anything

2007-10-28T21:09:00.000-04:00

for the last 12 plus years, i have had the privilege of speaking to teens at least once, many times twice a week from the sacred scriptures. it has been my privilege, my honor, my passion, my fear. seldom have i been more than 7 days with out preaching.

it has been 3 weeks.

3 weeks .

it is not as though there is nothing happening in my relationship with my father. freshness abounds and love pours down each morning. the longing to be in His presence consumes me each day and my time is spent listening and learning, waiting and asking.

but nothing has carried over from my daily worship time to my current vocation as a student ministry pastor.

there has never been something so perplexing, something so unwelcome, so silent in my ministry as this.

deafening silence.

Presence

2007-10-23T10:56:00.000-04:00

went to Daytona on sat for Biketober fest. as my heart begins to move toward something else, i went to see. at first i wanted to promote. after all, we gotta market our deal. we gotta let them know. then he said, "just look." "i want you to see...really see." so, with a prayerful heart, I looked.

this is what I saw...

i saw how things are changing. some places actually reminded me of a Disneyland for motorcycle riders...not bikers, but riders.

i saw people who came to hide from life, to sink into the depths of debauchery.

i saw eyes filled with wonder and bewilderment.

i saw scantily clad women hanging onto the arms of middle age guys trying to hang onto a sense of accomplishment and pride. property. not help mates.

i saw thousands upon thousands of motorcycles.

i saw hundreds of christian ministries...walking around...doing nothing. reminded me of the American church (to an extent). present but not affecting any change in the community.

i saw an atmosphere of sex and pleasure. almost like shopping at the mall.

i saw a need.

i saw an opportunity.

i saw people in search.

i saw him. in the faces of half naked women, big burly bikers, nasty homeless folks, everywhere, i saw him.

here is the deal. this gathering of folks is no different than any other. people come together for different reasons, over a different agenda. all need the same thing. Jesus. they need to hear the truth of the gospel, the hope of salvation and the reality of a relationship. and they need folks to tell them.

as the church this is what we do...or are supposed to do.

I'm going.

not gonna miss any more opportunities. no more excuses, no more to busy, no more.

I'm going.

either there, or another place. down my street, to Sturgis, to Daytona, to wherever.

I'm going.

anyone what to go with?

the ride home

2007-10-16T16:58:00.001-04:00

finished up the road trip where my ministry started. after a few days with the daughter and her family, precious time with the granddaughter, made it over to P-Cola for a quick visit.

spent the day with a brother i have been in contact with for several years, but had not met till Sat. a day of chillin, wings and family time. time well spent.

before heading home, went back to where it all started. what a welcome!. i felt like a rock star as people greeted me. smiles and genuine concern over current situations, and enjoyment over memories. it was good to be there. it seemed like home. spirit filled worship and preaching was good to be part of.

as i leathered up for the ride home, several things came to mind.

i am captivated by Jesus Christ. his will is my desire, his life is my pursuit, his pleasure is my satisfaction.

my family is a joy to me. grand kids are more than i expected. grown kids are special, they are happy, it makes me happy. if i die tonight, my life has been full.

however...

there is much to be done. the stew that cooks now is almost done.

tweaking is coming. change is part of the process.

the event and ministry will be bigger than i had imagined.

man i missed my wife.

i, we, must remain diligent over the small things.

my prayers for L over the months, seems to be developing into a journey.

how cool is it that God uses people we never met to help us, confirm, and encourage.

life is wonderful, difficult, treacherous, painful and worth it.

2 fisted prayer in cool weather, makin my way back home. people responding to what i have on my back. Jesus is moving and i want to be in on it.

back home. great week, great ride, great questions, great answers.

seeds planted, relationships renewed, and direction given...

nice. really nice.

needs a little pepper...

2007-10-10T19:44:00.000-04:00

left home yesterday with great anticipation of the various stops to make.

started with my friend dub, who gave me a word from scripture.

Isaiah 42:9 NKJV

"Behold, the former things have come to pass,

And new things I declare;

before they spring forth, I tell you of them."

good stuff. definitely a new work going on in my life. good word.

left there, went to spend the day and night with my son, who, by the way, is wrestling with a call on his life. time well spent. watching him as a father, as a husband, as a student, and now, heading into the family business. deep roots. my grandson is a true joy to me. 3, and difficult, but a source of joy.

left this morning to a cool breeze as i headed up 75 to 10. stopped at the rest area, got of my bike, and spent the next 1/2 hour in prayer and praise to our great God. all decked out in leather and proudly wearing my colors, hands waiving and singing out back of the rest area. sweet worship and prayer. as another word from him came.

let's let that cook for just a bit more. needs a bit of pepper, maybe some tweaking.

these words were poured into my heart and spirit. answers. questions.

back on the road, enjoying 2 fisted communication, then the mind rests. i am reminded of diligence of thought. long forgiven sin erupts into my mind, things that have been long dealt with come rushing to the forefront. time spent remembering. to much time. rebuked them in Jesus name, remained diligent the rest of the day.

arrived at my daughters house this afternoon. blissful time with the granddaughter and daughter.

what happens tomorrow?

questions. answers. pots of stew. 2 fisted prayer.

2 fisted prayer time

2007-10-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

taking a week to seek His face.

looking for something.

along the way, time with my kids and grandkids, seeing old friends, meeting a friend for the first time and praying through some stuff.

looking.

asking.

knocking.

expecting.

back in a week.

trivial things for a trivial life

2007-10-02T08:53:00.000-04:00

i am in the midst of a change.

to quote Piper , i have been "staggered by the supremacy of God." because of that, the filter through which i have viewed life has become clear. clarity can be a dangerous thing.

the issue for me now is what really matters. having seen and experienced His presence in such a life changing way, everything is now brought into question.

why do i do this? why do i have this? is this needed or wanted? can i give this away? how valuable is this time over that time? how much wasted time do i spend in a day? do i need to go here? should i go there? why don't i have money to give this ministry? what if there is no support? when do we proceed? why did it take so long to understand?

as i begin to deal with the process of becoming more lean, mobile, in-tune, ready and prepared, the task is difficult, but one that is well worth the problems it may cause.

once you see Him...everything changes. nothing looks the same. trivial becomes boring.

once you experience Him...you can never go back. typical becomes trivial.

staggered by the supremacy of God.

one more step.

dark night of the soul

2007-09-27T10:11:00.000-04:00

it waits for us. creeping around, silent, mysterious. we never know where exactly where it comes from. but it's there...waiting, crouching...ready to pounce.

it comes when we least expect it. after mountain top events, filled with awe and wonder. coming down from the mountain, going up, heading to church, sitting alone in grief, happy, free, in bondage. it gets us all.

the Quakers called it the dark night of the soul.

it covers us like a blanket of darkness, heavy with discomfort and fear. for some reason we feel alone and empty. prayers seem like brick made in our very mouth falling to the ground in heaps as we try to pray. the soul feels alone. the heart is heavy.

why would he leave us?

although he does not, we think he has.

the key is to do what we have done. persevere. most give up and sit. i have done my share of sitting. done my share of quiting. done my share of...crying in the dark.

no more.

be strong and courageous. break on through. never quit, never give up. cry, scream, fight, but never give in. stand firm, decide not to bow to the heaviness. though your knees may shake from the weight, stand.

why?

because it matters.

You know the day destroys the night

Night divides the day

Tried to run Tried to hide

Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side,

yeah We chased our pleasures here

Dug our treasures there

But can you still recall The time we cried

Break on through to the other side

the Doors

rain on me

2007-09-26T11:46:00.000-04:00

living in South east Florida, the sureness of rain during the "season" is expected. unless there is a drought. lately we have been drenched. but the ground soaks it up like a desert. some clouds have rain, most are rainless for some reason. so we never know whether the clouds that are rolling in, as menacing as they may seem, will be filled with the rain we need.

spent a bit of time this morning watching students stand in the rain to pray for their schools and leaders at the annual "see ya at the pole" event. i watched as they prayed and became wet with rain. it was a picture of our father blessing them for their efforts to ak Him to move there. they were soaked, with water and with Him.

before i left home, i read Jude. not my usual read, kinda short, but full of wisdom. Jude spends a lot of time dealing with false teachers who are among other names "clouds without rain."

after thinking and praying over that, even now, this is what rose up.

there is nothing worse than thinking it is gonna rain and it doesn't. not a hint of rain. can't smell it (love the smell of a spring rain), can't feel what it provides, nothing but clouds.

lately there have been clouds that God has sent my way. in them he has used people to rain all over me.

L has poured out rain on me, needed, and soaked in. funny thing about this rain is that i was so skeptical of the amount of rain there was. was i wrong and was i blessed...am...continue to be. it matters what you do.

Sheri continues to rain on me. daily she sustains me and refreshes me. this morning, my mother told me of my step father getting baptized this week. he is 86. my face was wet with that rain.

Dub is a source of constant showers.

John is a welcome rain each day.

Steve clouds up and rains on me in the middle of the day.

my kids. the tables are turning here. they are now producing the storm.

there are plenty of people who are rainless. we know who they are. we see them coming, we know what to expect.

what we need is folks who always have enough supply to pour out on others. these folks spend time, real time with the father. not just for them, but to call others, to refresh others.

so you know, if we ever meet, i will cloud up and rain all over you...

on my mind...

2007-09-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

i miss my brother.

some people are hungry tonight, i am misserably full.

grandkids are an infinate joy.

i have let people leave the faith with out a fight.

it is easy to kick some one while they are down.

christianity is not what we have been taught.

there is less compassion today.

there is more concern about being right.

ministry has become more about a paycheck than the glory of God.

i am safe tonight.

i miss my kids.

learning about true love was not easy.

God is not now, nor has he ever been fair.

i have never been the most important thing in Gods heart.

God is about the affection of God.

my wife is my true and lasting love.

student ministry has taught me the need for family faith. most don't have it.

many parents are simply clueless about the lives of their kids.

we are 1 generation away from complete godlessness.

there is hope.

time is not an issue.

money is not as important to me as it once was.

stuff is over rated.

fear does not scare me.

joy is real, it is deep, and you can't take it from me.

i still need to lose 20 lbs.

i still want to go to Ireland.

a good cuban is a good thing.

newcastle.

scripture is like a blanket. it is my covering.

i know what the bible says.

pride is still an issue.

i walk with God.

my harley is a treasure. not becasue of how it looks, but becasue of how it makes me feel.

my imagination is still a force to be reconed with.

always will be a mammas boy. i am because of who she is.

music moves me.

nothing like a 12 hour motorcycle ride.

her smile peirces my soul.

God has spoken to me.

church needs to refocus on Him...the real Him.

my name will go on.

i really miss my dad.

thanks for listening.

enjoy the ride.

Simple, godly distractions

2007-09-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

there have been a few times in my life when i knew exactly where i was going. timing may be not yet revealed, but the direction is rock solid and sure. we are at this place. we know where we are headed.

sometimes, no matter how sure we are, opportunities arise that seem to rattle that focus. they come from weird places, they can come from left field. they can even come from godly places.

i got a call this week from my uncle. he is an old school baptist pastor. he has been serving the local church for 25 years or so. been at his current church for 15 years. my mom goes to this church, she teaches Sunday school. he has worked hard there. faithfully proclaiming the word, teaching, nurturing, encouraging.

he is retiring.

so i got the first call. he told me what was up and asked if i wanted to become the next pastor of this church. honored and flattered that he would asked, my mind races. genuine desire to pastor has always been on the back burner. student ministry is awesome, but i am close to moving on.

then i prayed. "this is not what i have for you." early in the morning, before the birds sing, before the sun rises, before the days activities take over our thought, these words came into my spirit.

of course i knew this. I knew it before he finished the conversation.

but it seemed so easy. the whole deal would have been so easy...to be distracted for my next deal.

so i called my mom first...she understood...sad but understood. then to uncle. he understood. my direction is in another place.

my life has been turned upside down lately. God has emptied me of my wants and filled me with vision, purpose and direction. nothing about where we are headed is easy. the journey will require great discipline, faithfulness and hard work. but it is what He has for me.

i find it interesting how easily we are distracted. not just by flashy things that call us from faithfulness, but things that we would seem to believe that come fro God himself.

the majority of believers seek what is easy. because of that desire, we are where we are. bouncing from ideal to emotion with no true sense of purpose and direction.

the task is great. the burden of his trust in me is a bit frightful. why he has chosen me for such a task is beyond me. there is nothing special nor is there any great giftedness in me. but he has. and i cling to that with great joy and anticipation and longing. knowing that what ever happens, i shall walk with him. and if nothing else happens from here on out...i still get to walk with him. side by side. alert and ready.

one more step.

Wall of Denial

2007-09-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

"A wall of denial - is fallin’ down

Wo it’s fallin’ so hard - down to the ground

Never knew something so strong could be washed away by tears

But this wall of denial was just built on fear"

Stevie Ray Vaughn

i have spent years being controlled and led by the raw emotion of the soul.

reactions are quick, raw and sharp.

the smell of confrontation was intoxicating.

it made me feel alive.

right or wrong, it was the way i lived.

the realization of this has been somewhat difficult as of late.

as i try to move from reaction to understanding and purpose,

the reality is it is a hard road to leave.

as hard as it is to let that go, the frustration of living by that has long

since been overdue.

growth in the word, closeness of him who calls,

and recognition of the onslaught are breaking down the wall.

what was once a welcome feeling of raw emotion

has become a sick and heavy feeling.

change.

it is not always easy, but to actively take part in the

transformation from self to Christ likeness

is just amazing.

becoming.

Jesus.

tearing out the root so as to feel the pain, laying it at the feet of him who

understands the death oh so well.

remove the bricks that made the wall, so as to clear the foundation.

one more step. less is becoming more.

a day in the life

2007-09-08T10:27:00.000-04:00

"now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field that the Lord God had made. and he said to the woman, indeed, has God said...?"

lately, my time in the word has been so fulfilling, it is a time I look forward to even the night before. our great God has poured himself into and on me in ways that have been almost overwhelming. even in areas that would seem boring or tedious, the Spirit has prodded me to push on and the reward has been sweet time of fellowship and joy.

today, i got up late. had an early meeting and did not get to my time with the Father at my usual time. I rushed out the door and headed to met a friend. ate breakfast, went for a ride and headed home.

all the while there was something missing. could not put my finger on it. just a gnawing, a feeling.

got home and realized what it was. had missed my time in the Word.

now. let me say this. I am certainly not a bible nazi. it is not my assertion that one should spend everyday all day submersed in scripture.

i will say that for me, and my relationship, God has led me to a new place and the means of this, the catalyst of this special time has been the "sacred text." in the bible we find Him, his love, his wrath, his mercy, his forgiveness, his greatness, his other thaness, his wonder, his plan, his son, his beauty, his protection, his help, his encouragement, his purpose, his help, his spirit, his work, his love, his world.

while some talk about what they think they know about the word, all i need to know is in the word. some talk about what it is not, i prefer to discuss what it is.

as for me and my deal with my God, he has chosen to use His word to lift me to Him, girded by His spirit and Son.

and for that, my day starts out at 6am filled with anticipation over the content in my bible. i am eternally thankful.

anticipation

2007-08-30T22:50:00.000-04:00

it is late. there are numerous thoughts, regrets, fears, and exciting possibilities running through my mind. i sit and think and already i am looking forward to my time with Him. already anticipating Daniel 3. looking forward to our time together has become more and more wonderful.

after some time with Him, i leave for Birmingham AL for a national club meeting. 650 miles one way on my bike is something i have been looking forward to for some time now. i am anticipating some definite direction from the trip. words of confirmation, direction, poured into my mind and heart as i get away for a few days. funny how we, i, me, always have ideas of who, when and where things should take place. things always look different as the vision cooks for a bit. things added that did not taste good then, things taken away after the realization it was not the taste we were looking for.

i am anticipating change. change in my thoughts, change in my attitudes, change in my behaviour, change in my situation. longing for what i do not yet know is a bit testy. resting in the longing has been satisfying but strange.

a door has been closed it seems, but there has been no rush to open another, only wait. no need to crawl through a window, as i have been told before, my Father wants me walking in with eyes wide open.

looking forward to rest.
looking forward to a few moments with my daughter and granddaughter. can only stay a few moments.
looking forward to the soul scratch that is coming.
looking forward to seeing dub for coffee. Lord, thanks for him.
looking forward to 24/7. looking forward to finally getting that stuff sent out.
looking forward to seeing her again. just been gone for a day, but it is always to long.
looking forward to seeing my son and grandson on Sunday, only if for a few moments on the way home.
looking forward to growing old with her.
looking forward to time with Him. more time, sweeter time, unhindered time.
looking forward to then.

enjoying now.
living in now.
resting in now.
free now.
loving now.
changing now.
worshiping now.
dreaming of changing the world now, active in advancing the kingdom now.

going to bed now.

the upgrade

2007-08-24T20:11:00.000-04:00

we had the opportunity to take a few days off this week. in desperate need of some chill time after the craziness of summer. i love youth minsitry, but the older i get, the more i need to unload.

time is being marked these days by a sense of excitement of the coming change. i feel it in the air, i can smell the aroma of rain. i breathe it in deep, hold it, enjoy the moment and exhale.

we went to the beach. 4 miles from our home. had a gift cert for a night on the beach in the Marriott. got there, got a huge upgrade. an extra free night, and a move to the presidential suite. water side private balcony and swank by the pound. it was nice, needed, and seen as what it was...a gift from my father. every moment was enjoyed and treasured as such.

i realized something about my walk with our father. most of my life with him, i have settled for a ground floor life. nominally dealing with attitudes, trying to get by, typical ups and downs...you know, basic American faith. i had actually began to believe that God existed to make much of me.

there had to be more to God than just giving me a beter life. that seemed a bit one sided.

i asked for an upgrade a few months ago.

i did not ask for penthouse faith, riches, wisdom, a big house or comfort. i asked for him. all he had to give. i had got to the point where nothing else would do. not the gifts, but the giver. not the blessings, but the blesser. a real moses moment. show me your glory? that is not a prayer that should be take lightly.

since then the most amazing transformation has take place.

in my mind at night is him. in my mind when i wake...him. songs rise up from my soul, prayers are not ceasing, concern grows, love immeasurable, contentment in his mercy...and hunger. my time in the word has consumed an hour or more a day.

visions for ministry that had me paralyzed me with fear have now become a desire of passion.

for those words were heavy, piercing and confirming. challenging and encouraging.

the future is bright with opportunity.
the opportunity to trust his provision.
the opportunity to experience true holiness, face down trembeling in his presence.
the opportunity to wait for his movement and not mine.
the opportunity to walk with him and know him.
the opportunity to live a legacy.
the opportunity to live out side the norm.
the opportunity to be driven by his wishes and carried to his bosom.

upgrade?

yes.

rain gear

2007-08-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

two weeks ago, i got caught in a rain storm on my new bike. making a memory is all well and good, but the actual situation can be a pain. rain drops pelted my face and water made its way into every crevice and saturated every part of my body. when i arrived at the Harley store, i was dripping wet. i don't think i had ever been so wet.

my rain gear was at home. dry.

as i stood there in the parking lot, water flowing from me, and pouring out the flood that had gathered in my boots, an astute bystander asked if i had got caught in the storm. i just looked at him as i twisted out the water in my shirt.

my rain gear was at home. dry

similarly, this week, i was caught in another storm of sorts.

when we actually ask, seek and knock, our great God gives of himself to those who would "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

the storm came all at once.

there was no part of me that did not get drenched with the Spirit. all that I am had become soaked with His presence.

and me caught with out a hindrance and wall.
and me caught without any covering.
and me caught under the fountain that flowed from the throne of the creator.

our own understanding is where we get dried up.

somewhere we think we have it all figured out. we become the apple of our eye. we justify our actions and attitudes with what we want and where we want to go. the world has had enough of our understanding. the world needs his understanding. not ours.

his understanding. his outlook and his way. his cause his desires and his purpose.

have a seat. break out the word. take off the protective gear. get vulnerable. ask, seek and knock. get wet. then shake off the excess on to someone else.

"Ears and noses are the trophies of the day..."

2007-08-09T21:42:00.000-04:00

Spent the evening in the throws of testosterone laced activities. after an evening ride on the new Harley, a plate of wings and a big glass of sweet tea, I settled into a night of football and finished up with watching The Gangs of New York. the opening scene sets the tone for the whole movie.

I have always enjoyed American History. and while this movie may not accurately represent the happenings then, it comes pretty close.

we have become somewhat diluted in our understanding of our past. while abortion seems to be the outcry of the faithful these days, we as a people have seldom had a respect for life.

it is quite comical actually. with the complete disregard for human life running rampant through out our glorious past, we now have become pleased with our achievements and have made ourselves the chief end of our affections.

lately, the honor has been mine to sit under the flowing mercies and affections of the creator. i have heard it said that "there can be no sense of God with out a sense of sin." in my experience this is true...initially. after the reality of our lack, comes flowing the reality of His supply.
the supply that comes from the riches of who He is and the daily provisions of His storehouse.

while these times have come and gone through out my life, one thing that remains is the desire to have him be my portion.

because of this great love in which he has poured out of me, my thoughts must change. not to make myself the chief end of my affections, but HIM and him alone.

may we seek holiness rather than wholeness.
may our affections be aimed at him and not ourselves.

may ears and noses never be the trophies of the day. but may we be trophies of his grace and mercy.

Ancient Affections

2007-08-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

O worship the King, all glorious above,
O gratefully sing His power and His love;
Our Shield and Defender, the Ancient of Days,
Pavilion ed in splendor, and girded with praise.

O tell of His might, O sing of His grace,
Whose robe is the light, whose canopy space,
His chariots of wrath the deep thunderclouds form,
And dark is His path on the wings of the storm.

I stood with my granddaughter as we worshipped our great God this past week. I looked into her 2 month old eyes and affections for my God rose up within me.

at that moment I realized something. what I was participating in was ancient. I looked down the aisle and saw my lovely wife singing, my daughter singing and my son-n-law singing praises to our God. in quite possibly the same fashion that Moses, or David, or Isaiah had done. Maybe they held their kids or grand kids, and realized as they did that the faith, this God would be loved yet again through the next generation.

I presented her to Him as an affectionate offering of love for Him to use her and for His glory to blaze outward from her soul.

as a family we walked forward to receive communion. I looked at her while she cooed, received the bread and juice with thanksgiving for His sacrifice and life, for His death and burial and Resurrection. i wept from the pure joy of a God who would allow me to enjoy the gifts he offers to His children. He drew Himself from deep within my soul and showed Himself to be affectionate and desirous of the same. he doted over her, held me, knew me.

she has no clue to what she participated in that wonderful day.

but burned into my mind will always be a picture of us standing among the body, both present and past to honor, pay homage to, love and sing to the God of heaven.

may we realize the importance of connecting with the reality of the Ancient of Days. help us Lord not to try and make it new. Help us not to hurry past those things that connect us to the early believers.

help us to love you Lord. show us how to show affection to you. help us to realize we are mostly one way in our relationship with you.

may we never forget the ancient affections..

conversation hiatus

2007-07-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

i read lots of stuff on the web. news, blogs and other stuff each day...trying to expand my view, take into consideration, listen, learn and grow. as Rob bell says, continuing the conversation, the dialogue...that is important.

there has been, at times, and endless supply of material to draw from in the well. the bucket always came up with something.

as of late i have tried to keep some juices flowing by comparing and complaining...like a good baptist does, but it seems as if there is a leak in the bucket, or there is as not as much in the well.

so. for a while, i will not be adding to the conversation. rather, i need to live it, enjoy my place at the table, saturate the sacred texts, as one has written.

thanks for the visits and words.

back in a while...